Words Terrorist

Hey!

How are you guys? Hope everything’s going well for all of you.

Been 18 days since new year, eh? New resolution, new spirit, new boyfriend? Hahahaha….

Looking back to 2015, I realised I was edgy, uneasy, tense, and critical. I was easily annoyed with what others did that crossed my path. I was agitated when people did the opposite of how I enjoyed this life.

I used to believe that I voiced my thought, of what I believed was the truth. I criticised others and might hurt someone in the process. I thought it was for a greater good. I was too proud to admit though it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t always good, that it didn’t always end well. Like I said, people might get hurt in the process.

With my sharp words, I tried to change what people believed. I didn’t respect their paradigms for I thought mine was better. Aside from right or wrong, for it is very subjective, every and each person has his right to own way of life. And I forgot that. I took cover behind the ‘for a greater good’ cause. The question is, whose greater good?

 

Putting it this way, I really sound like those terrorists, eh? 

And it is true. I wasn’t that different from them. I hurt people to make them believe what I believe. Not with bombs nor guns, but with my sentences. 

So yes, it is one of my resolution this year. I will keep voicing my version of truth, I will keep speaking my mind with a little change on how I do it. I have to respect that others also has their own paradigms, that they believe it to their bones. 

A fresh start then…. 

Happy Belated New Year!

The Perks of Living Together

Last weekend, K and I met with an old friend. We were having chat over coffee when suddenly he asked me for he saw my phone which I put on the table.
"Wow, you guys are still using Grindr and Jack'd. Is that okay?"

Looking back to two years ago, I wasn't fond of this idea, allowing my partner using those apps, at first. I was a bit insecure, knowing my better-half's reputation at that time, a flamboyant kind of person, LOL. When I brought this up, he said that if someone wanted to cheat, there were many ways to do so, even without using those apps. I learned to trust him. Using Grindr nor Jack'd had never been issues in our relationships since then.  Well, we don't know what future brings, our trust may backfire someday, he may find someone more attractive than I am, or I will fall for someone else that I meet on those apps. But we both agree, it's only a  POSSIBILITY, and over-worrying on something that isn't happening, or has not happened yet, or may never happen, is tiring, don't you think? Some says it is a preventive act. Well, what to prevent? I believe life has its own agenda, whether we like it or not, if it's meant to be, it will happen no matter what.

Of course it can not be applied on each and every relationship. For ours, we think it's better this way, by allowing each other using those apps, we grow our trust toward each other.

And then he asked again, "Aren't you guys jealous to each other?"

This question hit me. Ha! I had no reason to get jealous. I go wherever my better half goes, most of the time. We spend almost every minute together, literally. He has close friends that he talks to everyday, but they are his friends. I can't really find any reason to be jealous towards others but his phone, I guess, for he spends more time with his phone than with me. Haha!

"Well, aren't you bored to each other, seeing each other everyday?"

The word 'bored' never crossed our minds. Really. Simply I answered, "Do you find it boring living with your family?"

Thinking of all his questions, I came to conclusion that what all I have now is merely the perks of living together. It would be different if we lived separately, perhaps. I guess I'll never know.

My Two Penn'orth

In a WhatsApp group, I was involved in gay topic. I and my high school friends, whom I wasn't out to, talked about the trending topic which was gay marriage in Bali. 

I only observed the conversation at first without any intention to be involved in that chit chat. Their opinions were as I expected. One of them referred to Sodom and Gomorrah, common guidelines that is often used to oppose gays.

A friend of mine, Er, the only one who knew I was gay, challenged them:

Er : What we should do towards them (gays)?

B : No tolerance. 

Er : In what way? What would you do to them in real life?

B : Well, I'll let them be. I don't want them to flirt with me. 

I just smiled and continued my observation.

Then B said that it wasn't normal to be gay, psychologically. Being friend with an undergraduate in psychology, I knew that gay wasn't abnormal for in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. 

I was intriqued to bring out this thing, but I was afraid. But hell, I felt like I had to do it, I had to speak up and I did. I told them what I knew that gay had been declassified as abnormal in psychological study. And I got various responses.

F : If someday, bestiality, by consensus is also declassified as mental illness, would it be normal too?

R : If it's normal, what will happen with procreation? What will happen with the population if 70% of the people are gays?

I was stunned. Breathing out, I replied, "Well, I think we are talking in different views, while I look at it on psychological paradigm, you see it in terms of morality, or population. It's like combining Genesis and Darwin's theory."

I stopped there. The debate, for me, it's over. Not that I didn't have the argumentation of both morality and population view, but I felt it was useless for it had extended to God knows where.

Er told me in private chat that they took the easy way out. Their opinion weren't risky. They were "go-with-the-flow" opinions. This matter somehow has no effect in their lives, he continued. 

I guess he was right. 

