Tuesday, September 23, 2014

When They Doubt You

I wrote this poem in Indonesian couple years back. I wrote this based on what I felt at that moment. In this world, sometimes we believe in something beautiful that people may not understand. People doesn't believe in us, especially in our kind of love.

Phil Collins's song, You'll Be In My Heart may describes better, that people may not understand what we feel, they may not trust what they can't explain, we may different, but deep inside us, we are not different at all.

It's on us to make them see, to make them realize that we love as they love. So here it is.

They Ask   

They ask if there're tears
or it's just a fracturing smile that inspires desire
A lysed dream may never reach the stars
But the heave of this symphony are timeless

They ask if there's laughter
or it's just an eternal sore wound
A beam of hope may not carve aeon
But this faith sends away our loneliness

They ask if certainty will come
or love will fade away bitten by time?
A stanza may not satisfy them
But this love ain't merely vain

They ask, we leap our dreams and tone
They ask, we carve faith and hope
They ask, we weave love and stories
In the end of the time, they will ask
'Can we be like them?'

It's Your Choice

I believe that love is deeper than physical look. It looks into someone's heart. It reaches inside.

But physical appearance is somehow important, moreover on your first meeting with someone you like. Come on, people won't see your heart on their first glance. They won't understand your goodness on the first time they see you. They see what you provide them to see. They see what is in front of them. And undeniably, they judge you, even in the smallest scale of judgment.

When you like someone, you'll hope for the second meeting, the third meeting, and so on. So you have to make a good impression on the first one. Some people will give you a second chance, or maybe when you are lucky, a third chance, but it's not on you, it's on them. What you can do, what is in your control, is make them impressed by you. Having a good talk will do, a good laugh will do. But again, it's not the very first impression. What's the first then? Of course, your appearance.

It's like food plating, you make a good presentation of food so people will eager to taste it. You won't even try a good food when it's not well presented. Food plating is about how you stimulate one's appetite.

The concept is the same. You are the food. You present yourself in a good way so people are attracted to get to know you better, so they are stimulated more to try digging you deeper.

You can't expect people to see you again when you are smelly on the first meeting, or you wear your two-sized-bigger-yesterday-t-shirt or your worn-out shoes. You can't blame them by quoting "don't judge the book by its cover". It's our nature to judge, and it's your choice to determine the way you'll be judged.  

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Born This Way

I always believe that I was born this way. I was born with narrow eyes. I was born Chinese. I was born with straight yet wavy hair. I was born gay.

It is my understanding. Again, it is what I believe. But apparently not for some people, especially on this sexual matter.

"I think it's a choice. Everyone is potentially homosexual. And you have the power to choose. It's fine with me, because every one has his right to choose, like you choose your religion. You were not born Christian, nor Moslem. Your family were Christian, and you grew Christian, but you can always choose to be Moslem or Buddhis or even Atheis."

"It's only a trend. Once you'll realize that you choose the wrong path. And you will be straight again."

If you had the time to read "Why Puberty" that were withdrawn from bookstores, you would see that it was stated that we choose our sexuality. It said that we had to respect each other's choice.

Well, it's contradictory to what I believe. I was sad when I heard those statements. It was like I was not understood. They may not understand that we'd fought ourselves, to be someone else, to be someone we are not. They don't understand the distress of accepting self. But then I realized that it was not the point. Well, I am not saying that educate people that homosexuality is not a choice is not important. It's just maybe it is not the time, yet. It's a step that we should take later on.

Though it is the same, that we were born both gay and white, it's easier to understand that our skin color is not a choice. We have to advise that it is not easy to grasp. Gay movement is stronger nowadays, so people might think that it is today's trend. But at least, they understand our 'choice'.     

Today, we should be thankful that, at the very least, they are willing to accept us, to hug us as human beings, to treat us like they treat others. It's already a progress. 


Coming Out (Part 2)

Been more than a year since I wrote this Coming Out (Part 1), and I never had a chance (or willingness) to write the second part.

Like I said, coming out for me is not only about myself. It's also about my family. I also said that they deserved the truth. But, will the truth make their life harder?

Sometimes I think that I am selfish, coming out to my family. It's like I demand them to embrace my being gay, without thinking how it will affect their lives. Honestly I had never given it a thought before I came out, until someone was approaching my sister. He was nice and okay. But we never knew whether he would be okay with who I am. Well, my sister will have her own family, and it is important, at least for her, that her future husband accepts me. It is a burden somehow for her, I think, finding a nice guy ain't easy, let alone finding a right partner that can accept his brother for who he really is.

Maybe I over think. When I asked my sister about it, she said that as long as I was okay, she would be okay. She said that she felt fine having a gay brother, that it wouldn't affect her life as much as I thought.

I don't know what future brings. I am sorry that I've made her life a bit harder. I just can wish that whoever her partner is, he has a big heart and an open mind.

I am not trying to scare you guys. What I am trying to say is there will be consequences. Consequences that not only you, but the members of your family, perhaps, will carry for the rest of your and their lives when you decide to come out.

The question is, "is it worth?"

In my case, I didn't know those consequences. But if I were given a chance to turn back time, I would just do the same. This guilty feeling of mine will always be there. It was bad at the beginning, but it will just fade away as life goes, as my sister's love life turn to be just fine, hopefully.