Blabbering

It's been a while I know. I was too busy doing things (yeah, right!)

The truth is, I don't know what to write, I can't write. I need more than 10 minutes writing this two lines. I closed my Safari tab, opened Instagram, .... oh gosh... even to continue this sentence, I have no idea. 

Then it got me thinking, maybe I just don't love writing. It won't come to me. Those f*cking ideas won't come to me.

Should I try harder? Or this is just not my cup of tea? But why did I write often back then?

Hmm....

Okay, let's try.
What do you wanna know?
K? K is fine. He's travelling abroad. Another business trip. To Istanbul. While I am sitting here, on my hard chair at the office, trying to write some sense. I sound pathetic, eh? LOL.

On a serious note, I'm thankful for what I have right now, for what and who I am right now. Relationship wise, it's been a lovely 5 years. On our fourth year, we dealt with something really serious. It didn't only involve tears, but also heartbreaks (yes, heartbreaks, plural, if I can count it). But it's in the past. We are good now, really good, I can even say we are better.

Feeling wise, though I am in much better condition, I am not on my best. Let's just say I've been better. Am I happy? Yes, for sure, most of the times, when I am thankful, like right now. I can't really wipe those off, you know. Yet. Sometimes I'm getting really paranoid, asking too much questions, overthinking everything. And in those times, K comes to the rescue. He will pull me in his arms, saying that everything's gonna be just fine. I think he does a lot of effort for the sake of our relationship. See, we are in better relationship.

Wow.
Do I bore you?

So much for someone to look up to, eh? We are not those perfect couples afterall. What you saw were only our best versions. (Do I sound bitter? Am trying not to for I am not.)

How about the future?
I am mending my heart now (it's almost done, lol). And yes, I still believe in us. I wanna marry him someday. I still want a son (and/or a daughter), to be raised together. Hopefully, next year (or sooner), we will have a new business. Crossing fingers.

At this point, I am sure I bore you to death.
So I should stop now.
Do you wish you see more writings from me soon? That makes both of us. 

Cheers,
H

Segen and Boden - Part 4 (The End)

Segen

I arrived at home seeing Boden sitting in the living room. His eyes were empty looking down the floor.

"I don't deserve this." I burst.

"You don't. I am sorry."



Boden

"Why did you do that? Why Boe? I asked you not to lie to me anymore. But you kept lying. You were even furious at me when I asked you for the truth. You said you loved me but you didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Why Boe? I don't need your sorry. I need you to tell me why. I did everything I could to make you feel more comfortable. I changed a lot for you. I don't deserve this. Why?

"I'm sorry."

"You brought him here, my home, our home. You had sex with him on our bed. You told him that you wanted to be with him. You'd leave me for him."

"I'm sorry. I am ashamed. I think it's best for me to be alone."

...

It broke me hard seeing Segen bursted into tears. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I didn't tell him the truth because I didn't want to hurt him more. But I did by doing so.

I knew that was the end. Segen would never forgive me for what I'd done. That was sucks because I loved him more after all of this. I wanted to be with him. But I knew I had no right to ask that.

...

"That's what you want?" Segen asked me.

"I don't know."

"Do you want me?"

"No." Of course I wanted him, I just couldn't see him getting hurt by a monster like me.

"So you wanna be with Offen?"

"Of course not. I love you." The truth.

"Bullshit."

"Do you still love me?"

"Really? Why am I still here then? I want you to want me. I love you no matter what. And I feel stupid for that."

"I want you."

"You said you don't."

"I lied. Again. I'm sorry."

"I want you too."



Segen

"Do you think I'm stupid?" I asked Boden that night.

"No. I think you are someone with a big heart. I didn't think I deserved you, I didn't think you would still love me."

"I love you."

"I love you even more." 

"Promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Say that more often from now on."

"I promise."


Boden

It was a happy ending, don't you think? 
I was blessed. But I hadn't told Segen that my office partners never asked me to go out of town that weekend. I went so I could spend that weekend with Offen. Should I tell him? Will it break him, again?

Segen and Boden - Part 3

Boden

"Should I end this?"
This question haunted me for days. Seeing Segen like that was a torture for me. I knew deep in my heart, I loved him. But I still wanted more from Offen.

"Can you let me have sex with Offen? Just sex?" 
"Why?" asked Segen.
"Because I want to experience those things, those BDSMs, dominate people."

Silence.
"I can't do it to you. You are important to me."
"I can learn."
"But I don't want you to learn. I don't have the heart to quote-unquote torture you."
And he broke into tears.

...