It's true that many times in my life, I went where the current took me, just to be safe, to be netral. The easy way out. Is it okay? Well, the real question isn't whether it's okay or not. The real question is if your conscience says "Yes" or "No" and you tell otherwise because it's somewhat majority, so you will be safe, no harm whatsoever, won't you regret it in the future, not to say what you believe in? 

This afternoon I read about Bali's Governor's reaction towards the gay marriage in Bali. For me, his reaction was "normal". I didn't know what he believed in, but it was just safe. 

I love to get involved in debates, not to win the debates, but to express what I believe, so my "opponent" know my rationale.

Maybe it is only my two penn'orth, but who knows? It may bring a slight change in this cruel world.

This is Indonesia

I just watched the 10th episode of web series CONQ. You can watch it here. It was good for it really showed us the truth that happened in our society.

But I don't wanna talk about the entire show. I want to highlight when Timo said, "Ini Indonesia". In my perception, "Ini Indonesia" represents Indonesian that can't and won't accept gay marriage, Indonesian that are shallow-minded, Indonesian that are so-called deeply religious. In this context, Timo were givin' up (before he tried). One of the reasons (or excuse) was "Ini Indonesia."

In my point of view, what Timo said was, "I am gay, I will marry a girl, because I live in Indonesia whose people are shallow minded and marriage equality are never going to happen".


In our daily lives, how many times have we ever said "Ini Indonesia" for our excuses. Every thing that is wrong, like corruption, shallow-minded people, bad politics, littering, child trafficking, animal cruelty and so many things, will be excusable when we say, "Ini Indonesia."

Two things:

One, we give up before we try. We know what's right, we know how bad thing is, but we stay silent. We consider it as normal things. We do nothing but complain. Like I said in my previous post, "when we know something is wrong, but we do nothing, it is our way to say that we agree with that wrong things." But then, some people say that it is not easy to make a change. Well, of course. Marriage equality in States didn't happen in one day. Even instant noodles needs to be prepared before it is served. You can't have instant noodle cooked by your thought. Unless you can do telekinetic, but then there is still some effort to do that, at least you think it. You are gay, you marry a girl and yet you expect for marriage equality. Ironic.


Two, we blame anything else but us for our decision.When we decide to marry a woman, it's about us and our thought, it's not about Indonesia and Indonesian people's way of thinking. We can't say "I can't marry my boyfriend because it is Indonesia." We can't marry our boyfriend because we are making Indonesia as our excuse. We are not brave enough to chase our happiness. I am not saying that we can't marry a girl if we are gay. All I am saying is just stop making excuse, stop blaming anybody else or any condition, and start live our decision. Whatever decision we make, it's on us. It's not on our parents', it's not on Indonesia's.

Creating Moments and Enjoying Them

This morning I had a conversation with a friend. Unlike us, he and his boyfriend are not openly gays. He told me that when the time comes, he might marry a girl, for the sake of his parents.

Our conversation is as followed:
H : Hey, you said couple days ago that you were gonna marry a girl if your parents ask you to because you haven't told your parents, and you will not tell them that you are gay. Humor me then, why are you having a relationship with a guy now?
I : Well, I hope I would be like you guys, staying together, opening a business....
H : But then, you will still marry a girl.
I : Unfortunately, yes. I love my parents more than I love myself.
H : I do understand that. But whatever you have, or will have, with your boyfriend has to be ended when you marry a girl, right? Then what's the point?
I : Who knows what comes next?
H : Nobody, there's no guarantee. But it's like you put your life on faith. (I wasn't satisfied with his answers, so I kept pushing)
I : It's complicated. But I'm not a guy who focuses on the ending. I always tell my better half to enjoy the process. So we are creating moments. We try to enjoy those moments while we still can.


Though I don't totally agree with his paradigm, because it seems to me that there's no goal to fight for and it's kinda sad for me, he got me there when he said he was creating moments. I realized that I always focused on the ending, I am the one who try to find as much certainty as I can so I forget to enjoy each and every moment. I forget to live.

Again, I am not saying that I agree with the way he lives his life but I respect him for his choices because it's impossible for me to really understand what kind of live he has. The truth is he opens my eyes to all possibilities out there. Life is not always black and white.   

I blog this as a reminder for me, and for you too, that we have to enjoy every moment we have.

As for me, I will not stop fighting to reach my dreams. But definitely, I will add more stopping stone to enjoy the process.

A Letter from A Pastor

Earlier today, I was talking to my friend via whatsapp. He suddenly asked me if I was gay because he saw a picture of mine on instagram that indicated I was one. Once I admitted, he was so supportive. Long story short, he said that he emailed his pastor (which used to be mine too) about this. He then forwarded his reply to me.

I like to share this letter for it has been a blessing to me. I wish it could be yours too.

Dear E, 
Thank you for your email. LGBT indeed is a very complex matter. I happen to do more research on this subject in my doctoral studies (on pastoral liturgy for marginalized groups, which necessarily involves LGBT).

