Loving You Tonight

You are there on my heart, at the start, of my every morning and I, 

Can't deny, by the end of the day that I'm running on empty but 

You make me full, steal my breath, you're so unpredictable 

That's what I'm coming home to 

Listening to Andrew Allen's Loving You Tonight is kinda declaring what I feel about my better half. The imagination of coming home to someone who cares about me every single day overwhelms me. The load of my work at the office is killing me these days, but coming home to K, cuddling in his arms, looking at his eyes, kissing his sweet lips... ohh gosh, I really want that, I do. It's like I can conquer everything. It's like I go home from war, bleeding, and then I am healed and ready to face another fight the next day.

Reaching that dream, we've been looking for an apartment. Not a big one, a small and cozy one is more than enough. K is so enthusiastic with this idea. He's the one who emails and calls every apartment seller in this town. It wasn't easy to find the one we want, but we keep trying.

I'm proud of K. He is willing to do everything he can to make our dreams come true. That is what we all need from someone we love, eh?

We are also now finding new jobs for us for a better income, so it would make us easier to find our new home. I am close to seal the deal with my new job, but anything can happen, so I keep my finger crossed and pray to God every day. May He grant what I, we wish for. My K is in the same process right now. Pray for us, would ya?

Dream, believe and make it happen! - Agnes Monica -

Oh I'm dreaming about a romance, slow dancing with you, 

when I got you in arms, I don't care what we do 

And I'll say hey, you'll say baby, how's ur day, 

I'll say crazy, but it's all gonna be alright 

You'll kiss my smile, I'll pull you closer, 

spend a while just getting to know ya, 

but it's gonna be all alright 

I'm loving you tonight 

Loving you tonight 

Every day is just the in-between, 

the hours separating you from me I know you'll be waiting, 

I know that you'll be waiting 

Our Wedding Deals

'Dup? Hope you are good!

You know what, it's been a month! And both of us forgot. LOL. Though none of us remembered, we had a great time yesterday. We went to gym and caught The Croods after. It was a great movie!!! Funny one. Really funny. My better half couldn't stop laughing. The thing was, you can call it coincidence, as I call it 'happen for reason', we did made our wedding deals.

The idea came from him, after he read Out Magazine. He asked me to make a list about what I wanted for our wedding day. He did the same too. Apparently we have similar idea. Here it is, Our Wedding Deals.

Pretty similar right? I really hope we make it to that day. 2 years from now, hopefully. Anyway, Happy 1st Month-versary, dear. Love you so much!

I Am Sorry

I am embarrassed to write this. But I have to, as a reminder how I have hurt my better half. I was so emotional and I forgot what he had done for me.

Today, March 15 is my birthday. We planned to have a dinner at Central Park around 8pm. But since he was busy with his religious matter, it was delayed. While I waited for him, I met my friends and had snacks as we chatted. Suddenly my better half called me, telling me that he's done with his thing and he was on his way to me. I replied with my not usual tone, since I was with my friend. I didn't realized that I was shouting or yelling to him.

When I called him back few minutes later, he sounded mad. I had no idea why since I didn't realized that I was shouting before. I tried to calm down. But I was upset. When I met him I asked him why. He said he didn't wanna argue. That made me more upset. I spoke to him which was then turn into shouting which again I didn't realize and I left him.

I was so mad and upset, wondering why and why. Then we fought over whatsapp. It was silly. I called him telling that I was mad. But then I went back to the restaurant while he was about to eat his dinner. The situation got no better after that.

We talked. I still felt that he didn't want to understand. And we talked. I was about to cry, but I told myself not to. We kept talking, then I realized I was wrong, I was so emotional. I didn't remember that he didn't like to be pushed when he was mad. I should give him time to calm down.

I was older, I should be wiser than he was. I said sorry. I apologized. And things got better after that.

After we finished our dinner, he gave me a Bonia watch. It was beautiful. He remembered every detail I liked in watch. My God. I was touched yet ashamed.

He also bought me a cake, a small one, but it wasn't about the cake, but it was all about how much he care about me.

Baby, I am sorry. I do apologize for things I've said and done. I should understand you more. I should control my emotion. I am sorry. I may not convince you when I say I love you, but I do. Help me to be a better man.

The Book is Better than Its Cover

Yesterday was chaos. Yesterday, I was fucked up. But I don't regret it. Everything happened for reasons. Because of yesterday, I know him more, I love him more.

