Blabbering

It's been a while I know. I was too busy doing things (yeah, right!)

The truth is, I don't know what to write, I can't write. I need more than 10 minutes writing this two lines. I closed my Safari tab, opened Instagram, .... oh gosh... even to continue this sentence, I have no idea. 

Then it got me thinking, maybe I just don't love writing. It won't come to me. Those f*cking ideas won't come to me.

Should I try harder? Or this is just not my cup of tea? But why did I write often back then?

Hmm....

Okay, let's try.
What do you wanna know?
K? K is fine. He's travelling abroad. Another business trip. To Istanbul. While I am sitting here, on my hard chair at the office, trying to write some sense. I sound pathetic, eh? LOL.

On a serious note, I'm thankful for what I have right now, for what and who I am right now. Relationship wise, it's been a lovely 5 years. On our fourth year, we dealt with something really serious. It didn't only involve tears, but also heartbreaks (yes, heartbreaks, plural, if I can count it). But it's in the past. We are good now, really good, I can even say we are better.

Feeling wise, though I am in much better condition, I am not on my best. Let's just say I've been better. Am I happy? Yes, for sure, most of the times, when I am thankful, like right now. I can't really wipe those off, you know. Yet. Sometimes I'm getting really paranoid, asking too much questions, overthinking everything. And in those times, K comes to the rescue. He will pull me in his arms, saying that everything's gonna be just fine. I think he does a lot of effort for the sake of our relationship. See, we are in better relationship.

Wow.
Do I bore you?

So much for someone to look up to, eh? We are not those perfect couples afterall. What you saw were only our best versions. (Do I sound bitter? Am trying not to for I am not.)

How about the future?
I am mending my heart now (it's almost done, lol). And yes, I still believe in us. I wanna marry him someday. I still want a son (and/or a daughter), to be raised together. Hopefully, next year (or sooner), we will have a new business. Crossing fingers.

At this point, I am sure I bore you to death.
So I should stop now.
Do you wish you see more writings from me soon? That makes both of us. 

Cheers,
H

Segen and Boden - Part 4 (The End)

Segen

I arrived at home seeing Boden sitting in the living room. His eyes were empty looking down the floor.

"I don't deserve this." I burst.

"You don't. I am sorry."



Boden

"Why did you do that? Why Boe? I asked you not to lie to me anymore. But you kept lying. You were even furious at me when I asked you for the truth. You said you loved me but you didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Why Boe? I don't need your sorry. I need you to tell me why. I did everything I could to make you feel more comfortable. I changed a lot for you. I don't deserve this. Why?

"I'm sorry."

"You brought him here, my home, our home. You had sex with him on our bed. You told him that you wanted to be with him. You'd leave me for him."

"I'm sorry. I am ashamed. I think it's best for me to be alone."

...

It broke me hard seeing Segen bursted into tears. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I didn't tell him the truth because I didn't want to hurt him more. But I did by doing so.

I knew that was the end. Segen would never forgive me for what I'd done. That was sucks because I loved him more after all of this. I wanted to be with him. But I knew I had no right to ask that.

...

"That's what you want?" Segen asked me.

"I don't know."

"Do you want me?"

"No." Of course I wanted him, I just couldn't see him getting hurt by a monster like me.

"So you wanna be with Offen?"

"Of course not. I love you." The truth.

"Bullshit."

"Do you still love me?"

"Really? Why am I still here then? I want you to want me. I love you no matter what. And I feel stupid for that."

"I want you."

"You said you don't."

"I lied. Again. I'm sorry."

"I want you too."



Segen

"Do you think I'm stupid?" I asked Boden that night.

"No. I think you are someone with a big heart. I didn't think I deserved you, I didn't think you would still love me."

"I love you."

"I love you even more." 

"Promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Say that more often from now on."

"I promise."


Boden

It was a happy ending, don't you think? 
I was blessed. But I hadn't told Segen that my office partners never asked me to go out of town that weekend. I went so I could spend that weekend with Offen. Should I tell him? Will it break him, again?

Segen and Boden - Part 3

Boden

"Should I end this?"
This question haunted me for days. Seeing Segen like that was a torture for me. I knew deep in my heart, I loved him. But I still wanted more from Offen.

"Can you let me have sex with Offen? Just sex?" 
"Why?" asked Segen.
"Because I want to experience those things, those BDSMs, dominate people."

Silence.
"I can't do it to you. You are important to me."
"I can learn."
"But I don't want you to learn. I don't have the heart to quote-unquote torture you."
And he broke into tears.

...

I realized how broken Segen was those days. I knew he had sleepless night. I curled with him, hugged him every night. But my mind still wandered. To Offen.

I decided to end the relationship with Offen. Segen, afterall, was more real to me. We had everything. I was sorry for Offen, but I had to do it. 

...

We had a big fight. Offen and I. 


Segen

I didn't want to rush my decision. I was broken. I broke into tears many times since that day. But I still wanted Boden. He was my life.

I wanted to start over. 

...

I managed to be okay in two weeks. Boden said it was over, he and Offen. It was a beautiful Monday. I started it with smile for Boden kissed me in the morning, which he rarely did. It was the most beautiful Monday, until I saw "Offen" on Boden's phone.

