So Called Confusion

"Galau" is one of the most trending word these days. I went to Google translate, it translated "galau" to "confusion". It ain't exactly perfect. But yeah, "galau" is confusion, a state of mind where people think they don't know what to do, especially in love matters.

I hardly spend a day without reading "galau" in my Path. Most of the "galau" posts are about finding Mr. Right. They are about break-ups, rejections, hanging-hopes, and so on. Love matters.

For most gays, we look for our soulmate via those dating-apps. We say 'hi' to many of those good-looking ones (or anyone matches our criteria). We talk to them. Then we meet them. Sometimes it ends on bed, sometimes it continues to second date but ends in the process, and sometimes it just really ends after first meeting.

When it ends, we grieve, we have "galau" mood, then we try again to find another man in those apps, or maybe through friends. But the cycle remains the same.

There's a guy I know, every time he went to me through Whatsapps, he would ask, "Hey, would you introduce me to a guy?" At first I tried to hook him up, but then after couple times, it got me laugh my head-off. It was so absurd because he didn't only ask me, but also asked my friends. It was just so pathetic.


We try so hard, even too hard. We don't realize we don't give ourselves a little break. We hardly breath. There isn't one moment we spend without thinking about boys, about our future partners. We forget to enjoy our lives.

Is it about happiness? Maybe we think that we will be happy if we have someone on our side. We envy them who have boyfriends, because they seem so happy together. Having a relationship isn't about being happy, it is about sharing our happiness. And trust me, you won't be happy in a relationship if you are not happy when you are single. How can you bring happiness into a relationship if you are not happy with yourself?


I am not saying that we should stop trying or looking for our right ones. I am saying we may  need to stop for a while, to enjoy our lives, to cherish our times without thinking about men (or sex even). There's so much more our lives offer than just having a relationship.


If you are 27-ish or even younger, I think it would be nicer if you use the chance to explore what you love most first. Do what you like, find your passion, work your ass off, be success. It's not that when you are partnered you can't do those things, but when you are, your chance will be limited. There will be one or two things you should sacrifice for the sake of your relationship. There will be so much time for relationship later, when you grow maturer. 

Vicious Circle

These days I feel mad. I am frustrated. And above all, I am tired.

You know, I love sharing. I love hearing people talk to me. It enriches me. When they do, I empathize with them. I listen hard. 

When they ask what to do, I offer solution, I offer a way out. I share my paradigm. I share my opinion. I put real effort to do so.


But then, people tend to follow their own gut. They don't think straight, they do what they shouldn't do and their problems get bigger than ever or sometimes history just repeats itself.

I know I am not in their shoes, I can't see through their glasses. I know what they do may be the best they can do. But when they come to me with, again tears or grievance, it exhausts me. I don't want to be the one who tell them, "I told you so," over and over again.

It's not once, it ain't twice. It's thousand times. And it happens to people dearest to me.

I am tired, I am fed up. It drains my energy. So I am being cynical, or even sarcastic and harsh. Then they feel offended, and they stay away from me. A friend told me that this world was full of people like that, they were not ready to hear the ugly truth, they wanted to be "comforted" in different ways.

Again, I love sharing. But it will be great if they are willing to step forward and to deal with their problems, instead of wanting to be listened to all the time over the same case again and again.

I guess, it's my vicious circle. Should I less care?



PS. K, I think it would be nice to have a vacation, on a remote island, just you and me. *wink*

Stepping Up My Game

“You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.”
― Shannon L. Alder


Your grammar sucks.
I recommend you to take English class before writing a blog.
*STRONGLY recommend

I was shocked when I read this yesterday. I just sit and stared at my phone. Someone wrote me that on my Jack'd. I took a deep breath and replied," Haha.Thank you. Much appreciated."

I know for sure that my English is not perfect, far from perfect. But I never thought that it was that bad so I should take an English class. I questioned my English, "Is it really that bad?". So I went to some of my friends, my blog readers, showed that message and waited for their reactions.

- Not that bad tho'. Your English is improving post by post. 
- Who was that? So rude.
- Hey, come on, I think J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter was perfect because of the editor's hand. Your English is quite good. Please keep writing.
- I like your blog, no matter what.
- It's a blog. You're not writing the next great English classic literature. Don't let the heartless idiot bother you. He's just seeking for your attention. Maybe a secret admirer. :)
- No. I think you're even extremely good.
- Oh, I don't think it's that bad. I say ignore lol.
- I think he said it for himself. You speak English well.
- I can't say it is perfect, but above average already.  He is over reacting. Heck with him.
- Ignore him, but your reply is excellent. I love it, spread love not war. It's not excellent but it's pretty good.
- You really need to know, it wasn't constructive critic. And some people like to use that just to make them feel better about themselves.