Back to couple months ago, I would not expect my life would be like this. I had no idea I would fall for this guy. God seriously has sense of humor.

I knew K from my ex. We did not meet in person, my ex just told me about K, and his blog. Later that day, I read his writings, which led me to assumption that in so many ways, I knew I would never date someone like K. Someone who was very outspoken, pretty wild, had high lifestyle and, you know, had these bunch of high criteria of guy he'd date. I knew I would never meet his criteria, so yeah...

But here I am now, attached myself to so-called-never-imagined-to-be-with-guy.

Now. He is the one I want to talk to every single day. He is the one I want to miss every minute of my life. He is the one I want to walk the isle with. He is the one I want to say my wedding vow to. He is the one I want my kids call daddy. He is the one I want to spend every night with. He is the one I want to grow old with.

He amazingly understands me. He is willing to keep his head cool when I am mad. He is willing to keep his voice low when I yell at him. He somehow accepts me for who I am. What could I ask for more?

I am right when I thought he was outspoken and had high lifestyle. He is. But there's more to it about this man. He is the most sincere man I ever met in my life.

On my last post, I said he was not perfect. Well he kinda is. He is perfect for me. And I thank God every day for letting me be with him.

I love you K, a man whose heart is way bigger than his tummy.

Demanding Heart

Hey, guys! Wuddup?
It's been a week since my last post. I was sick this week. I got fever and cough. Hoh! I barely breathed. But I'm getting better now, thank God.

I wish I could write this in better situation. My week got worse because we had these stupid little arguments, and today's was the worst.

It just happen, not more than an hour ago. My better half got an interview for a new company this morning, and since he didn't want to go back to office after the interview, he went to gym near my office. Long story short, he asked me out for lunch. I, of course, said yes. I did have my lunch box, but I thought I could eat it later.

Couple minutes before lunch time, he texted me.
"Beb, why don't you eat your lunchbox? Sam asked me to meet him. May I go lunch with him? No hard feeling, Beb."
I was hurt. It was not because I was jealous, it felt like blindsided, I felt not good.
He made a deal with me, and he was gonna pick me for lunch date. Then he cancelled on me to go with another guy, and acted like he cared about my lunchbox. Later I knew he already said yes to Sam before he asked me. Then what was the point asking my permission?

I was mad. I was blindsided. It really hurt me. I confronted him and he wondered why I did so. He blamed me for being too sensitive and all. Gosh, maybe I was overreacted, but it did hurt.

I tried to explain what I felt to him. And then he apologized, and underlined that he didn't mean to. I forgave him no matter what. But the pain was still there.

You may be able to pull out nails you've hammered on a block of wood, but the hole will still be there, no matter how good you cover them.

I was spending another five minutes in my office toilet, crying. I'm a mushy, eh? I am. LoL.

Well, I am not a perfect person, nobody does. What I learn is he's not a perfect man either. He has flaws. And his flaws may hurt me once in a while. But with my demanding heart, I still love him. I love him for he is not ashamed admitting that he was wrong, I love him for who he is. And I know he loves me and he is committed to me.

It is not easy to say you love someone when you are really mad and hurt by them. But love is all about commitment eh? I won't give up because of this little fight. I just won't.

This post may make me cry again some other time, but this post also will remind me that in a relationship we may hurt each other, but that is part of the process. I always remember, - and wish him to remember too -, my better half's quote "It's not easy to be part of someone, but I'm never tired to try."

Living a Dream

Someone who read this blog, curiously asked me what happened when I picked my better half last Sunday. Like I said, I hugged him. I did. Long enough to make people around me wondering, what kind of hug that was. Not that I cared, I just assumed they wondered. LoL. No kissing, we saved it for later in that day. I wasn't ignorant enough to do it in public, not just yet. 

Okay, that's it.

Two nights ago, I was talking to my mom, then suddenly she asked me, "Son, what are you gonna do about your future?"

I gasped. "What do you mean?"

The conversation continued, she asked me whether I was gonna marry a girl or not. Apparently, as a parent, there was still hope, I could see in her eyes, that I would have a so-called-normal family one day.

I said, breaking it to her, that I didn't think I would have one. It was hard to kill her dream, but it wasn't the life I wanted. Then she told me that she understood. She would try to accept it, she said that she just wanted me to be happy. She accepted me for who I was, or at least, she was trying to. She also told me that she accepted my better half, she would not do anything that could harm my relationship with him. 