I was furious. I wondered why he couldn't leave us alone.

I texted him, for the first time, told us to leave us and to move on.

Then Offen called me. Telling me everything. 

And I was broken. For the third time in 2 months. I got my hopes up then Boden slammed it down, again and again, with his lies. 

I sensed happiness when he told me that Boden telling him that he would leave me for him. He was so proud that he had sex with Boden, many times. He told me everything as if it was okay to do that with partnered person. I was about to think that he had no remorse for what he did before he apologized. 

But his apology didn't make me any better.

He wished that I would be okay. As if it was sweet.

I was furious. To Boden. To Offen. To myself. I was a fool for more than once.
Was that love? Would I be whole again?

Segen and Boden - Part 2

Boden

I wanted it more.

I craved for more.

The sex, the power, the domination. More.

I didn't get it with Segen. It was another cold sex with him. Indifferent, unexcited, dull, frigid. Sometimes it was okay, but still unpassionate. And I couldn't stand the boredom. I knew he tried hard after I told him I wanted to end this, but I didn't think that was enough. I wanted something more. I wanted Offen.

I told Segen that my office partners asked me to go with them for the weekend out of town, Offen's town.  He wasn't happy as always. But I wanted to go. The hell with him.

...

"I want you, Boe" said Offen, after, again, a superb sex.

"How much?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Would you leave your wife?"

"I don't know, would you?"

...

My relationship got better with Segen, I was touched with his willingness to change. But my relationship with Offen also grew. I felt guilty. To both of them. I didn't tell Offen that I wasn't married. I wanted out. But this power overcame my sanity, I guessed.

...

Segen was out of town on June, I invited Offen to our house.

"You are not married?"

"No. I am in relationship with him," I pointed my picture with Segen on the living room.

"How long?"

"4 years, I think."

"Okay."

Silence.

"I will leave him for you." I didn't know why I said that. "I will tell the whole world that you are mine."

"Stop it," Offen kissed me. 

"I don't feel the same when I'm with him," I mumbled in his lips.

I asked myself what I had done. I was confused, but I just couldn't let go. 

Segen

"Did you go with someone for dinner?" I asked Boden that Thursday. I was out of town for 4 days.

"No, I went alone, why?"

"Nothing. You just sent me the bill, and it was recorded for two paxs."

"Oh, no, I went alone. I didn't know 'bout that."

...

"I finished all the ice cream! Was so good."

"The whole pint? In one day? By yourself?" 

...

I was suspicous with what Boden did that weekend. I asked him all the details and he got mad. I thought I was too paranoid.

Other than that, I felt better everyday. I felt that Boden loved me more. My hope got restored, that I could be with him for the rest of my life. My love for him grew. As I told you, it was a wake up call for me.

Boden had to go again for another weekend in the middle of June. I wanted to come, but he said that he would share the room with his office partner. So I stayed home. I spent my weekend browsing for our next vacation. It would be a refreshing for us. We both needed it.

...

It was July 3rd. My stomach was upset after our trip. I was on my way to get medicine when Boden's phone beeped. "Who texted him this late?"

Curious, I looked at his phone. 

"I love you". 

Offen. 

My heart beat fast. My hands trembled. I recognized the name. I once asked Boden who this guy was, and he said he was a friend of a friend that he met when he was out of town. I was scared.

I woke Boden up. My stomach got worse, but my heart felt even worse. I asked him the truth, I asked him what had happened so this Offen guy said those words.

"It was just a fling, we only texted once a while. And yes we flirt now and then. I am sorry. I shouldn't do that to you."

"You didn't see him? You guys only text?"

"Yes."

"But still you cheated."

"I know. I'm sorry."

I cried again that night. And the next night. It was like what I did was useless. Boden hugged me, told me that he was sorry, that he wanted to be with me. But I was too broken. Even it was just text, even Boden told me that they never had sex. But it broke me, still.

Segen and Boden - Part 1

BODEN

I hated when he was cranky. He criticized everything I did. He would annoyingly complain on how unclean I was in washing dishes, how untidy I arranged those plates, how I left everything for having my me-time with my instagram. I guessed he didn't know how I loved to see those bodies in Instagram. Segen? Other than his round tummy, he had nothing to be proud of.

It's been 4 years now. Yesterday was our anniversary, which of course I forgot. He pretended that he was okay, while I knew he wasn't. My mind was on something else, er, someone else. I once loved Segen. I didn't know if I still did. It had been a tiring relationship. We fought a lot, often for simple things. I met Offen last year, on gay apps, which I never met. We flirted here and there, but since it was going nowhere, I didn't text him anymore. Until yesterday. He said he was visiting my town the day after, and he wanted to meet me, and to have sex with me.

...

It was couple days after Christmas. I drove north, to meet someone, to satisfy my appetite. I told Segen that I would be a bit late since traffic was really bad. I always had this fantasy, to be a master in sex, to have slave on my own. I could never do that to Segen, he was not that kind of guy, that he always wants to have romance in sex. The hell, I'd been doing that for 3 fucking years. 

