Year to Come!

Hey all!

It's 22.40 here. Another hour to 2014.

This year has been so good to me. I was blessed when I found K at 2012 and decided to be together on February. Being with him made me sure to buy an apartment then I moved in with him on May. I got a new job on the same months. It didn't stop there, the blessing continued when K got a new job too. And yes, not to mention we met T, our little brother who is dear to us.

I happened to enjoy two vacations abroad with K, Bangkok and Phuket on August and HongKong on the late of October. 

I have a super dad, loving mom and caring yet funny sister. What could I ask for more? Conflict happened here and there but we remain one as family. Thank God.

With loved ones, I spent our Xmas dinner and service together. And now here I am, with lovely friends, enjoying beers and time with each other, waiting for new year to come. New chance and new blessing to hope for.

I am thankful for this year. I am grateful for what I am and who I am now.

So many wishes and hopes for this coming new year, for me, for you, for us all. So, Happy New Year, Guys! Have a blessed New Year!

If You Can't Suck It Up

It's undeniable that fighting will happen eventually. Many couples who claim they don't fight, they will fight somehow. It's normal to have a fight here and there in relationship. 

I ever wrote about "let go". Often in a fight, we think that we are the right ones. Our opinion is right and our spouse is wrong. And there's time tho' it's crystal clear that we are on the right side, we have to let it go for the sake of our relationship.

But somehow it ain't healthy if letting go is not really letting go. It is like we are saying to ourselves, "Okay, I let it go this time, but next time I won't". It is not really a let go, because we tend to remember and make it a weapon next time we have another fight. We hold grudge. This is ain't healthy at all, not just for the relationship, but also our health. 

Again as an adult, we learn how to let go, really suck it up and won't let it out. But it's normal that sometimes we can't let go. It's like we have some unfinished business. It's there, in our minds. It annoys us frequently.

As it for me, it will be helpful to bring it up to the surface. I am not saying to confront your partner, but to let your partner know that it bothers you and together you find the solution. 

It may cost you another fight, but ain't it worth it? In the end, a true relationship will survive this. You don't wanna hold grudge, for it won't set any partnership in peace.

So, if you can't suck it up, bring it up!

To Shop = To Love?

Today I was talking to two friends via whatsapp. It was clearly two different topics. I talked to T about shopping, because he wanted to change his appearance, and at the same time I chatted with M about love. Then the idea came to me.

Let me walk you through what I thought. I was imagining this scene.

I walked around a big shopping mall with friends, when I saw a gorgeous pants. I gave it a try but somehow it didn't fit me. The pants really looked good, and I was in my best condition, but when I put it on something was missing. Then I continued.

Again I found a pair of shoes. It looked good. I gave it a try. Definitely it would look good on me, if it weren't too big. The store didn't have my size. 

Then I saw a t-shirt that everyone wore. But when I wore it, it looked bad.

Falling in love is like shopping. When we meet someone and we somehow have so-called connection, we are so enthusiastic but then we will find that he's not the one for us. 

We keep looking and keep looking. Appearance will always catch our eyes. But we never find the right one. We search for a connection. An instant one. Love is about a connection, it's true. But it ain't instant. We have to dig deeper.

I was tired, I didn't know why none of my friends looked as tired as I was. I just followed them until I realize I was back to the first store. 

There, besides the gorgeous pants I tried earlier, a pair of common pants were hanging there. I didn't think it would look good on me, but having nothing to do, I took it to fitting room. Amazingly, it fitted me. I looked awesome. Well, more awesome.

For some people instant chemistry will do, but for some others, it's harder than that. We have to give chance to someone whom we think we won't have any connection with. Maybe you know what you want, but you may not know what's good for you. Who knows, he would be the one. Who knows that the one that God has planned for us is with us all along.

A Week Without K

My K went to Dubai and Istanbul for business trip. These were what I posted on my path when K was away from me.

Day 1 : I am okay, despite the fact that I found myself worrying my bebi almost all day long. The worst part is not being able to hug him when I came home tonight. It is then I realize that I love and need him so much.

Day 2 : It's been 24 hours I don't hear anything from you, beb. But I know you can take care of yourself. And I know you work hard and kick some ass over there. I miss you and I'm waiting here always....

Day 3 : It was easier. Your "hai bebi" in the morning really made my day. Hearing your voice on one minute and 41 seconds Line call was crazy. At once I knew my day would be better. And yes, it turned out it was way much better. See, I really need you bebi. Thank God to let me know that you miss me too.

Day 4 : My bebi's suddenly-heavy voice on skype enlightened my day. His jokes made me smile. Today, we texted much. It was like he was here in Jakarta. My two hours driving because of the horrible traffic was nothing because of it. He was with me all the way. Love you bebi....

Day 5 : Happy bday Bebi!!!! (GMT +7). I can think many sentences to describe how much I love you, but it ain't about me, it should be about you. But then, I am who I am now because of your love. So beb, I wish you nothing but all the best in the world for you are the best for me. I couldn't expect anyone else better than you are. Have a blast, Beb! We are now miles apart, but my heart is there, laying side by side with yours. I love you so much. 🎉🎊🎈🎁🎆🎊🎉🎈🎁🎇🎊🎁🎉🎆🎈

Day 6 : Not much conversation between me and bebi today. He woke up and we had a litle chat then he went to work. It is now 4pm there, he'll be back to his hotel around 2am Jakarta time. I miss him. Two more days....

Day 7 : I am so excited, I hardly sleep. My waiting will soon be over. Safe flight Bebi. I can't wait to hug you tomorrow... ❤️❤️❤️

He was home yesterday on day 8. I picked him up, gave him a big hug and held his hand on our way home.

The surprised was waiting him in our apartment unit. I gathered our beloved friends, I brought along my sister and they were there, singing a birthday song for him once he opened the front door. 

Then I gave him 3 box of presents, with different colors. Each color represent what was inside (oh I won't tell what inside, LOL). These were written on every box of gift that I gave him:

What word does rhyme with red?

I think I'll go with mad

For everything that you've said

I'm madly in love with you so bad

I've hardly ever felt blue

Happiness is all I knew

For I know what we've been through

No one loves me more than you do

You never like bean tho' it's green

Because it's a veggie you'd much seen

I hope you'll never bored with my mien

Coz I promise you our future will be sheen

Later at night, he hugged me tight, saying thank you for everything I did. Well I guessed he didn't know what he had done for me that made me praised him. Lol.

Happy Bday, K!

The title says it all, doesnt it?

It is my better half's bday. He is 27 now. He has reached so many things yet he has many things to reach in the future. His dreams and his passion are my inspiration. He has been loving me so sincerely and I can't thankful enough for that. 

Unfortunately, in this special day, we are miles apart. He has been in his business trip for 5 days. He is now in Istanbul, Turkey. It is his first birthday since we are together. It sucks somehow that we can't celebrate it together. But at least we know that we are celebrating it together in our hearts.

I wish nothing but all the best in this world for him for he is the best for me. I can't think of anyone better than him for me.

Have a blast dear. Have a wonderful birthday. 

I love you.

For I Am One

They say we don't choose to be gay, we were born this way. But for me it doesn't matter, because if I could choose, I would still choose to be one. 

For I am gay, I met and fell in love with you. 

For I am gay, I build my home with you.

For I am gay, I have the privilege to grow old with you. 

They are things I would choose over and over, even if we could turn back times.

I love you, K.

Are You Proud to be Gay?

I often read and hear "I am proud to be gay". I was okay at the beginning, it meant he accepted himself. But then my mind started questioning it. Why should he be proud?

According to Oxford Dictionary, these are the definition of proud:

1 feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one’s own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.

2 having or showing a high or excessively high opinion of oneself or one’s importance.

Which one of proud in a "proud to be gay" is? Gay is not an achievement nor possesion. We don't earn gay, since we roar here and there that we were born this way. It is exactly not a quality. Then it should be number two, having a high or exessively high opinion of oneself. This is weird, well at least for me.

To be clear, a proud gay can be defined as someone who thinks that he is better than others, whom are clearly not gay. It is contradictive to what we claim to believe. We have been fighting for equality rights for years, and yet we think we are better than them, the "normal" people. And "better" here is not because we achieve something, not because we earn to be gay, it is just because we have high opinion of ourselves. Pathetic, ain't it? How can we assure them if we believe in equality if we think we are better than them?