I realized how broken Segen was those days. I knew he had sleepless night. I curled with him, hugged him every night. But my mind still wandered. To Offen.

I decided to end the relationship with Offen. Segen, afterall, was more real to me. We had everything. I was sorry for Offen, but I had to do it. 

...

We had a big fight. Offen and I. 


Segen

I didn't want to rush my decision. I was broken. I broke into tears many times since that day. But I still wanted Boden. He was my life.

I wanted to start over. 

...

I managed to be okay in two weeks. Boden said it was over, he and Offen. It was a beautiful Monday. I started it with smile for Boden kissed me in the morning, which he rarely did. It was the most beautiful Monday, until I saw "Offen" on Boden's phone.

I was furious. I wondered why he couldn't leave us alone.

I texted him, for the first time, told us to leave us and to move on.

Then Offen called me. Telling me everything. 

And I was broken. For the third time in 2 months. I got my hopes up then Boden slammed it down, again and again, with his lies. 

I sensed happiness when he told me that Boden telling him that he would leave me for him. He was so proud that he had sex with Boden, many times. He told me everything as if it was okay to do that with partnered person. I was about to think that he had no remorse for what he did before he apologized. 

But his apology didn't make me any better.

He wished that I would be okay. As if it was sweet.

I was furious. To Boden. To Offen. To myself. I was a fool for more than once.
Was that love? Would I be whole again?

Segen and Boden - Part 2

Boden

I wanted it more.

I craved for more.

The sex, the power, the domination. More.

I didn't get it with Segen. It was another cold sex with him. Indifferent, unexcited, dull, frigid. Sometimes it was okay, but still unpassionate. And I couldn't stand the boredom. I knew he tried hard after I told him I wanted to end this, but I didn't think that was enough. I wanted something more. I wanted Offen.

I told Segen that my office partners asked me to go with them for the weekend out of town, Offen's town.  He wasn't happy as always. But I wanted to go. The hell with him.

...

"I want you, Boe" said Offen, after, again, a superb sex.

"How much?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Would you leave your wife?"

"I don't know, would you?"

...

My relationship got better with Segen, I was touched with his willingness to change. But my relationship with Offen also grew. I felt guilty. To both of them. I didn't tell Offen that I wasn't married. I wanted out. But this power overcame my sanity, I guessed.

...

Segen was out of town on June, I invited Offen to our house.

"You are not married?"

"No. I am in relationship with him," I pointed my picture with Segen on the living room.

"How long?"

"4 years, I think."

"Okay."

Silence.

"I will leave him for you." I didn't know why I said that. "I will tell the whole world that you are mine."

"Stop it," Offen kissed me. 

"I don't feel the same when I'm with him," I mumbled in his lips.

I asked myself what I had done. I was confused, but I just couldn't let go. 

Segen

"Did you go with someone for dinner?" I asked Boden that Thursday. I was out of town for 4 days.

"No, I went alone, why?"

"Nothing. You just sent me the bill, and it was recorded for two paxs."

"Oh, no, I went alone. I didn't know 'bout that."

...

"I finished all the ice cream! Was so good."

"The whole pint? In one day? By yourself?" 

...

I was suspicous with what Boden did that weekend. I asked him all the details and he got mad. I thought I was too paranoid.

Other than that, I felt better everyday. I felt that Boden loved me more. My hope got restored, that I could be with him for the rest of my life. My love for him grew. As I told you, it was a wake up call for me.

Boden had to go again for another weekend in the middle of June. I wanted to come, but he said that he would share the room with his office partner. So I stayed home. I spent my weekend browsing for our next vacation. It would be a refreshing for us. We both needed it.

...

It was July 3rd. My stomach was upset after our trip. I was on my way to get medicine when Boden's phone beeped. "Who texted him this late?"

Curious, I looked at his phone. 

"I love you". 

Offen. 

My heart beat fast. My hands trembled. I recognized the name. I once asked Boden who this guy was, and he said he was a friend of a friend that he met when he was out of town. I was scared.

I woke Boden up. My stomach got worse, but my heart felt even worse. I asked him the truth, I asked him what had happened so this Offen guy said those words.

"It was just a fling, we only texted once a while. And yes we flirt now and then. I am sorry. I shouldn't do that to you."

"You didn't see him? You guys only text?"

"Yes."

"But still you cheated."

"I know. I'm sorry."

I cried again that night. And the next night. It was like what I did was useless. Boden hugged me, told me that he was sorry, that he wanted to be with me. But I was too broken. Even it was just text, even Boden told me that they never had sex. But it broke me, still.