Anyway, it was a quick sex. I told him, the other guy, I hardly remembered, that it was one time thing. I drove back to pick up Segen, and it was just like the other night.

...

Segen was asleep when I was getting ready for my morning run. When I was on my way out he shouted, "Have fun!" I replied, "Thanks, I will". He didn't know that I would be, of course in a different way he could imagined, of course it was one time thing, again.

...

"Hi!"
"Come in. Good to see you," a tiny guy welcomed me at his hotel door.
"Are you drunk?" I kinda smelled alcohol.
"Kinda, do you mind?" and he kissed me.

I spent another hour trying to have sex, but he was too drunk to do that.

"Come back tomorrow, I'll spend another night."

...

Yes, long story short, we had sex the day after. It was super good. I dominated him. I enslaved him, sexually. It will be too much if I blabber everything here, LOL. And he did everyting I asked him to do. I loved this power I had over him. It was one time thing, until....


SEGEN

"Can you be nice to me? And not being mad at me over and over?"
"I can, but..." I wondered why he asked me this repeatedly, I told him many times, it was like he didn't listen, "I was mad for reasons..."
"I know," Boden replied, "but that's who I am."

This conversation happened on daily basis. Boden complained on how often I got mad on silly things, while I was being defensive for I did because of what he did. It was like never ending fights.

I was not comfortable with this relationship. I was angry everytime. Not sad, but angry. I didn't know why I stayed, maybe just because I didn't want to be alone.

We barely had sex anymore. And if we did, it was never good, not as good as it was before.

I was tired, physically and mentally. I wasn't happy. And I tried to be until that day. That day, some day in May, Boden said that he wanted to end this relationship. That he wanted to be alone, that he dreamt to be alone.

We discussed to split the money, the house and everything we owned together. It was fine at first for I thought I wanted that too.

The reality kicked in an hour later. The fact that I was single hit me hard. That was the moment that I knew I still loved him. I cried. Hard I guessed. Boden hugged me tight, he told me that he hated seeing me like that. He said he changed his mind, he wanted to be with me, he would try harder to keep this relationship. 

It was a wake up call to me. I started to see things differently, I started to change my behaviour, I tried to manage my anger. It was actually good. I was happier. And our relationship was getting better, or at least that was what I thought.

Are You Afraid?

It’s been a while that K wanted to curl his hair, but his hair is not long enough and he has his doubt for his office mates are those conservatives ones. 

About 4 or 5 months ago, I decided to curl my hair. I gave it a lot of thought for it would be a big change. And finally I did it. I was not confident about how I looked at the first days. Some friends made joke about my curly hair. Some of the jokes were harsh, even for me. I try not to listen, but I kept listening to their words and I laughed with them, pretending that I enjoyed all of the “funny” words, while doubting myself at the same time.

“You look like my auntie! LOL.”

“Those hair is messy. Were you just hit by a truck? Bahahahaha.”

“Have you combed your hair?”

“Is that pubes? ROFL.”

“Do you call that style?"

The mock didn’t stop. I heard it everywhere I went. People who had known me always had something to say, which mostly were not nice, about it or made fun of it. Sometimes I wanted to defend myself, for those who said harsh words usually had that Andy-Lau-looks, if you know what I mean.

I still hear those jokes now and then, I still hear how people say bad things toward my hair. The difference is I don’t listen to those anymore.

The thing is, we can’t please anybody. And it should not stop us for being who we are or doing what we like to do, as long as it doesn’t harm others. 

People tend not to accept what they don’t understand or what’s new to them, and it’s not our job to make them understand. It is their homework to adapt for change. You should not let people dictate how you look, how you dress, how you live your life, how you love nor be bothered of what they say about it. They will always judge, they will always laugh because of our differences, but we are not them, we don’t live their lives as they don’t live ours. 

So as I told K that Saturday morning, “If you are afraid of what people might say about you, you’ll never be who you really are.”

Words Terrorist

Hey!

How are you guys? Hope everything’s going well for all of you.

Been 18 days since new year, eh? New resolution, new spirit, new boyfriend? Hahahaha….

Looking back to 2015, I realised I was edgy, uneasy, tense, and critical. I was easily annoyed with what others did that crossed my path. I was agitated when people did the opposite of how I enjoyed this life.

I used to believe that I voiced my thought, of what I believed was the truth. I criticised others and might hurt someone in the process. I thought it was for a greater good. I was too proud to admit though it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t always good, that it didn’t always end well. Like I said, people might get hurt in the process.

With my sharp words, I tried to change what people believed. I didn’t respect their paradigms for I thought mine was better. Aside from right or wrong, for it is very subjective, every and each person has his right to own way of life. And I forgot that. I took cover behind the ‘for a greater good’ cause. The question is, whose greater good?

 

Putting it this way, I really sound like those terrorists, eh? 

And it is true. I wasn’t that different from them. I hurt people to make them believe what I believe. Not with bombs nor guns, but with my sentences. 

So yes, it is one of my resolution this year. I will keep voicing my version of truth, I will keep speaking my mind with a little change on how I do it. I have to respect that others also has their own paradigms, that they believe it to their bones. 

A fresh start then…. 

Happy Belated New Year!