Thursday, June 27, 2013

(Never) Do This At Home

I was confuse. It hit me bad. Well I am okay. It has nothing to do with me directly, but it affects me.

This morning I was browsing my path when I saw my path friend's picture. He wished happiness for someone's wedding. And when I went deeper into that post, I found out that it was his boyfriend's wedding. With a girl. It stung me right away. 

I don't know them very well, but since he added me as a path friend, I saw their lovely pictures here and then. I thought they were sweet. And I never imagined that one of them would marry someone else, especially a girl, but still together after the wedding.

I didn't mind at all. It was their decision, and I believe there is an explainable reason that may never crossed my mind. I appreciate what they did, for their brave acts. And I wish them happiness as well.

But for me, at least in my thoughts and dreams, it won't work that way for it is against to what I believe in. Maybe I am too fuddy-duddy, but when it comes to tying knots of marriage, it is sacred. It is a one way trip where there's no turning back. And in a marriage, there will be no one else but the two persons who say "I do" to each other, vow to each other their lives.

I am writing this not to judge anyone. I am writing this to remind us that this thing does happen. That people may choose different ways to reach what they want. It happens in front of my eyes, not only in movies.

I may never be in their position, as well as my better half. We would never take that decision. But I do respect them. They are chasing their dreams. Our ways may be different to each other's, but what's wrong with being different? 

Lastly, are you guys ready to reach your dream? Are you brave enough to be different?

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Coming Out (Part 1)

One of my blog readers (oh my, I said reader with 'S'. Lol) asked me how I came out, how I struggled with it. Well, it intrigued me. Opening old pages seem a bit boring, eh? But maybe I could share some too. So here we go...

Coming out to family is the hardest. Believe me it is. Telling your mom about you being gay is hard, but the consequences after those moments will be killing you, at least until you have their blessing. 

9 years ago I was dumped, my ex boyfriend cheated on me. In my desperation, too naive and being guilty by being gay, I told my mom that I had made a mistake. I thought I could change myself to be 'normal' and my family could help me.

That time my mom and dad calmed me. They said that it was okay to make mistake. They said they loved me for whoever I was. But since then, it was never the same. My parents, especially my mom got easily paranoid if I hung out with my guy friends (no matter they were gays or not, well yeah most of the times they were).

I, in other hand, realized that being with guy is my 'normal' thing. Telling my mom that I was trying to be straight while I hid my meeting with guys. But I wasn't good in covering my tracks. Some of those times my mom would wrote me a long letter or called me at night to tell me that she was worried and she knew that I dated guys.

It was getting worse. Trying not to make my mom worry, I kept distance with my mom. I was alone. I felt uncomfort. It went for almost 9 years.

Then someday my mom asked me why I had been so far from her. I was on my way to office. It broke my heart. Then I told her at the phone that I was really gay, I couldn't be normal, that I wish I were. I was seeing someone and I wish my mom could accept me for who I was.

And she told me that she was willing to try to accept me. She asked me to bring my boyfriend (he is my ex now) home to be introduced to her. 

After that, it was getting easier. Convincing my dad and my sister was easier. Much easier.

I was relieved. I had waited for 9 years and I didn't see any light. 

My mom loves me. She never stops loving me. And I believed yours too. When you decide to come out, give her time. Don't be so hard on her. Accepting who you really are may be not that hard, but she has to embrace the world around her too. She has to be ready to face its reaction to the fact that her son is gay.

Before you come out of the closet, ask yourself what you want to be in the future. If you want to have a 'normal' family, I don't think you should come out. Because if you do so, you just bring your parents more burden to carry. 

People tend to forget that coming out is not about yourself, it is about your family too. It's not only about "this is me, this is who I really am", but it is also about accepting the reality that your family may not be ready for who you really are. 

Maybe you have spent your whole life hiding in a closet and you think you deserve an avowal for who you are. But your family, especially your parents also deserve the same thing. Believe me you won't be happy until you have your parents' blessing. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Leap of Faith

Have you guys watched Man of Steel? You should if you haven't. Well for me, it is the best superhero movie ever!!!!!! Lol.

But really, it is good. I like the storyline, i love the plot and i crave the quotes, especially this one:
"Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith first. The trust (or you can change with everything) part comes later."

It's true. I did it many times. It doesn't mean you don't have doubts when you do. The truth is you have. You have worries, you have doubts, you don't know what to do. All you rational thoughts confuse you. This is the time when you exactly have to trust your gut and go with it.

Like you know, and maybe like you have in mind, my decision to move in with my better half may sound too fast. I did have doubts at that time. I was worried things wouldn't go as we planned. But we did took a leap of faith. And in the end of the day, we trusted what we had, which was love and commitment.