Segen and Boden - Part 1

BODEN

I hated when he was cranky. He criticized everything I did. He would annoyingly complain on how unclean I was in washing dishes, how untidy I arranged those plates, how I left everything for having my me-time with my instagram. I guessed he didn't know how I loved to see those bodies in Instagram. Segen? Other than his round tummy, he had nothing to be proud of.

It's been 4 years now. Yesterday was our anniversary, which of course I forgot. He pretended that he was okay, while I knew he wasn't. My mind was on something else, er, someone else. I once loved Segen. I didn't know if I still did. It had been a tiring relationship. We fought a lot, often for simple things. I met Offen last year, on gay apps, which I never met. We flirted here and there, but since it was going nowhere, I didn't text him anymore. Until yesterday. He said he was visiting my town the day after, and he wanted to meet me, and to have sex with me.

...

It was couple days after Christmas. I drove north, to meet someone, to satisfy my appetite. I told Segen that I would be a bit late since traffic was really bad. I always had this fantasy, to be a master in sex, to have slave on my own. I could never do that to Segen, he was not that kind of guy, that he always wants to have romance in sex. The hell, I'd been doing that for 3 fucking years. 

Anyway, it was a quick sex. I told him, the other guy, I hardly remembered, that it was one time thing. I drove back to pick up Segen, and it was just like the other night.

...

Segen was asleep when I was getting ready for my morning run. When I was on my way out he shouted, "Have fun!" I replied, "Thanks, I will". He didn't know that I would be, of course in a different way he could imagined, of course it was one time thing, again.

...

"Hi!"
"Come in. Good to see you," a tiny guy welcomed me at his hotel door.
"Are you drunk?" I kinda smelled alcohol.
"Kinda, do you mind?" and he kissed me.

I spent another hour trying to have sex, but he was too drunk to do that.

"Come back tomorrow, I'll spend another night."

...

Yes, long story short, we had sex the day after. It was super good. I dominated him. I enslaved him, sexually. It will be too much if I blabber everything here, LOL. And he did everyting I asked him to do. I loved this power I had over him. It was one time thing, until....


SEGEN

"Can you be nice to me? And not being mad at me over and over?"
"I can, but..." I wondered why he asked me this repeatedly, I told him many times, it was like he didn't listen, "I was mad for reasons..."
"I know," Boden replied, "but that's who I am."

This conversation happened on daily basis. Boden complained on how often I got mad on silly things, while I was being defensive for I did because of what he did. It was like never ending fights.

I was not comfortable with this relationship. I was angry everytime. Not sad, but angry. I didn't know why I stayed, maybe just because I didn't want to be alone.

We barely had sex anymore. And if we did, it was never good, not as good as it was before.

I was tired, physically and mentally. I wasn't happy. And I tried to be until that day. That day, some day in May, Boden said that he wanted to end this relationship. That he wanted to be alone, that he dreamt to be alone.

We discussed to split the money, the house and everything we owned together. It was fine at first for I thought I wanted that too.

The reality kicked in an hour later. The fact that I was single hit me hard. That was the moment that I knew I still loved him. I cried. Hard I guessed. Boden hugged me tight, he told me that he hated seeing me like that. He said he changed his mind, he wanted to be with me, he would try harder to keep this relationship. 

It was a wake up call to me. I started to see things differently, I started to change my behaviour, I tried to manage my anger. It was actually good. I was happier. And our relationship was getting better, or at least that was what I thought.

Are You Afraid?

It’s been a while that K wanted to curl his hair, but his hair is not long enough and he has his doubt for his office mates are those conservatives ones. 

About 4 or 5 months ago, I decided to curl my hair. I gave it a lot of thought for it would be a big change. And finally I did it. I was not confident about how I looked at the first days. Some friends made joke about my curly hair. Some of the jokes were harsh, even for me. I try not to listen, but I kept listening to their words and I laughed with them, pretending that I enjoyed all of the “funny” words, while doubting myself at the same time.

“You look like my auntie! LOL.”

“Those hair is messy. Were you just hit by a truck? Bahahahaha.”

“Have you combed your hair?”

“Is that pubes? ROFL.”

“Do you call that style?"

The mock didn’t stop. I heard it everywhere I went. People who had known me always had something to say, which mostly were not nice, about it or made fun of it. Sometimes I wanted to defend myself, for those who said harsh words usually had that Andy-Lau-looks, if you know what I mean.

I still hear those jokes now and then, I still hear how people say bad things toward my hair. The difference is I don’t listen to those anymore.

The thing is, we can’t please anybody. And it should not stop us for being who we are or doing what we like to do, as long as it doesn’t harm others. 