They did make me feel better. But hey it's me, the one who overthinks. LOL. So I took a moment to think. Well, scratch 'moment', I did take 'some' time. And I came to a conclusion.

I am climbing to the top. And on my way there will be not only friends or readers who love what I write, but there will be also harsh-critics and maybe haters. All I have to do is keep writing for I love writing, and of course I will try as hard as I can to improve my English. I am stepping up my game.

I consider that so-called heartless comment as a monument, my stepping stone for it doesn't stop me from writing (I even write about this, LOL), hence I will write better and I will write more.

So, I guess it's a 'Thank You' then. For you all. 

... and let me wait for my greatest opposition, for my biggest miracle is coming...

Freedom of Speech

I was discussing about one of many posts on my path with a friend.
Me : Do you see his post? It's somehow annoys me. How he sees himself by saying things like that is overrated.
Him : Yeah, but he's free to say what he thinks, isn't he?


I know it's a free country. Everyone has his freedom to say, to have an opinion toward anything. But we talk to someone about someone's else opinion because we want to know his state of mind, we want to explore it together, we want to asses our own opinion, or we just want to simply talk.


It's sad to get that response from someone whom you talk to. 

I, personally, say that often and I just realize by saying that, I stop the conversation. It is like saying "I am not interested, I don't care." It's like holding others tongue.

Today I was reminded, that what I did may offend someone else. I was reminded that it wasn't okay to say such things. By saying "he has freedom of speech", I stop someone else from expressing his point of view. Ironic, huh?

Remember, having an opposite opinion is totally different with shutting someone up.

You Deserve Better

I hold no grudge whatsoever to any gay who will marry a girl someday. I wish you all happiness. This conversation is posted to remind other gays who choose the 'other' side, to take care of your heart, when something like this happen. You deserve happiness and certainty, no matter how lonely you may feel. Take a leap of faith, that the right man is there, dreaming the same dream with you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

08:56 Morning mate

08:59 Morning

09:00 Are you working at P?

09:00 I have a friend from P here hahaha...

09:01 Yeah. What's his name?

09:02 DS. You know him?

09:02 No. But I may recognize him when I see him.

09:05 A bit serious topic, what’s your point of view of someone who does this gay lifestyle, and still decide to marry afterwards, H? You know, have a "normal" family with wife and kids.

09:06 First of all, gay is not a lifestyle. It offends me personally lol. Well, it's personal choice I guess. He has his reason to have a normal family. Will he be happy? No one know. He may. I can’t judge him for what he believe.

09:08 Hmmm. He insisted it to be an alternative lifestyle. He thought it was just a fun way, while single. Yeah, i guess so, we can’t judge someone by his choice.

09:08 I think he is delusional or he is in denial phase. Lol. It’s not about choosing to be gay or not. It's a choice on how you will live your life, to be true to yourself.

09:09 But what if he decide to hook up with me? I honestly feel confused when I listened to his story. He seemed nice, conversation was going well. Until it slipped from his tongue. Ehm.... maybe because I dont feel anything about a girl, I mean I always like guys since I could remember, it surely makes me wonder, sooooo really? You want to be in a relationship, but then decide to marry a woman someday?

09:13 U know the consequences. I mean if i were u, I wouldn’t even start.

09:14 Yeah, i try to deny things too, I think, naively, he would realized that he was gay, and this thought of marrying woman would be gone. But it felt like I was fooling myself.

09:14 U can’t expect that. Seriously. It's, sorry, kinda stupid.

09:14 You don’t have to feel sorry every time you speak your minds, H.

09:14 You did read my blog, eh? What united K and I was our dream. Our same goal.

09:15 Yes. About bali, about marrying, about having kid(s)?

09:15 Yeah, about growing old together. Well, we never know how long we could stay together, be together. But at least, we have something to hold while things get rough. While, in your case, I am not so sure. U will have this relationship while you are looking over your shoulder every now and then. It ain’t healthy. Clearly you are not his priority, and when the time comes, will u be ready? Will u have enough of him?

09:18 Me myself think, hm... how come we walk together if we don’t have same destination?

09:18 Maybe you do, maybe you have the same partial destination. But it sounds silly to put give heart to someone who will leave you eventually. Again, relationship starts with feelings. But remember, what makes it last is commitment.

09:19 Oh my! I couldn’t imagine that H! Yeah.. :(. We remain just friend now. But yaaaaaa you know, you think over and over, did you make a right decision?

09:20 For not having a relationship with this guy? It's the best decision!

09:22 I mean, i try to convince myself, he is still confuse and maybe you can help him. But on the other side, GOD! What are you thinking, into changing someone??

09:22 Yeah. It happens. It happens when your feelings take over your mind. Hahahaha… U have feeling for this guy, dont u?