Let's imagine a different world. Imagine that gay was "normal", where everyone in this earth was gay. Then we realized that there were some people that were straight, which was not "normal". What do you think would happen, if we were proud gays? There would be straightophobic. We would be like them, whom are homophobic. We would be no different to them. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be proud of ourselves. Be proud, but for the right reason, for something that you earn.

When K read this, he added that "proud to be gay" may be used to encourage them who is still in the closet, so they wouldn't feel inferior and destroy their own mind because they are gay. 

Well for me, it is still misplaced. We can tell them "it's okay to be gay" instead of "you should be proud you are gay". Again, I'm not saying that they shouldn't respect themselves, but the misplaced words could lead them to misplaced thought and behaviour as well.

But then, it is just my opinion. Have a great day fellas!

Shield and Sword

I was at the office and had nothing to do. It's my office life. I can be so busy one time, but the other time, I could fall asleep for I have nothing to work on.

I was reading a blog, www.amrazing.com, when I was intriqued by a quote, which more or less was "when we are angry, our pride will form not only a shield to protect our ego but also a sword to defeat our enemy".

It is true. I couldn't agree more.

As you may know, my relationship with K isn't a smooth straight journey. It has its ups and downs. We have been trying our best to compromise, hence there are so much to deal with. Our fights frequency got more seldom day by day, but still we fight.

I'm not saying that a "normal" relationship is easier to maintain, but synchronizing two dickheads in a family is hard. We both, as men, have high pride and ego. I often find myself not being able to admit that I am wrong when I know I am, let alone to apologize. 

This so called high ego get the best of us when we are angry. We build a wall to protect our idea, our paradigms. And yet we launch missiles to attack our enemy. The thing is, in a relationship, it is our partner, instead of enemy. 

I'm not giving any advice for all I know I'm still strugling with my own pride. But again, later in his post, Alex, the owner of the blog I read, reminded me, "We're all losers when we wrapped in anger". I think I'll try to remember this sentence when I was mad. In the end of the day, though we kiss and make up after fight, we still hurt our partner's heart.

It (Ain't) a Bad Day

Hola!

It's been quite some time for me not posting anything here, eh? I got no ideas, pretty much. Lol.

I'll go casual this time. I'm telling you about my time when we, K and I, visited Macau and Hong Kong. Let's begin...

We woke up that day, October 19 2013, at 4 am and got ready to catch our flight on 7.30 am. We had enough time for sure. After 2 hours flight to Kuala Lumpur, yes we had to make a transfer since we booked low cost flights, and 4 hours flight to Hong Kong, we found that Hong Kong International Airport was huge. It was my first time there though I had visited Hong Kong before.

According to plan, we would go straight to Macau by TurboJet. Passing the immigration we looked a signboard that pointed to the right if we liked to go to Macau. But we ignored it since we hadn't got our luggage. So we went out. After got our luggage, to make sure, we asked an officer there how to get to TurboJet. He said that we should go to Sheung Wan first by bus, it was a half and an hour journey. It made us confuse that we just saw the sign inside. The fact was we shouldn't go out, we should go as the signboard pointed. Somebody would got our luggage. Damn!!!!!

Having no other choice, we went to Sheung Wan. The bus costed us HKD 40 per pax. If you are planning to go to Disneyland, buy ticket at Disneyland store at Terminal 2, you'll get an umbrella if you buy 2 or more tickets.

Long story short, the bus ride wasn't bad at all, HK at night was beautiful, and we got to Macau about two hours after. The TurboJet costed us HKD 184 per pax, cheaper than if we went from the airport, it would cost us HKD 246. 

Last time I was in Macau, there would be some free shuttle buses, owned by casinos, outside the port, we could get on one of them and they would take us to their casino. I did that before and took a taxi to my hotel. But that night, there was only one bus, and I had no idea the location of the casino it was belong.

We thought about taking a taxi but we took a bus instead, it would be way cheaper. And it was, we paid HKD 3.2 each. Taxi would cost us HKD 40, I supposed.

The bus dropped us on a street we had no idea where. The map that the hotel gave us didn't help a lot. I don't speak Hong Kong and neither do my better half. Not many people in Macau speak English nor Chinese. When we studied map at the crossroad, an old man asked where we wanted to go. He was speaking Chinese. 

After some confusement, we finally found our way. The hotel itself wasn't easy to find. It was a guest house. We booked it because there wasn't no hotel that matched our budget available for that night. It was located on a 2nd storey of a building. We had to take our heavy luggage through a narrow stairway just to get to a receptionist, an old man who didn't speak English or Chinese. We managed to get to our room, well, it was hardly a room. *sigh*

The room was small. It had one "double" bed which was only 1.2 m wide, a sink, an old table and a cupboard, which when I opened my better half told me to shut it, afraid there would be something crawl out, and an old fan. Oh yes, there was a rope tied on the both side of the wall to hang your clothes. Did I say wall? It wasn't wall, it was more like divider between rooms. I could clearly hear the conversation in the next room. But the worst was about to come. It wasn't clean! I found the dust bin was full and some fluids came out of it, ewh! There were some blood stain on the bed sheet. 

"I don't know if I could sleep here," I shook my head toward K.

"Well, we'll leave early in the morning, dear," then he covered the sheet with the a blanket the guest house provides. I doubted the blanket was clean but at least we didn't notice any stain.

We cleaned ourselves and went out for dinner. It wasn't far from Senado Square. There were many people there, some were having chit chat, some were taking photos, and the others were just walking around. It was 9 pm. I loved it there. We spent about an hour there before we called it a night and headed back to hotel. It was a tiring day.

K fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed. I, on his side, found it hard to sleep. People next door were talking all night, slamming the door when they came and went out. And my body was rejecting that very room somehow. But then I fell asleep.

It really ain't a good day for us, spending almost 12 hours to get to that city, getting lost, sleeping in a dirty "hotel". But in the end of the day, it didn't matter. What matters was we were there, together, safe and sound, ready to spend the other 7 days, enjoying each other's company in a busy yet lovely countries.

I guess it is enough for one post. See you again "tomorrow". And, the hotel price was HKD 290. (Damn, I could get a way better budget hotel in Jakarta with that very price).

Be Selfish

What I have learnt from my relationship with K is I have to be selfish sometimes. For the sake of our happiness I have to do that. Is it weird? 

A and B were couple. One Saturday evening they decided to attend a theatrical show and on their way there they had a fight. B was so mad and told A that he insisted that they should go home right after the show.

The show was amazing. They both forgot their quarrel and really had a good time with each other. When the show ended, they headed to their car holding hands, the night was still early. In their heart, they both knew they didn't want to call it a night. They still wanted to spend time with each other. But A took B home, because of what B said earlier.

Was A's decision to take B home wrong? I don't think so. At this point, I think A was just being assertive to B. He wanted B to be responsible to what he said, that everything had its consequences.

It was one option that A took.

But one thing that A forgot. He forgot to had a good time for himself. He just missed the chance to have more time with his loved one. He threw that chance and headed home, being alone and (maybe) miserable on Saturday night.

Sometimes in relationship you don't have to be so rigid. If I were A, I would be selfish. I would think of myself. I would wanted to be happy. I would wanted to spend that very time with my loved one. So I would put aside all the rules and hold my lover's hand while having a romantic dinner. Of course I would tell him that I forgave what he said but he should learn his act wasn't wise.

In this case, B would realize not only how big his lover's heart was and but also that he should act responsibly, not in a hard way.

So, again, I think it's okay to be selfish now and then. 

Take the Blame

Last night I slept without any kiss from K. He said something that made me upset, so I slapped his thigh, not intentionally hard, but enough to make him mad at me. We slept in silence, back to back.

It annoyed my sleep so that I dreamt that I had a big fight with him. Waking up, I put aside my ego and hugged him. And as a reply, he hugged me too. It was us letting go things.

This morning, I was doing my routine, reading a devotional magazine called Wasiat. It poked me. 

It was about how Saul irritated with David's presence so that he tried to kill him. It wasn't David's fault. It's Saul's fault. His heart burning was the root of his problem.

It happens to most of us. We blame others for almost evertything that is going wrong in our lives. 

I did too, maybe, last night. I could be more proactive and consider what K said as a joke instead of feeling upset about it. Perhaps, I was the problem itself.

Regardless of who is wrong in this case, I think I owe it to myself to be a better person, to enjoy life more and not to take silly things seriously. And afterall, maybe I am the one who should take the blame. 

I quoted what Wasiat said "If being selfish is still inherent on us, we will hardly see ourselves as the root of our problems".