Then she asked me again what I would do about it. I said nothing about gay marriage, it might be too much for her, so I just told her that I wanted to be settled, with K. I told her that we planned to move to Bali, to own a house and to start a small business there. She encouraged me to have it sooner than I planned. WOW!.

Having those plan with K is amazing, but having my mom encourages me, it's more than wonderful.

"How about you Sis? Aren't you ashamed of who I am?" I asked my sister who happened to be in the same room.

"Should I be? As long as you are happy, as long as you are comfortable with who you really are, I'm with you," she said.

Double prize!!! What I could ask for more????

The real small starting plan is we would visit Bali in July, to look at the house. It is not big, but hey, I don't want a fancy one either, all I want is a cozy one where I start my family with K. Meanwhile, we are looking for better jobs with better income. Wish us luck, would ya? 

I live in my dream. I live it day by day. I am walking in it. I might be still far from it, but every long journey start with a single step, eh? If Clinton Bryan and Callum Mathieson, Josh Taylor and Edison Fan, Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka can make it, why can't I? And if I can make it someday, I believe the same thing is possible happen to you. 

I hope someday, I will look back and read this blog, while enjoying sunset and holding my husband's hand, at the back of our sweet little house in Ungasan.

Love?

I've always been intrigued with people talk about love, love and love but it seems no one talk about commitment. Some people fell in love, made a relationship, failed then blamed love, for because of love they felt betrayal, sadness, desperation and you name it.

Like I always say, contrary to what people mostly believe, love needs reason. Even parents love their children because they are their children. And true, when the reason is gone, love can simply fade away too. Love does fade away, love does wither. And it's normal. It's reasonable.

Then there comes commitment. When you decide to love, you make a commitment to love someone for who he really is, whoever he's gonna be (of course in a good way). So when your love fades away, when your love wither as time goes by, you remember, you are committed. Then you fight your feeling, you try hard to make it grow again. It doesn't matter how you grow it, as for me, I will always ask myself what I will be without him, what we've been through, what I miss if I'm not with him and any other good things that I have and I will go through with him.

I tell you this, if you give up when your love fades away, you will never grow. No matter who you are with, your love will always fade away. You can't blame love for it's withered. History will repeat itself when you are not committed. You can not wish a magical tremendous way to keep your love, you fight it.

You can say that it's scary to be committed to someone, well, you can't expect your partner to be committed to you when you aren't to him, right? Ain't it even scarier to trust yourself to someone without commitment? You can leave him anytime, while he also has the same right to do so (even when you are deeply in love with him, who cares anyway?).

I'm not saying you have to be bonded in a marriage or in a legally way. But at least, you teach your heart not to just love but to commit. There's no guarantee that your partner will be as committed as you are. But hey, again at least, you learn how to be an adult, a man who knows how to have a serious and grown-up relationship.

So, there's nothing to be proud of by saying 'Hey, I'm in love!', but be proud when you are able to say 'Listen, I'm committed."

What Means The Most

What means the most to me

Is waking up next to you

Feel the morning breeze

You're my favorite thing and I love

Coming home to your arms

When you kiss me hello

It's these simple things

That mean the most to me

This Caillat's song seems so extremely exaggerating. But the truth is, it isn't. It doesn't mean that anything else but waking-up-next-to-him is not important. It just shows us that whatever you face in this world, when you have someone to be there for you, you still feel strong. You have someone to come back to. You have someone to lean on.

In my relationship with K, I'm the well-organized, the neat, the tidy, the premeditated one, he's more outspoken, adventurous, and spontaneous. I'm more a thinker while he's the doer. I'm easily stressful and he acts cool or at-least try to act cool every now and then. 

He's not good in managing his financial problem, - well I'm not saying I am, but at least I'm better -, while I'm not good in controlling my emotion. I find it hard not to over think about something that means a lot for me. 

All I'm saying is he's there for me when with my weaknesses I feel the sky falls down on me. It always calm me down to hold his hands, to be in his arms, to put my head on his shoulder. And even just to look at his eyes. Because when I look into his eyes, I see my future.

I believe the feeling is mutual. I believe he needs me as well. Though somehow, I need him more than he does. And yes, he means the most to me. I pray everyday, so we can keep this love, this commitment. We've just started everything, it's been only a week or so, but hey, hope makes you live your life to its fullest, right?