When I watched Man of Steel, there was this problem I had with my better half. Indeed it was about trust. This movie reminded me that all I had to do is to take a leap of faith and the trust part will come later. It inspired me to do so. And that was what I did.

This leap-of-faith thing will give you hope. That's what the house of El believes. That's what I believe. Hope keeps you going. Keep going my friend. Keep going. You won't see your beautiful future if you stop and give up to your worries and doubts.

Again, you may not be ready for what's gonna happen. And you won't know what awaits you there. No guarantee it won't crush you. But ain't it worth it?

Friday, June 14, 2013

My Angel, Here on Earth

Time flies by. Really. It has been almost a month we have spent under one roof. For the first days, I somehow felt homesick. Well, it's my new home, but I missed my old one, where I had spent more than 11years there.

And yes, I missed my mom. Lol. I may sound like a spoiled brat. But I am really close to my mom. And not seeing her every day made me miss her. It felt weird to live in the same town but I couldn't see her every single day.

As you may know, my mom lives in Klaten, a small town where I spent my childhood. But since my sister went to Jakarta in 2004, my mom practically lives here too. It's like almost 6 months in a year she lives in Jakarta.

I dont't know but I think this is the same feeling I share with them who have left home to start a new family. Maybe this is what they feel. And I was sure I was gonna be fine. And I am.

Last week, my mom visited me. We had lunch together with my dad and my sister. When they were going home, my mom kissed me and whispered, "I feel that I lost you, Son. I miss you." My heart broke. I really wanted to cry. But I was trying so hard not to. I just smiled and hugged her. Then she continued, "Maybe it is because I am here. It will be okay if I'm in Klaten, you know, right?" I nodded, "Yes, maybe it is."

Last Saturday, my sister texted me telling me that my mom was sick. She could barely move because it was painful on her back. I thought it was because she was too tired. So I told her to rest. The next day, we went to the church together. We didn't have dinner because I had to go home and had dinner with my better half. I was going to watch a movie when my sister texted me again that she would take my mother to the hospital because she could not bare the pain.

I called her and my mom told me that she was okay that she just needed some painkillers. I tried to calm myself down. But when I told K about this, I didn't realize I cried. I. My worries had taken the best of me. I called her again and told her that I was going to the hospital too, but she said no. She convinced me that she was okay. I cried. I did cried. I guess I thought too far.

My K hugged me and told me that everything was gonna be just fine.

Half an hour later , I called my mom again. The doctor said that she was okay, she said. I was relieved. The next day, she went to a doctor again to make sure. And after some check-ups, it was found out that she had a minor calcification. But we should had no worry.

Thank God for keeping my mom healthy.

Mom, I love you so much. You are my angel.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

In God We Trust

I used my own money to buy my apartment. And I also used installments. And though I have moved to a new company and have raised salary, there were times when I felt that I didn't have enough money left for living.

The saving I have now is only enough for installment and basic living cost. I did calculate everything, and there would be another expenses because we planned to go to Thailand next August and to Hongkong next October. 

It stressed me out. I used not to thinking when I was going to go abroad. I did have savings for that. The option was we had to cancell our Thailand journey though we had bought the flight tickets.

If you asked my better half, there would be times I grumbled and grouched about our financial problems. He might be so tired hearing me squawking. Lol. As you know I worried a lot.

But God had been so good. In His time, He fulfilled what we needed. It didn't happen only once. And now I am relieved. It is not much. But it is enough. 

His blessing ain't only financial. He helped me through our bad times in magical ways. So, I'm quoting Americans, In God We Trust. 

It sounds like I wrote about Christianity, but what I really wanna write is about how good He is. God is universal. You can refer God as "a greater power". 

Another Step

Hellowwww! *with high enthusiasm*

How's life? It must be good, ain't it?

As it for me, it is! Overwhelming though. Living together with someone you love is more than words can explain.

My mom asked me to have a dinner celebration for I had moved in to my new place. We planned to invite some people who were close to us. But then it was canceled and there was only my mom, my dad, my sister and I who had a simple lunch in my apartment.

Later in the afternoon, when my family had gone home, my better half came home after attending his nephew's 1st bday party. He came with his mom. Then he asked me to go with him to Karawaci along with his mom. And he also invited my mom. I was a bit frightened actually. My mom and his mom had never met before.

Then I realized that his mom was also confused. She was afraid she wouldn't know what to talk when my mom was around. But the reality was, they talked like old friends. Lol. It wasn't awkward at all, yeah maybe a little at the beginning.

I am thankful for this. I am thankful we have made this far. The furthest relationship I have ever had with a guy.

We have stepped another step forward. And may it lead to what we have been dreaming of. Having a family of our own. We keep dreaming. We keep making it real.

Today, I have a new dream, but I won't tell you guys. I hope it will make you curious. The clue is "having a family". Catcha later!!!