Another Acceptance

I'm not an expert in relationship (well, no one says that I am, Lol). But yet, let me tell you another tip in a relationship. You may have heard it before, but yeah there's nothing wrong sharing my experience, aight?

Yesterday, after having dinner (snacks) at Kuningan City, K and I decided to go to Alam Sutra to meet our beloved friend, T. He got us batagor and molen from Bandung. On our way there, I called T and made some jokes. Long story short, my K said harsh word to me because of that jokes. I felt offended, though I knew he didn't really mean it (or he did). 

But then he said sorry with his funny way as always. Then he said to me, "You know what, we had never fought these days". I agreed. For sure we had some pique and vexation now and then. It is impossible to have none when you live together. But we let go of those things. We don't let our anger and dejection define our relationship. 

That's my tip, let go. Let go means you forget that vexation. And by forget, you don't bring it up in the future. It's unlikely to have someone that really fits you. There are dents anywhere. That's why you need to accept. And let go is one form of acceptance. 

I let go of his harsh word. It may hurt me, but instead of focusing on the hurts, I smiled on the way he says his apology. I believe he does the same thing now and then. 

Love is not about perfecting each other. There's nothing perfect, and it's okay to have pique in it. But again, don't let this wound determine your relationship. Let go, and be happy! 

This is Why I Write

Some people may stop using Jack'd or any other gay network apps when they are in relationship. I do too. I mean I stop using it to find my soulmate, since I found one. But you may recognize that I am still there, in Jack'd. I do open it time after time.

Why? In my profile, I put the address of this blog. I have a dream that I could inspire people with what I write. Once in a while, when I open my Jack'd, someone left a message for me. I ignore those who ask my whereabout or what I'm looking for, because it is stated clearly in my profile. But it is really nice to find some messages that tell me how they love my stories, that they are thankful for what I share, that my stories touch them in some ways. I always want to inspire people. And though it's not much, I did.

All I can say is thank you. Thank you for appreciating my writings. Thank you for keep reading them. Thank you for being touched by them. Thank you for sharing with me too.

I hope I can write more. I hope I can let us realize that gays love do exist. It's not a fairy tale. It is here. It is there, in your heart. But it doesn't come for free. There may be sacrifice, tears, fights, but we are in this together. You are not alone.

I love you all, and thank you. And please, feel free to drop any comments. It'll be my honor to grow with you.

Manly or Girly?

Another thing that tickles me and makes me wanna write is, again about acceptance.

Well, as we all know, we, gays, are trying hard so that people can accept us for who we really are. Marriage equality has been fought everywhere. Some of them gain succeed, some of them gain nothing. But we are still trying. We keep fighting for our rights. 

As a person, we do have our own fight about acceptance. There are times when we deal with hard times to convince people around us that we are not sick, that these are who we are. 

Those fights mean a lot for some of us, most of us. But ironically, in the same time, we are so hard on some people, even people like us.

A friend of mine, gay, said that gays should be manly or at least act less girly. Why? Because gays are men. Well, we are men, we should like girls instead other men, right? 

What about them, whose paradigms is they were born in the wrong bodies? A girl inside a boy? Regardless of whether it's wrong or right, we are not supposed to change them.

Then he said that if they are really willing to change (to be more masculine in the way they think and act), they can do it. The thing is, the same sentence had been said to us long ago, to me at least. My mom said to me once that if I really tried to like girls, I could. 

My point is, why don't we try to accept others' paradigm? We know how it feels to be judged, not to be accepted, and now when we are accepted, the least we can do is accepting others too. We owe them that much.

Rainbow and Butterflies

I was watching another tv series when my better half texted me. He said he was reading an article about Cheyenne Jackson in Gay Times magazine.

He said it was weird. It was said that Cheyenne and his partner, Monte Lapka had been together for 13 years and been married for almost 2 years. But when he browsed the internet he found that they just divorced. I said, "Wow."

My double-u-word wasn't because the magazine or the internet could be wrong about the story, but more because of how they could divorce after 13 years of togetherness. 

My relationship with K had stepped for its 6 months last Wednesday. It was nothing compared to what Jackson and Lapka had. So that it somehow frightened me, it brought me to what reality was. I mean, I don't live in a dream, I am living my dream. It reminded me that the sweetest dream could still be destroyed no matter how long you had been keeping tab on it.

I agreed to what Cheyenne said, "We are a team and you get through shit together. But relationship are not always rainbow and butterflies; sometimes you just want them to stop breathing because they're so annoying. Other times you can't get enough of them".

It was nice yet true. I might not get the whole story, but my idealistic mind wondered how a man that had reached that level of thoughts decided to live separately with his 13-years-partner.

Again, I might not know what they really faced. I revolted when I heard their story. It was sad. I just prayed not to face what they faced, but if we had to, we could deal with it differently, so none of us would say what Cheyenne described, "My life is great  ... It's sad right now because we're both going through something that's really painful, but that's life."

Best of luck for Mr. Jackson and Mr. Lapka.

Bored? What's that?

Long time ago if you asked me what my romantic dream was, I would say walking down along a beach while holding my loved one. 

Couple days ago, I realized I had conquered that dream. I walked barefoot along Sawarna beach, holding my better half's arm. I told him that it was once my dream. Looking at his face, exposed by the shiny of the dusk, I knew he was and he would be the only one. Then a bad thought came in.

I asked him, "Beb?"

"Hmmm," he said.

"Have you ever feel bored of this relationship?"

"Bored? I don't think bored ever crossed my mind when it comes to you".

My heart exploded. What he said was true. I never feel bored. I always miss him when he's not around although we live together. 

I never feel this feeling before. I don't exaggerate it. I never feel I am so comfortable with someone after 5 months. 

I kiss him more these days, and he hugs me more. We sleep in each other's arms. I wake up to him every single morning. 

I am blessed. I am loved. I could ask no more. 

So what's the point of this post? I don't know. I just wanna remember this time I guess. I just wanna write my feelings here so someday when I look back, I know how much I love him and how much he loves me. 

Coincidence?

Last Monday, I realized I just lost my gym shoes. I couldn't remember where I put them before. But the biggest possibilities was I left them at gym. 

So later in the afternoon, I went to Celebrity Fitness and asked the customer service if they found my gym shoes. The customer service guy came back with two pairs of gym shoes. One pair was pink, clearly they were ladies shoes and the other was a pair of big blue sport shoes, not smaller than 43 size. I didn't know what he thought, but how could possibly they were mine? So I just thankrf him and took a shower.

The day after I attended an iftar that was held by my office's vendor. I was sick but I pushed my self to come to respect the organizer. In the end of the dinner, my name was taken from a raffle box and I got a pocket digital camera. The next day, I sold it for IDR 900 K. 

The money I got from the camera was more than enough to buy a pair of gym shoes and a shoe bag. 

Lucky? Pure coincidence? 

My better half's tattoo says "Rien' arrive par hasard". As it for me, I believe in Ecclesiastes 3:11.

T&C Applied

I wasn't in good mood yesterday. I was tired and I could use some fun. Then it came to me, an idea to spend this upcoming holiday outtown. Rafting was one option. 

I was so excited so that I browsed here and there and asked my friend who was specialist in travel area about this. I thougt I was gonna use his service so all I had to do was paying. 

But then it required at least 6 people to do this activity. So I asked my friends to join this. I had set the date. One answered with a simple no because of the weather, the debit of the water could be gigantic, he said. One answered "okay lah, let's do this". One responded with so many questions but no yes or no as I write this. And some with enthusiasm agreed to join this.  

So I counted there was 7, included me and my better half. Following this up, I contacted again my friend to come out with the price and everything. 

This morning, I asked my fellows for confirmation. One still hadn't answered. Some asked me about the transportation, and said that they wouldn't join if they should drive themselves, though they said yesterday that they would drive instead of renting a car. One said that he had to ask his dad first since his dad might have planned family thingies on that date. So it left with one that confirmed to join this.

I hate this. Not because I don't respect their reasons to somehow canceled or asked me to make reservation first without them. But because they didn't say their "Terms and Condition" at the beginning. 

I hate dealing with incosistencies. I'd rather take a simple no than a yes with T&C Applied or a let-us-see thingies. 

My travel agent friend said that it should be 6 at least. And when I had 7 people I followed up with him. But then 4 of them canceled on me. It sucks. I have to deal with this guilty feeling and cancel on my travel agent friend. It isn't easy. But who cares? No one!!!

It makes me realize not to depend on any one. It simply was a mistake. I miscount. I thought I could count on them. It is sad. But I'll live. Lol! 