09:23 Yeah I think so H, thanks... you make feel a little bit better...

09:23 You want it to be true.

09:24 Phew! Sometimes I hate when the heart takes over my head, it rarely happens, but when it happens, the feeling really intense and disturb me -_-

09:26 It's understandable i guess. It's always nice to know someone wants us

09:27 Yeah hahahaha.... it surely boost the confidence!

09:28 But you don’t want a temporary relationship, do you?

09:32 Nope H, I don’t. As old fashioned as I was, (and I really know in our world, we never know how long we could be together), yes I always look for this right man to walk together. I don’t want temporary things, for fun things, anything that could distract me just for a while. He told me, he broke with his last bf because, he still likes to play (I didnt ask what exactly the “play” was, but I understand now I guess)

09:42 See!!!! And you wanted him! Are u out of ur mind!????!?? He might use the same reason when he is with u. And if this guy is who I think he is, you are just too naïve.

09:45 Hahahahahahahaha.... yeah H :( I guess the mind didn’t work back then. Lucky me, I’m not spontaneous person, so i have time to think over. GOSH! What happened with me! Phew... here i am, 29 years old, almost blindsided by love...

09:53 You are sure it was love?

09:53 Hahahaha! You know how to use words for sure! Maybe it’s just lust?!

09:58 I dont know. Maybe it's just loneliness.

10:00 Hm.... it get more and more pathetic hahahaha...

10:02 Sorry, lol.

10:04 Hahaha... it’s ok. Anyway thanks for sharing your opinion, it makes me feel better.

10:06 Really? I didn’t make u feel worse? I am known as cynical person.

10:29 Nope, I always apreciate an honest person. They are harder to find Although sugar coated words is good to hear, sometimes hard truth is something you need.

10:32 Hahaha. Okay then

10:36 Hahaha... have a nice day mate!

10:47 U too

It Just Makes Us Human

I wasn't gonna write about this actually. It was embarrassing at some point, but it would be fair if I don't only share you the good things about our relationship, but also the bad ones.

***

It was a usual Monday. I and K was going to have our dinner when one of our conversation became a fight. It was big one. It was the biggest fight I ever had. I kinda packed my bag, and left home trying to clear my head. And it made K upset for what I did. 


***

Yesterday, my friend H, asked me how I was doing. He didn't know about the fight. But when I told him, he expected us to be just fine. He said that we were so in love with each other and that we could be role model for many. Though it put grin on my face, I realized that it was a heavy burden. I was hoping that he just exaggerated it, but then he stated that the fact that we lived together was one big plus point. That was why he looked at us as his role models.

Today, my another friend L, he said that he was upset finding out that we had a fight. He said that we were his, again, role models, that we were the living examples for people like us, so it wasn't okay to have a fight.

Well, I am happy that my life story, our love stories inspire people. I am glad that my readers, my friends, want to have a settled-home with their partners, like I do. But, role models? Ah... that's too much.

It is both appreciation and burden, I guess. Fiuh. But guys, know this. Our lives aren't perfect. It's not a heaven-like when you stay together with your partner. It is not a fairy-tales. It is a dream come true for us, but it is not just that. There are tears, smiles, shouts, or even heart-breaks. And yes, sometimes we fight, like that night.

***

Couple hours later, I headed home. We talked and managed to solve it. We knew how much love we had for each other. And the night ended with us sleeping in each other's arms.


***

I and K are happily together. We love each other and we have so many plans together. And when we do make mistakes, it just makes us human. Not that I want to hide behind humanity, but to let you know that our relationship is not always about happiness.

In the end, thank you guys for being inspired, thank you for letting you moved by our stories. And thank you for willing to learn from our mistakes. 

Coming Out Again

Yesterday I got a shocking news about my friends. They got a really big problem in their small family. Long story short, Iistened to the wife's story. I won't tell you what the problem is, it is not my liberty to say. What I am telling you is in our conversation, I came out to her. It was my 5th coming out to a friend.

"Is your partner a male?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just a guess. But you don't have to tell me. But if it is, then congrats. Gender is not that important."

Cool, eh?

Then today, I had a conversation with her husband. He told me that he knew. He was a good friend of mine. But because of our business, we drew apart. 

"Thanks for not keeping a distance from me." I said.

"I never thought I would keep distance from you. I hate you didn't tell me. But yeah, I don't blame you."

Cool? 

I still had that fast-beating-heart, when I typed my coming out sentence though it wasn't my first time. I guess I will always have that. 

And I still had those relieved feelings. It is always nice to have those acceptance.

I was wrong because I thought they couldn't accept me. Turned out that they would be okay with who I am. 

I will keep coming out I guess. Lol.