Conquer The Yearning

I'm writing this at Soekarno Hatta Airport, waiting for my better half's flight to land. Yes, he's been abroad for 10 days, 10 hard days. Someone is sleeping beside me and he's snoring hard. LoL.

It was actually hard to be without him second day we were together. But today, as I write this, his plane has landed, gonna see him soon. Gosh, I miss him so much. Maybe you think I do exaggerate this, well I did exactly think the same way 11 days ago. Oh yeah, I am fine, totally fine.

The thing is two days ago, he was sick. He texted me that he felt so weak, he had fever and he barely walk. It made me helpless. It was the time when you know you absolutely willing to do something to ease your loved one's pain, but you couldn't. Because of those fucking distance between you both.

All I can do was pray and pray and tell him what medicine he should take. I am clearly not a doctor, but looking at the symptoms I know a thing or two.

Yet he was not an easy man to be told to. I asked him to eat, so he would get some more energy and it would help him to recover, but yeah he always had these reasons not to. It frustated me somehow. I got mad. I love him so much and getting sick is the last thing I want for him.

But thank God, he got better and better.

He will show anytime soon at the departure gate. I will hug him, I don't care what people are gonna think. See you then!!!!

My 1st Homemade Aglio e Olio

My better half is out of country. I had spent two weekends by myself, staying home. This evening, I really wanted a portion of Aglio e Olio, but I didn't wanna go to any Italian restaurant alone. So I tried to made it myself.

I googled the recipe and found some. Then I went to the nearest supermarket, to buy Olive Oil and Parsley.

It was simple and easy, and it went well. I like my homemade Aglio e Olio. It was good.

I'll share you the recipe (for 1 portion).

Ingredients:
100 g of spaghetti
1 tbsp olive oil
3 cloves of garlic
2 red chili padi
15 g parsley
2 g cube butter
salt

Instructions:
1. Boiled some salt into a pot of water.After it's boiled, put your spaghetti into it. Cook the pasta until 'al-dente' (still offfering resistance to the bite, but cooked through). Drain and set aside, reserving a small cup of pasta water.
2. Saute garlic in hot olive oil until it turns light golden brown and turn off the stove.
3. Add the cooked pasta, 1-2 tbsp reserve pasta water, chopped parsley, and cube butter to the garlic and olive oil mixture. Stir the coat all the ingredients evenly.

That's it! It won't take more than 30 minutes. Enjoy!

It Ain't Affection Carnival

Some people scorn on public display affection. Some others praise it. As it for me, I define it by their purpose doing it.  I try not to judge people who does it.

A man like my better half, likes to let the world know that he is in love and he is loved. He may feel good when someone put his arm around him or just hold his hand while walk in malls. But he doesn't do it for showing off. He does it because he is happy, he likes the feeling that his partner loves him without being ashamed that they are gay. (read it here)

I, again, am in the middle. I like to be intimate sometimes, even in public area. I will be fine with it as long as it won't affect me or my loved one. I mean, I definitely won't kiss him in a country which most of its people are homophobic, I could end up being killed or stoned. 

On New Year's eve, we practically didn't know what to do. As you know, like Valentine, I'm not a fan of this so-called-big-special-day of the year. We went to Porter House at Pantai Indah Kapuk, North Jakarta. Having a glass or two beers would be good, we thought. Arriving there, it was pretty crowded. But we managed to get seat, for four of us. 

It was only 10 days after we started everything, but clearly I was attracted to him. And I liked him to know that. Without too much thinking, I dared him.

"Let's kiss a minute before New Year, until a minute after. So we will kiss for a whole year," I said to him in the middle of playing cards.

"Serious? I'm okay with that but I don't think you have the guts," he smirked. 

"Let's see!"

An our later, people were counting down, we were standing, holding New Year's trumpets, getting ready blowing it. I moved my body towards him, and I kissed him 10 seconds before New Year, and kept kissing him until I didn't know when. It was good. I felt relieved somehow.

After that, a logical thought came out. What if there were people I knew among the crowd? I looked around and people didn't seem care for what we did. 

What I want to tell you is, it's okay to do some public display affection. Do it because you feel like to do it. Do it because you wanna show your loved one that you love him no matter what. Do it in the right time and right place, since we are not in a parade or carnival. You won't like people stare at you and disgusted by you. So others can feel it too, others can feel that you don't do it because you just wanna show off or you aren't well-mannered. And don't do it too much. Something that is too much is not good either. Happy PDA!!!