Step In

Do you like quotes? I do. I read them, I like them then I sometimes start to believe them. I often apply them in my personal life. 

I read a quote this morning, saying that couples who fight often are most likely stronger than who do not. 

Well, I was attracted and I did repath it, since I and my better half do fight often, though it has been less nowadays. And when I read this quote, I kinda believed it. But then my cynical thougt knocked on my consience, was it just an excuse so that I would think that fighting was okay? 

Once we make quote ourselves, we want to make our quote catchy, easy to remember. Yet when we read quote, we tend to be attracted to this catchy part and forget the others. 

And this quote was catchy too, at least for me. The first sentence was Couple who fight often are most likely stronger than who do not. Ain't it strike you? For you who have partner, I do believe the word fighting isn't peculiar.

When you read this very quote, do you think fighting often is good for your relationship? 

Fortunately, this quote didn't stop there. It also explained that it wasn't the fighting but the making up that did make relationship go stronger, it came to realization that our relationship were more important than our differences. It continued "It involves forgiveness and acceptance of one's mistake." I think this is the most important part. Figthing will never be good until we come to forgiveness and acceptance.

The point is I want to remind myself (or even you guys) that we tend to look and stop at one point, one paradigm. It may not be wrong, but it may not be complete either. You can't see the whole room looking from a door at one side. You need to step in and rotate your view. It does apply in many aspects of life. 

Good day!!

A Simple Thank You

My better half works in a sales department. He gets basic salary and incentive. 

As you may know, incentive is given to boost sales to sell their products more. My better half worked hard for this. We've been together for months now and never I have thanked him for this.

We tend to forget to say thank you to others because we think it's their job to do so. We forget to thank our mums for cooking us dinner, we forget to thank our dads for driving us to school, or even works. We forget to thank our maid for cleaning up our messy rooms. We forget to thank our men for their great jobs. 

We forget because they do what they suppose to do. It's natural. But it would be nicer if we start to say thank you. A sincere one. A thank you simply reminds us how they have done thing for us. A thank you simply states our gratitudes to them. 

So today, when he said that he reached enough incentive, I said "thank you, bebi." And indeed he felt strange about it. Lol. I appreciated what he did for us, no matter how much he gained.

Stop for a while and remember what others have done for us. And if you have the chance, tell them how you are thankful for those. It won't hurt you. At all.

And to all my blog readers (though I know they won't be more than my fingers), thank you. Love you all. 

Lovebirds

This morning I was bored. I texted my better half, but he was a bit busy. So I said hi to Mr. Cavill (not a real name). I asked how life was and so on. 

Then I asked about his love life for couple days ago, I introduced him to one of my good friends, Mr. Connick. It went well, he said. No surprise at all. Why?

Because I knew. Lol. Yesterday Connick whatsapp-ed me telling that the conversation between them went well. And having a finger in the pie, I dig both's side story.

I won't share their stories here, but indeed they made me smile. I believe I could feel the same way they did, the urge to text, to call, to pay and give attention to each other. It was like what I feel when I am with K. It was lovely. It was nice. It made me grin even more.

Oh gosh, can I say love is in the air? Or can I say "lovebirds"? Well, I don't care, it's my blog anyway. Lol.

Then one thing came to my mind. They are separated by ocean, thousand miles away. I hate to break this sweetness but I think they should take times to figure this out. Fortunately, they have.

Well, it is just the beginning, it is the first tiny little step in a long journey. But who knows? We may think that we can't, but the universe may say otherwise. 

Why do I blog this so-called-cheesy thing? Because it affects me somehow. Not because I am being an amateur matchmaker (I am a first timer in this field), it just simply is because the fact that love-is-the-air affects me. Well it may have not been the real "love", but still. 

If their love affects me, gives me some positive energy, then I believe that my love for K also gives hope and joy to others (somehow), and surely your love for everyone you love do that as well. 

Ain't it beautiful? If so, there is no reason to stop loving then. Cheers!

PS. K, when I share this story to you, you said that I might be attracted to one of these guys. The truth is I am not. I just can feel the joy they share. And I may gain victory in my first time being matchmaker. Lol. I love you K, even more. You are the only one. 

(Never) Do This At Home

I was confuse. It hit me bad. Well I am okay. It has nothing to do with me directly, but it affects me.

This morning I was browsing my path when I saw my path friend's picture. He wished happiness for someone's wedding. And when I went deeper into that post, I found out that it was his boyfriend's wedding. With a girl. It stung me right away. 

I don't know them very well, but since he added me as a path friend, I saw their lovely pictures here and then. I thought they were sweet. And I never imagined that one of them would marry someone else, especially a girl, but still together after the wedding.

I didn't mind at all. It was their decision, and I believe there is an explainable reason that may never crossed my mind. I appreciate what they did, for their brave acts. And I wish them happiness as well.

But for me, at least in my thoughts and dreams, it won't work that way for it is against to what I believe in. Maybe I am too fuddy-duddy, but when it comes to tying knots of marriage, it is sacred. It is a one way trip where there's no turning back. And in a marriage, there will be no one else but the two persons who say "I do" to each other, vow to each other their lives.

I am writing this not to judge anyone. I am writing this to remind us that this thing does happen. That people may choose different ways to reach what they want. It happens in front of my eyes, not only in movies.

I may never be in their position, as well as my better half. We would never take that decision. But I do respect them. They are chasing their dreams. Our ways may be different to each other's, but what's wrong with being different? 

Lastly, are you guys ready to reach your dream? Are you brave enough to be different?

Coming Out (Part 1)

One of my blog readers (oh my, I said reader with 'S'. Lol) asked me how I came out, how I struggled with it. Well, it intrigued me. Opening old pages seem a bit boring, eh? But maybe I could share some too. So here we go...

Coming out to family is the hardest. Believe me it is. Telling your mom about you being gay is hard, but the consequences after those moments will be killing you, at least until you have their blessing. 

9 years ago I was dumped, my ex boyfriend cheated on me. In my desperation, too naive and being guilty by being gay, I told my mom that I had made a mistake. I thought I could change myself to be 'normal' and my family could help me.

That time my mom and dad calmed me. They said that it was okay to make mistake. They said they loved me for whoever I was. But since then, it was never the same. My parents, especially my mom got easily paranoid if I hung out with my guy friends (no matter they were gays or not, well yeah most of the times they were).

I, in other hand, realized that being with guy is my 'normal' thing. Telling my mom that I was trying to be straight while I hid my meeting with guys. But I wasn't good in covering my tracks. Some of those times my mom would wrote me a long letter or called me at night to tell me that she was worried and she knew that I dated guys.

It was getting worse. Trying not to make my mom worry, I kept distance with my mom. I was alone. I felt uncomfort. It went for almost 9 years.

Then someday my mom asked me why I had been so far from her. I was on my way to office. It broke my heart. Then I told her at the phone that I was really gay, I couldn't be normal, that I wish I were. I was seeing someone and I wish my mom could accept me for who I was.

And she told me that she was willing to try to accept me. She asked me to bring my boyfriend (he is my ex now) home to be introduced to her. 

After that, it was getting easier. Convincing my dad and my sister was easier. Much easier.

I was relieved. I had waited for 9 years and I didn't see any light. 

My mom loves me. She never stops loving me. And I believed yours too. When you decide to come out, give her time. Don't be so hard on her. Accepting who you really are may be not that hard, but she has to embrace the world around her too. She has to be ready to face its reaction to the fact that her son is gay.

Before you come out of the closet, ask yourself what you want to be in the future. If you want to have a 'normal' family, I don't think you should come out. Because if you do so, you just bring your parents more burden to carry. 

People tend to forget that coming out is not about yourself, it is about your family too. It's not only about "this is me, this is who I really am", but it is also about accepting the reality that your family may not be ready for who you really are. 

Maybe you have spent your whole life hiding in a closet and you think you deserve an avowal for who you are. But your family, especially your parents also deserve the same thing. Believe me you won't be happy until you have your parents' blessing. 

Leap of Faith

Have you guys watched Man of Steel? You should if you haven't. Well for me, it is the best superhero movie ever!!!!!! Lol.

But really, it is good. I like the storyline, i love the plot and i crave the quotes, especially this one:
"Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust (or you can change with everything) part comes later."

It's true. I did it many times. It doesn't mean you don't have doubts when you do. The truth is you have. You have worries, you have doubts, you don't know what to do. All you rational thoughts confuse you. This is the time when you exactly have to trust your gut and go with it.