Our church does not have same view about this matter, because many pastors do not get enough information. I learned a lot after several studies in these recent years. Previously, as other pastor would say, when I was asked about LGBT, I would give a "standard answer" which roughly says: LGBT should be celibate because Christianity only permits sexual relations in marriage.

But upon closer examination to see the standpoint of psychology, sociology, and also a more progressive theology, we will see that we can not judge LGBT based on our standards. The cause of being LGBT is debatable (some say because of the nature, partly due to nurture, others say it's combination of both). But clearly, for a gay/lesbian, same-sex attraction is not lifestyle nor life choices. If they could, they certainly would not choose to live as gays, because it was miserable. They can not change who they are. Even if there are few who claim to be able to change, occurs that he/she is a bisexual. Until a few years ago (before 2011), Evangelicals churches in America tried to "cure" gay with so-called "reparative therapy" or "conversion therapy." Those LGBT people were put into camp/special retreat to be changed. It had gone for decades, and the largest was held by "Exodus Ministry", and finally three years ago they shut the program down and apologized, because it did not work. It couldn't change people's sex orientation.

So, about your friend, you should not judge that he sinned, and need to repent, or anything like that. It would be better to be a friend who is willing to listen and to understand. If he wants, he can come to LGBT seminar in our church, next October. I once brought a seminar on LGBT for our church assemblies, but I am not sure if the papers is suitable for him. For it is better to be explained rather than just to be read and then lead to misunderstanding. It is also possible to give him my contact, he can talk directly to me. Although I may not be able to answer emails every day, because of  a lot of work :-)

My personal view, after studying more than 2 years, it is okay to be gay. The important thing, whether gay or straight, is we both need to do the best we can to glorify God and to be a blessing. I think God never requires us to change what we can not change. God never asks a black man to become a white man. Or demands barren to have children. Unless in our lives, God makes miracles. But from the beginning until now, most people do not get miracle. So what is asked from us is to live as well as possible with what is, with what we can. 
Okay, that's it for now.
 
Greetings to all of you there,
J.

****

I accept myself for who I am, I embrace my sexuality and I live as "normal" people. But there is always one thing that comes to my mind now and then, "Does God bless me for being gay?". Well, I am not saying that I wasn't blessed. But I kinda need something spiritually that somehow says 'it's okay to be gay'. Clearly I can't find it in the bible.

I was raised Christian, so most of the times, I would try to convince myself that love is the first and foremost law of Christianity. 

Reading his email was such a relief. It amazed me in every way possible. It is what I need, reassuring facts, in the paradigm of Christianity (by someone like him).

Two to Tango

We have heard so many stories about couple who say that they have successful relationship because they share many things in common. They collects figurines, they are philatelist, they are attracted to same style of fashion, they love rock 'n roll, they hike together, they travel to eat, they dig photography and so on and so on.

It is believed that we have to share same things with our partner to have a good relationship.

We find ourselves attracted to people who love the same thing. We are attracted to people who have same values of life.We blend with people who have the same taste in almost everything. Lovely? Sure! K and I love to watch movies. And it surely is fun to watch movies together, with your loved one.

But. Yes, it is a big but. At some point,  we will find that we are not that same, we are two different people.

We were born unique. We were born with different DNA. We lived our childhood in different society. We were raised differently. We were shaped differently by our culture.

We learn that our partner loves Celine Dion while we cry for Mariah Carey. We learn that our partner loves kids when we love our career. We learn that our partner is a plan-person when we are more to happy-go-lucky-person. The list surely doesn't stop there.

This is the point where relationship gets hard. I find that my partner is super ignorant. It's not that he doesn't love me, I know he does. But he just doesn't pay attention to details while I do. And when he asks me the same things over and over, it frustrates me. At some level, it annoys me a lot.

For this simple case, I can really get tired. But then, it's his nature. Again, we can't expect our partner to change. They were shaped that way for you know how long. When my head, instead my heart, takes over the control, I focus myself to be in his shoes. I realize that he is not who I am.We are two different people.

Again, it's not a common sense that our same hobbies are not the reason why we have successful relationship. But it's true. Our same point of view won't make our relationship lasts forever. It's our compromise that do.


Couple times ago, I wrote on my path this quote, "The best thing to have a relationship with someone who is totally different with you is you can widen your view. You learn to see things beyond your paradigm. You learn to put your feet on someone's else shoes. It's okay not to have many things in common with your loved one. It's compromise that matters."

And if I may add, beyond all, you have to share the same dreams. Imagine you and your partner are in the same boat. Both of you have to have the same final destination. There will be many ways to go to your final destination. You can go right, you can go left, you may fight with your partner about the way you wanna go through. Your compromise of each other's direction is important., so you can work your way out. But if the destination is not the same, then you can be sure that you won't go anywhere.