Like you know, and maybe like you have in mind, my decision to move in with my better half may sound too fast. I did have doubts at that time. I was worried things wouldn't go as we planned. But we did took a leap of faith. And in the end of the day, we trusted what we had, which was love and commitment.

When I watched Man of Steel, there was this problem I had with my better half. Indeed it was about trust. This movie reminded me that all I had to do is to take a leap of faith and the trust part will come later. It inspired me to do so. And that was what I did.

This leap-of-faith thing will give you hope. That's what the house of El believes. That's what I believe. Hope keeps you going. Keep going my friend. Keep going. You won't see your beautiful future if you stop and give up to your worries and doubts.

Again, you may not be ready for what's gonna happen. And you won't know what awaits you there. No guarantee it won't crush you. But ain't it worth it?

My Angel, Here on Earth

Time flies by. Really. It has been almost a month we have spent under one roof. For the first days, I somehow felt homesick. Well, it's my new home, but I missed my old one, where I had spent more than 11years there.

And yes, I missed my mom. Lol. I may sound like a spoiled brat. But I am really close to my mom. And not seeing her every day made me miss her. It felt weird to live in the same town but I couldn't see her every single day.

As you may know, my mom lives in Klaten, a small town where I spent my childhood. But since my sister went to Jakarta in 2004, my mom practically lives here too. It's like almost 6 months in a year she lives in Jakarta.

I dont't know but I think this is the same feeling I share with them who have left home to start a new family. Maybe this is what they feel. And I was sure I was gonna be fine. And I am.

Last week, my mom visited me. We had lunch together with my dad and my sister. When they were going home, my mom kissed me and whispered, "I feel that I lost you, Son. I miss you." My heart broke. I really wanted to cry. But I was trying so hard not to. I just smiled and hugged her. Then she continued, "Maybe it is because I am here. It will be okay if I'm in Klaten, you know, right?" I nodded, "Yes, maybe it is."

Last Saturday, my sister texted me telling me that my mom was sick. She could barely move because it was painful on her back. I thought it was because she was too tired. So I told her to rest. The next day, we went to the church together. We didn't have dinner because I had to go home and had dinner with my better half. I was going to watch a movie when my sister texted me again that she would take my mother to the hospital because she could not bare the pain.

I called her and my mom told me that she was okay that she just needed some painkillers. I tried to calm myself down. But when I told K about this, I didn't realize I cried. I. My worries had taken the best of me. I called her again and told her that I was going to the hospital too, but she said no. She convinced me that she was okay. I cried. I did cried. I guess I thought too far.

My K hugged me and told me that everything was gonna be just fine.

Half an hour later , I called my mom again. The doctor said that she was okay, she said. I was relieved. The next day, she went to a doctor again to make sure. And after some check-ups, it was found out that she had a minor calcification. But we should had no worry.

Thank God for keeping my mom healthy.

Mom, I love you so much. You are my angel.

In God We Trust

I used my own money to buy my apartment. And I also used installments. And though I have moved to a new company and have raised salary, there were times when I felt that I didn't have enough money left for living.

The saving I have now is only enough for installment and basic living cost. I did calculate everything, and there would be another expenses because we planned to go to Thailand next August and to Hongkong next October. 

It stressed me out. I used not to thinking when I was going to go abroad. I did have savings for that. The option was we had to cancell our Thailand journey though we had bought the flight tickets.

If you asked my better half, there would be times I grumbled and grouched about our financial problems. He might be so tired hearing me squawking. Lol. As you know I worried a lot.

But God had been so good. In His time, He fulfilled what we needed. It didn't happen only once. And now I am relieved. It is not much. But it is enough. 

His blessing ain't only financial. He helped me through our bad times in magical ways. So, I'm quoting Americans, In God We Trust. 

It sounds like I wrote about Christianity, but what I really wanna write is about how good He is. God is universal. You can refer God as "a greater power". 

Another Step

Hellowwww! *with high enthusiasm*

How's life? It must be good, ain't it?

As it for me, it is! Overwhelming though. Living together with someone you love is more than words can explain.

My mom asked me to have a dinner celebration for I had moved in to my new place. We planned to invite some people who were close to us. But then it was canceled and there was only my mom, my dad, my sister and I who had a simple lunch in my apartment.

Later in the afternoon, when my family had gone home, my better half came home after attending his nephew's 1st bday party. He came with his mom. Then he asked me to go with him to Karawaci along with his mom. And he also invited my mom. I was a bit frightened actually. My mom and his mom had never met before.

Then I realized that his mom was also confused. She was afraid she wouldn't know what to talk when my mom was around. But the reality was, they talked like old friends. Lol. It wasn't awkward at all, yeah maybe a little at the beginning.

I am thankful for this. I am thankful we have made this far. The furthest relationship I have ever had with a guy.

We have stepped another step forward. And may it lead to what we have been dreaming of. Having a family of our own. We keep dreaming. We keep making it real.

Today, I have a new dream, but I won't tell you guys. I hope it will make you curious. The clue is "having a family". Catcha later!!!

New Address

Whooohooo....

Finally!!! It's official now. Since last night, I and my better half have been occupying our new flat.

A new home means a lot of things to do. Cleaning the home is one thing. Well, it ain't that big a deal, but I'm thankful it's only 45 sqm. I'll hurt my back when mopping the floor if it's larger. LOL.

Living in an apartment is not as easy as living in a landed house. The regulation is tighter. Everytime we buy big things like sofa, beds and tv, we have to ask for a permission letter from the building management. It's somehow exhausting.

All the works, though it's not really finished, are worthed. They all were paid up by the moment I was going to bed and someone was hugging me from behind. There was a goodnight kiss from the man I love most. And most of all, this morning I woke up to him. It was amazing. And you know what, I'm going to experience those thingies every day and every night. Wow!!!!

But not just that, as I told you earlier, those amazing feelings come with price. There will be time when I disagree with his thoughts. But hey, that's the essence of living together, eh? We will learn how to agree to disagree.

Finally, I would like to thank everyone who somehow help us to make one of our dreams come true. Our parents, my sister and everyone... And my dearest, Jesus Christ. It's a blessing indeed.

One whisper from my better half that I can share with you : "Look, we are living our dream".

The Sofa

This is the last week of my employment here. Two weeks from now, I'll be effectively working for another bank. It is a blessing indeed. Time flies by. And it also means I and K will start a new life together soon.

I am all excited. Lately, we fought a lot though. There were many differences between us. Even for small things.

We did argue while choosing a set of dining utensils. Silly, eh? Not really. I will laugh my ass off everytime I remember.

But K always said, "These are colours in our life. They make our relationship beautiful, ain't it? When I fight you, it doesn't mean you are my enemy. I never see you as a contradiction of mine, I see our differences as colours."

I do believe his saying. I believe that this relationship is worth fighting for.

Then there was a sofa. We visited Informa at Living World, approximately 3 weeks ago. I did like a sofa that would fit our apartment. But K said it was too fat and narrow. While for me, the most important thing is, this sofa should fit our apartment. We didn't fight but we argue.

Last Thursday we went there again. And after spending more than 3 hours looking for sofa, console table, mirror and everything else, we came to an agreement to buy that very sofa. We sit there for a while.

This sofa was our witness when we argued. This sofa was a proof that we have our differences but we manage to have one decision. This sofa will be our witness as we start our new life. And this sofa might be with us for a long time.

And as this sofa, there will be a lot of things that will be our witnesses. May all of them record all the beauties of our relationship, through good and bad times.

A Place Called Home

Whooop Whooop....  A month had passed without any prints here. It was not because I didn't wanna write. I just waited and I didn't wanna jinx it. Jinx what exactly? Well, this is what I wanna tell you.

I remember a quote that says 'Home is where your heart lays'. It is true. And it is my dream to have a home where my heart is. And you know, my heart belongs to K. So, to make it happen, we have to live together, to live under one roof.

And as I had written before, we looked for an apartment. And VOILA, we've found it, a small one, 40 square meters, located in the center of Jakarta.

I never expected that this dream, our dream, would happen as soon as this. If I went back to couple months ago, I never imagined that I would fall in love again, fight for my dreams which was broken along with my ended relationship with my ex. Who would have thought that 7 months later, I would be standing here, looking at city lights from the 26th floor of The Boulevard, from our own balcony, holding my better half's hand while our mind is reaching our further dreams? Who would have thought, that shattered dream would come to reality, letting me deeply kiss and hug my K, on our bed, in our small yet lovely room?

It is beautiful. Beautiful it is. I am grateful because of this bunch of happiness. I thank God for every happiness that comes to us.

But lemme remind you, that happiness doesn't come for free. We do fight each other. We do have our differences, perspective, idealism, and paradigms. There are times when we feel tired. But the thing is, at the end of the day, we still need each other, we love and we committed to each other.

It is just a start. I do believe that there will be time when we fight. And I do believe that we can't eliminate our differences, they make us special. All we can do is accepting and widening our tolerance level. We are learning to be able to know when we have to argue, when we have to let go things. The point is we have to work it out.

And after all, K is someone I don't wanna live without. His heart is a place I call home.

PS. The Boulevard is located in area called Kampung Bali. I used to dream that someday I would live in Bali. Well, it is not Bali at all, but at least it's called Bali. I don't believe in coincidence. I do believe in God's sense of humor. LOL.

Loving You Tonight

You are there on my heart, at the start, of my every morning and I, 

Can't deny, by the end of the day that I'm running on empty but 

You make me full, steal my breath, you're so unpredictable 

That's what I'm coming home to 

Listening to Andrew Allen's Loving You Tonight is kinda declaring what I feel about my better half. The imagination of coming home to someone who cares about me every single day overwhelms me. The load of my work at the office is killing me these days, but coming home to K, cuddling in his arms, looking at his eyes, kissing his sweet lips... ohh gosh, I really want that, I do. It's like I can conquer everything. It's like I go home from war, bleeding, and then I am healed and ready to face another fight the next day.

Reaching that dream, we've been looking for an apartment. Not a big one, a small and cozy one is more than enough. K is so enthusiastic with this idea. He's the one who emails and calls every apartment seller in this town. It wasn't easy to find the one we want, but we keep trying.

I'm proud of K. He is willing to do everything he can to make our dreams come true. That is what we all need from someone we love, eh?

We are also now finding new jobs for us for a better income, so it would make us easier to find our new home. I am close to seal the deal with my new job, but anything can happen, so I keep my finger crossed and pray to God every day. May He grant what I, we wish for. My K is in the same process right now. Pray for us, would ya?

Dream, believe and make it happen! - Agnes Monica -

Oh I'm dreaming about a romance, slow dancing with you, 

when I got you in arms, I don't care what we do 

And I'll say hey, you'll say baby, how's ur day, 

I'll say crazy, but it's all gonna be alright 

You'll kiss my smile, I'll pull you closer, 

spend a while just getting to know ya, 

but it's gonna be all alright 

I'm loving you tonight 

Loving you tonight 

Every day is just the in-between, 

the hours separating you from me I know you'll be waiting, 

I know that you'll be waiting 

Our Wedding Deals

'Dup? Hope you are good!

You know what, it's been a month! And both of us forgot. LOL. Though none of us remembered, we had a great time yesterday. We went to gym and caught The Croods after. It was a great movie!!! Funny one. Really funny. My better half couldn't stop laughing. The thing was, you can call it coincidence, as I call it 'happen for reason', we did made our wedding deals.

The idea came from him, after he read Out Magazine. He asked me to make a list about what I wanted for our wedding day. He did the same too. Apparently we have similar idea. Here it is, Our Wedding Deals.

Pretty similar right? I really hope we make it to that day. 2 years from now, hopefully. Anyway, Happy 1st Month-versary, dear. Love you so much!

I Am Sorry

I am embarrassed to write this. But I have to, as a reminder how I have hurt my better half. I was so emotional and I forgot what he had done for me.

Today, March 15 is my birthday. We planned to have a dinner at Central Park around 8pm. But since he was busy with his religious matter, it was delayed. While I waited for him, I met my friends and had snacks as we chatted. Suddenly my better half called me, telling me that he's done with his thing and he was on his way to me. I replied with my not usual tone, since I was with my friend. I didn't realized that I was shouting or yelling to him.

When I called him back few minutes later, he sounded mad. I had no idea why since I didn't realized that I was shouting before. I tried to calm down. But I was upset. When I met him I asked him why. He said he didn't wanna argue. That made me more upset. I spoke to him which was then turn into shouting which again I didn't realize and I left him.

I was so mad and upset, wondering why and why. Then we fought over whatsapp. It was silly. I called him telling that I was mad. But then I went back to the restaurant while he was about to eat his dinner. The situation got no better after that.

We talked. I still felt that he didn't want to understand. And we talked. I was about to cry, but I told myself not to. We kept talking, then I realized I was wrong, I was so emotional. I didn't remember that he didn't like to be pushed when he was mad. I should give him time to calm down.

I was older, I should be wiser than he was. I said sorry. I apologized. And things got better after that.

After we finished our dinner, he gave me a Bonia watch. It was beautiful. He remembered every detail I liked in watch. My God. I was touched yet ashamed.

He also bought me a cake, a small one, but it wasn't about the cake, but it was all about how much he care about me.

Baby, I am sorry. I do apologize for things I've said and done. I should understand you more. I should control my emotion. I am sorry. I may not convince you when I say I love you, but I do. Help me to be a better man.

The Book is Better than Its Cover

Yesterday was chaos. Yesterday, I was fucked up. But I don't regret it. Everything happened for reasons. Because of yesterday, I know him more, I love him more.

Back to couple months ago, I would not expect my life would be like this. I had no idea I would fall for this guy. God seriously has sense of humor.

I knew K from my ex. We did not meet in person, my ex just told me about K, and his blog. Later that day, I read his writings, which led me to assumption that in so many ways, I knew I would never date someone like K. Someone who was very outspoken, pretty wild, had high lifestyle and, you know, had these bunch of high criteria of guy he'd date. I knew I would never meet his criteria, so yeah...

But here I am now, attached myself to so-called-never-imagined-to-be-with-guy.

Now. He is the one I want to talk to every single day. He is the one I want to miss every minute of my life. He is the one I want to walk the isle with. He is the one I want to say my wedding vow to. He is the one I want my kids call daddy. He is the one I want to spend every night with. He is the one I want to grow old with.

He amazingly understands me. He is willing to keep his head cool when I am mad. He is willing to keep his voice low when I yell at him. He somehow accepts me for who I am. What could I ask for more?

I am right when I thought he was outspoken and had high lifestyle. He is. But there's more to it about this man. He is the most sincere man I ever met in my life.

On my last post, I said he was not perfect. Well he kinda is. He is perfect for me. And I thank God every day for letting me be with him.

I love you K, a man whose heart is way bigger than his tummy.

Demanding Heart

Hey, guys! Wuddup?
It's been a week since my last post. I was sick this week. I got fever and cough. Hoh! I barely breathed. But I'm getting better now, thank God.

I wish I could write this in better situation. My week got worse because we had these stupid little arguments, and today's was the worst.

It just happen, not more than an hour ago. My better half got an interview for a new company this morning, and since he didn't want to go back to office after the interview, he went to gym near my office. Long story short, he asked me out for lunch. I, of course, said yes. I did have my lunch box, but I thought I could eat it later.

Couple minutes before lunch time, he texted me.
"Beb, why don't you eat your lunchbox? Sam asked me to meet him. May I go lunch with him? No hard feeling, Beb."
I was hurt. It was not because I was jealous, it felt like blindsided, I felt not good.
He made a deal with me, and he was gonna pick me for lunch date. Then he cancelled on me to go with another guy, and acted like he cared about my lunchbox. Later I knew he already said yes to Sam before he asked me. Then what was the point asking my permission?

I was mad. I was blindsided. It really hurt me. I confronted him and he wondered why I did so. He blamed me for being too sensitive and all. Gosh, maybe I was overreacted, but it did hurt.

I tried to explain what I felt to him. And then he apologized, and underlined that he didn't mean to. I forgave him no matter what. But the pain was still there.

You may be able to pull out nails you've hammered on a block of wood, but the hole will still be there, no matter how good you cover them.

I was spending another five minutes in my office toilet, crying. I'm a mushy, eh? I am. LoL.

Well, I am not a perfect person, nobody does. What I learn is he's not a perfect man either. He has flaws. And his flaws may hurt me once in a while. But with my demanding heart, I still love him. I love him for he is not ashamed admitting that he was wrong, I love him for who he is. And I know he loves me and he is committed to me.

It is not easy to say you love someone when you are really mad and hurt by them. But love is all about commitment eh? I won't give up because of this little fight. I just won't.

This post may make me cry again some other time, but this post also will remind me that in a relationship we may hurt each other, but that is part of the process. I always remember, - and wish him to remember too -, my better half's quote "It's not easy to be part of someone, but I'm never tired to try."

Living a Dream

Someone who read this blog, curiously asked me what happened when I picked my better half last Sunday. Like I said, I hugged him. I did. Long enough to make people around me wondering, what kind of hug that was. Not that I cared, I just assumed they wondered. LoL. No kissing, we saved it for later in that day. I wasn't ignorant enough to do it in public, not just yet. 

Okay, that's it.

Two nights ago, I was talking to my mom, then suddenly she asked me, "Son, what are you gonna do about your future?"

I gasped. "What do you mean?"

The conversation continued, she asked me whether I was gonna marry a girl or not. Apparently, as a parent, there was still hope, I could see in her eyes, that I would have a so-called-normal family one day.

I said, breaking it to her, that I didn't think I would have one. It was hard to kill her dream, but it wasn't the life I wanted. Then she told me that she understood. She would try to accept it, she said that she just wanted me to be happy. She accepted me for who I was, or at least, she was trying to. She also told me that she accepted my better half, she would not do anything that could harm my relationship with him. 

Then she asked me again what I would do about it. I said nothing about gay marriage, it might be too much for her, so I just told her that I wanted to be settled, with K. I told her that we planned to move to Bali, to own a house and to start a small business there. She encouraged me to have it sooner than I planned. WOW!.

Having those plan with K is amazing, but having my mom encourages me, it's more than wonderful.

"How about you Sis? Aren't you ashamed of who I am?" I asked my sister who happened to be in the same room.

"Should I be? As long as you are happy, as long as you are comfortable with who you really are, I'm with you," she said.

Double prize!!! What I could ask for more????

The real small starting plan is we would visit Bali in July, to look at the house. It is not big, but hey, I don't want a fancy one either, all I want is a cozy one where I start my family with K. Meanwhile, we are looking for better jobs with better income. Wish us luck, would ya? 

I live in my dream. I live it day by day. I am walking in it. I might be still far from it, but every long journey start with a single step, eh? If Clinton Bryan and Callum Mathieson, Josh Taylor and Edison Fan, Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka can make it, why can't I? And if I can make it someday, I believe the same thing is possible happen to you. 

I hope someday, I will look back and read this blog, while enjoying sunset and holding my husband's hand, at the back of our sweet little house in Ungasan.

Love?

I've always been intrigued with people talk about love, love and love but it seems no one talk about commitment. Some people fell in love, made a relationship, failed then blamed love, for because of love they felt betrayal, sadness, desperation and you name it.

Like I always say, contrary to what people mostly believe, love needs reason. Even parents love their children because they are their children. And true, when the reason is gone, love can simply fade away too. Love does fade away, love does wither. And it's normal. It's reasonable.

Then there comes commitment. When you decide to love, you make a commitment to love someone for who he really is, whoever he's gonna be (of course in a good way). So when your love fades away, when your love wither as time goes by, you remember, you are committed. Then you fight your feeling, you try hard to make it grow again. It doesn't matter how you grow it, as for me, I will always ask myself what I will be without him, what we've been through, what I miss if I'm not with him and any other good things that I have and I will go through with him.

I tell you this, if you give up when your love fades away, you will never grow. No matter who you are with, your love will always fade away. You can't blame love for it's withered. History will repeat itself when you are not committed. You can not wish a magical tremendous way to keep your love, you fight it.

You can say that it's scary to be committed to someone, well, you can't expect your partner to be committed to you when you aren't to him, right? Ain't it even scarier to trust yourself to someone without commitment? You can leave him anytime, while he also has the same right to do so (even when you are deeply in love with him, who cares anyway?).

I'm not saying you have to be bonded in a marriage or in a legally way. But at least, you teach your heart not to just love but to commit. There's no guarantee that your partner will be as committed as you are. But hey, again at least, you learn how to be an adult, a man who knows how to have a serious and grown-up relationship.

So, there's nothing to be proud of by saying 'Hey, I'm in love!', but be proud when you are able to say 'Listen, I'm committed."

What Means The Most

What means the most to me

Is waking up next to you

Feel the morning breeze

You're my favorite thing and I love

Coming home to your arms

When you kiss me hello

It's these simple things

That mean the most to me

This Caillat's song seems so extremely exaggerating. But the truth is, it isn't. It doesn't mean that anything else but waking-up-next-to-him is not important. It just shows us that whatever you face in this world, when you have someone to be there for you, you still feel strong. You have someone to come back to. You have someone to lean on.

In my relationship with K, I'm the well-organized, the neat, the tidy, the premeditated one, he's more outspoken, adventurous, and spontaneous. I'm more a thinker while he's the doer. I'm easily stressful and he acts cool or at-least try to act cool every now and then. 

He's not good in managing his financial problem, - well I'm not saying I am, but at least I'm better -, while I'm not good in controlling my emotion. I find it hard not to over think about something that means a lot for me. 

All I'm saying is he's there for me when with my weaknesses I feel the sky falls down on me. It always calm me down to hold his hands, to be in his arms, to put my head on his shoulder. And even just to look at his eyes. Because when I look into his eyes, I see my future.

I believe the feeling is mutual. I believe he needs me as well. Though somehow, I need him more than he does. And yes, he means the most to me. I pray everyday, so we can keep this love, this commitment. We've just started everything, it's been only a week or so, but hey, hope makes you live your life to its fullest, right?

Conquer The Yearning

I'm writing this at Soekarno Hatta Airport, waiting for my better half's flight to land. Yes, he's been abroad for 10 days, 10 hard days. Someone is sleeping beside me and he's snoring hard. LoL.

It was actually hard to be without him second day we were together. But today, as I write this, his plane has landed, gonna see him soon. Gosh, I miss him so much. Maybe you think I do exaggerate this, well I did exactly think the same way 11 days ago. Oh yeah, I am fine, totally fine.

The thing is two days ago, he was sick. He texted me that he felt so weak, he had fever and he barely walk. It made me helpless. It was the time when you know you absolutely willing to do something to ease your loved one's pain, but you couldn't. Because of those fucking distance between you both.

All I can do was pray and pray and tell him what medicine he should take. I am clearly not a doctor, but looking at the symptoms I know a thing or two.

Yet he was not an easy man to be told to. I asked him to eat, so he would get some more energy and it would help him to recover, but yeah he always had these reasons not to. It frustated me somehow. I got mad. I love him so much and getting sick is the last thing I want for him.

But thank God, he got better and better.

He will show anytime soon at the departure gate. I will hug him, I don't care what people are gonna think. See you then!!!!

My 1st Homemade Aglio e Olio

My better half is out of country. I had spent two weekends by myself, staying home. This evening, I really wanted a portion of Aglio e Olio, but I didn't wanna go to any Italian restaurant alone. So I tried to made it myself.

I googled the recipe and found some. Then I went to the nearest supermarket, to buy Olive Oil and Parsley.

It was simple and easy, and it went well. I like my homemade Aglio e Olio. It was good.

I'll share you the recipe (for 1 portion).

Ingredients:
100 g of spaghetti
1 tbsp olive oil
3 cloves of garlic
2 red chili padi
15 g parsley
2 g cube butter
salt

Instructions:
1. Boiled some salt into a pot of water.After it's boiled, put your spaghetti into it. Cook the pasta until 'al-dente' (still offfering resistance to the bite, but cooked through). Drain and set aside, reserving a small cup of pasta water.
2. Saute garlic in hot olive oil until it turns light golden brown and turn off the stove.
3. Add the cooked pasta, 1-2 tbsp reserve pasta water, chopped parsley, and cube butter to the garlic and olive oil mixture. Stir the coat all the ingredients evenly.

That's it! It won't take more than 30 minutes. Enjoy!

It Ain't Affection Carnival

Some people scorn on public display affection. Some others praise it. As it for me, I define it by their purpose doing it.  I try not to judge people who does it.

A man like my better half, likes to let the world know that he is in love and he is loved. He may feel good when someone put his arm around him or just hold his hand while walk in malls. But he doesn't do it for showing off. He does it because he is happy, he likes the feeling that his partner loves him without being ashamed that they are gay. (read it here)

I, again, am in the middle. I like to be intimate sometimes, even in public area. I will be fine with it as long as it won't affect me or my loved one. I mean, I definitely won't kiss him in a country which most of its people are homophobic, I could end up being killed or stoned. 

On New Year's eve, we practically didn't know what to do. As you know, like Valentine, I'm not a fan of this so-called-big-special-day of the year. We went to Porter House at Pantai Indah Kapuk, North Jakarta. Having a glass or two beers would be good, we thought. Arriving there, it was pretty crowded. But we managed to get seat, for four of us. 

It was only 10 days after we started everything, but clearly I was attracted to him. And I liked him to know that. Without too much thinking, I dared him.

"Let's kiss a minute before New Year, until a minute after. So we will kiss for a whole year," I said to him in the middle of playing cards.

"Serious? I'm okay with that but I don't think you have the guts," he smirked. 

"Let's see!"

An our later, people were counting down, we were standing, holding New Year's trumpets, getting ready blowing it. I moved my body towards him, and I kissed him 10 seconds before New Year, and kept kissing him until I didn't know when. It was good. I felt relieved somehow.

After that, a logical thought came out. What if there were people I knew among the crowd? I looked around and people didn't seem care for what we did. 

What I want to tell you is, it's okay to do some public display affection. Do it because you feel like to do it. Do it because you wanna show your loved one that you love him no matter what. Do it in the right time and right place, since we are not in a parade or carnival. You won't like people stare at you and disgusted by you. So others can feel it too, others can feel that you don't do it because you just wanna show off or you aren't well-mannered. And don't do it too much. Something that is too much is not good either. Happy PDA!!!

My Better Half

A week had passed since Valentine. I hadn't put the words again in my mind. We had another regular week. He was going to go to countries in South Asia for work. He would left on February 22nd for 10 days. Knowing that we would miss each other so bad, we planned to have lunch date a day before.

It was Pepenero, a Italian restaurant which was located in the same building with my office, that would be our venue to have this lunch date. On 12 pm, he texted me to go there first and to order our regular menu, a Classic Margherita Pizza and a portion of Aglio e Olio (the name of this blog also came from this our favorite Italian dish). Oh, lemme tell you, he is a vegetarian. He can't eat any meat, for it can cause him stomach trouble.

Fifteen minutes later, he arrived. He ate so fast for he was so hungry, he said. It was lovely to watch him eat. He often grouch how fat he is and he become. As it for me, it doesn't matter. I love him for what he is. I wish he knew that.

Again, the no-one's-boyfriend-sentence came to the surface. I forgot what we were talking about and it just came out. Then he played with his iPhone. I was silent. I was thinking should I ask him now.

Then there was this moment, I felt my heart beat faster than ever, the words came out from my mouth unstructured. It was lame, I admitted, yet it was spontaneous.

"Why don't you be mine now?"
"Uh huh?"
"Would you be mine now?"
"Just that?"

Damn!!! I knew he hoped for more, not just a spontaneous unplanned proposal like this. Stupid, I said to myself. And he didn't answered. We went to buy Starbucks, and then I went with him to his car.

We had a long deep kiss before he left. Still without answering my proposal.

I tried to calm myself after that, I could try better next time, of course with a planning. I wanted him so bad. I wanted him to be mine.

I went back to my desk to work. Couple minutes later, I saw a Path notification on my iPhone. I opened my Path and read his writing, saying

K : BYE Single :) - with H

Was that an answer? I asked him on the commentary. It was funny since his friends already congratulated him and I was still in confusion. Then he said, 'It is :)'

Well, it made it official, right? It was the lamest proposal but with the happiest result. It was the longest time I'd been close to someone before we made it official. And I hope it will be forever last.

And since that time, February 21st 2013, I could call him my better half.

I'm About to Sail but....

"I'm no one's!"

That was one joking sentence he often said while we were talking. It underlined the fact that we were not committed yet that time. We needed each other, we missed each other, we 'baby'ed each other, we enjoyed each other company, but again, the fact that I had not asked him to be mine, might confused him.

Ah, I wished he'd known that my heart was his. All I needed was just time. It was selfish, I knew. But then what I did was for him. He made me smile a lot and I wanted to return the favor even more. Starting a committed relationship was my goal. I wouldn't even start to let myself fall for him if it wasn't my intention.

Then there was Valentine Day. He asked me to manage a dinner, a romantic one, just the two of us. Well, I wasn't a fan of Valentine. For me, every day with him was Valentine. But sure, I respected what he wanted. If it could make him smile even wider, why not? 

Finding a present wasn't easy. I wanted to buy him a pocket camera at first, but I just had one day to find the best camera with affordable price. I asked my friends and I had one in mind. But then it wasn't in any stores. 

I was browsing my facebook account when I saw an ad about perfume. Voila! Why didn't I buy him one? The one he liked the most, Diesel. It was easier after that. I bought it online, and the next day, the perfume was in my hand.

***

There was 3 in 1 rules for main roads in Jakarta which obliged us to have at least 3 people in a car on heavy-traffic hours. So we hit the gym before we had dinner that night. 

Luna Negra was one of many restaurants with good ambient. I picked the place because it wasn't too crowded and people would not pay attention on other's business. I starred at him during that romantic dinner, and found how adorable he was. My heart knew I had fallen for him so deep.

After an amazing dinner, we went back to his car. We exchanged presents we had. And he got me Zara shirt, the one that I wanted for some time. A very thoughtful of his. Thank you, dear.... hope you like what I gave you.

I hugged him, I kissed him. I let myself drown in him. And that moment, I wanted ask him to be mine. I arranged the words as fast as I could, but when finally those words was on the tip of my tongue, he let go his embrace, saying, "Let's go home! It's late.", and started to drive.

I just nod, and thought "Yeah, I guess it can wait, however you are my Valentine".

The Journey Continued

Though our relationship got stronger each day after that Christmas eve and I cared about him a lot, there were times I doubt that he shared mutual feeling toward me. Those were the times I felt fragile, I felt inferior. I didn't trust what he felt. I led myself to doubts.

Something pulled me, something dragged me not to go for him. It was my fear. Fear that I would be broken once again. I cried couple times when he did not do something I wanted him to do. It broke my heart when he seemed not willing to do simple things for me. I went too far. I demanded a lot.

But then I realized, it shouldn't be like that. I deserved to love. I deserved to feel happy again, not that I am saying I wasn't happy, but you know, like I said, my fear warned me not to fall into deep. And more, he deserved to be happy.

Then I started to really open up to him. His charm possessed me. His beauty enchanted me. My feeling grew faster than I realized.

Last year my family finally accepted me as a gay. And his family did too. It made things a little bit easier for us, I supposed. We talked about marriage, having kids, moving out to Bali. I planned to live in Bali months before, and having this plan with him was so amazing. Beyond words. Sharing these dreams strengthened my hope to be with him.

And then there was this financial problem. His. Not that it reduced the affection I had for him, it just made me under stressful condition. But thank God, we were able to solve it. Not really solve it, even by this time, but at least, we were heading to it. We are still working on it. Hard. Hopefully, we will be able to manage this financial issue.

Days went by days. We grew to each other. We were trusting each other. I knew my days will be filled with his presence. And so did his.

And It Went On

After playing cards, joking and laughing here and there, we decided to call it a night after 2 am. Since there were only 2 rooms in that villa, I shared my bed with him and my other friend. I immediately fell asleep, and later in the middle of the night I woke up, I didn't know why.

I opened my eyes and saw him didn't sleep as well. I moved closer to him. I hugged him. Again, please blame my adrenaline! No doubt, we kissed again. This time, it was passionate. The bed shook a bit when we rolled and rolled. Afraid of waking up my friend, I stopped and we tried to catch some sleep, of course hugging him. I felt overwhelmed.

***

We went home after lunch. I hugged him from the back seat on our way home. Later I knew, my gestures moved him. He thought that I was not afraid to express my love publicly. And he was moved by that.

Not much happen after that until the next day. 

It was 24th. Actually I had offered him to go with me to my church on Christmas Eve. He was a fan of Christmas songs, especially Buble's. After what happened in Puncak, I doubt he still considered to this plan. So I asked him again whether he wanted to go or not. And surprisingly he said yes. 

I expected it would be awkward. As I could tell you, he was the one with all those high standards of men he would be dating, and me, of gosh, I was asking myself 'Who Am I?'. You can explore his standards here. And to make it worse, I just read his writing not long before this happened.

But it went well. Smoother than I expected. We went on a lunch date, which was continued with movie date, with his hand in mine along the movie. It was fun. We talked a lot. And I started to have feeling for him on Christmas Eve services. I saw him singing Christmas song so damn well. He followed the rituals respectfully. He is not a Christian, but he did better than one. He even asked me to put down my blackberry.

It didn't end there. Dinner was in line. Late dinner with friends also followed. It was 3 am when I took him home. It was a super tiring day, yet fun and enjoyable. I loved that day. I loved that day I started to fall for him, a man whom is now my better half.