People tend not to accept what they don’t understand or what’s new to them, and it’s not our job to make them understand. It is their homework to adapt for change. You should not let people dictate how you look, how you dress, how you live your life, how you love nor be bothered of what they say about it. They will always judge, they will always laugh because of our differences, but we are not them, we don’t live their lives as they don’t live ours. 

So as I told K that Saturday morning, “If you are afraid of what people might say about you, you’ll never be who you really are.”

Words Terrorist

Hey!

How are you guys? Hope everything’s going well for all of you.

Been 18 days since new year, eh? New resolution, new spirit, new boyfriend? Hahahaha….

Looking back to 2015, I realised I was edgy, uneasy, tense, and critical. I was easily annoyed with what others did that crossed my path. I was agitated when people did the opposite of how I enjoyed this life.

I used to believe that I voiced my thought, of what I believed was the truth. I criticised others and might hurt someone in the process. I thought it was for a greater good. I was too proud to admit though it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t always good, that it didn’t always end well. Like I said, people might get hurt in the process.

With my sharp words, I tried to change what people believed. I didn’t respect their paradigms for I thought mine was better. Aside from right or wrong, for it is very subjective, every and each person has his right to own way of life. And I forgot that. I took cover behind the ‘for a greater good’ cause. The question is, whose greater good?

 

Putting it this way, I really sound like those terrorists, eh? 

And it is true. I wasn’t that different from them. I hurt people to make them believe what I believe. Not with bombs nor guns, but with my sentences. 

So yes, it is one of my resolution this year. I will keep voicing my version of truth, I will keep speaking my mind with a little change on how I do it. I have to respect that others also has their own paradigms, that they believe it to their bones. 

A fresh start then…. 

Happy Belated New Year!

The Perks of Living Together

Last weekend, K and I met with an old friend. We were having chat over coffee when suddenly he asked me for he saw my phone which I put on the table.
"Wow, you guys are still using Grindr and Jack'd. Is that okay?"

Looking back to two years ago, I wasn't fond of this idea, allowing my partner using those apps, at first. I was a bit insecure, knowing my better-half's reputation at that time, a flamboyant kind of person, LOL. When I brought this up, he said that if someone wanted to cheat, there were many ways to do so, even without using those apps. I learned to trust him. Using Grindr nor Jack'd had never been issues in our relationships since then.  Well, we don't know what future brings, our trust may backfire someday, he may find someone more attractive than I am, or I will fall for someone else that I meet on those apps. But we both agree, it's only a  POSSIBILITY, and over-worrying on something that isn't happening, or has not happened yet, or may never happen, is tiring, don't you think? Some says it is a preventive act. Well, what to prevent? I believe life has its own agenda, whether we like it or not, if it's meant to be, it will happen no matter what.

Of course it can not be applied on each and every relationship. For ours, we think it's better this way, by allowing each other using those apps, we grow our trust toward each other.

And then he asked again, "Aren't you guys jealous to each other?"

This question hit me. Ha! I had no reason to get jealous. I go wherever my better half goes, most of the time. We spend almost every minute together, literally. He has close friends that he talks to everyday, but they are his friends. I can't really find any reason to be jealous towards others but his phone, I guess, for he spends more time with his phone than with me. Haha!

"Well, aren't you bored to each other, seeing each other everyday?"

The word 'bored' never crossed our minds. Really. Simply I answered, "Do you find it boring living with your family?"

Thinking of all his questions, I came to conclusion that what all I have now is merely the perks of living together. It would be different if we lived separately, perhaps. I guess I'll never know.

My Two Penn'orth

In a WhatsApp group, I was involved in gay topic. I and my high school friends, whom I wasn't out to, talked about the trending topic which was gay marriage in Bali. 

I only observed the conversation at first without any intention to be involved in that chit chat. Their opinions were as I expected. One of them referred to Sodom and Gomorrah, common guidelines that is often used to oppose gays.

A friend of mine, Er, the only one who knew I was gay, challenged them:

Er : What we should do towards them (gays)?

B : No tolerance. 

Er : In what way? What would you do to them in real life?

B : Well, I'll let them be. I don't want them to flirt with me. 

I just smiled and continued my observation.

Then B said that it wasn't normal to be gay, psychologically. Being friend with an undergraduate in psychology, I knew that gay wasn't abnormal for in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. 

I was intriqued to bring out this thing, but I was afraid. But hell, I felt like I had to do it, I had to speak up and I did. I told them what I knew that gay had been declassified as abnormal in psychological study. And I got various responses.

F : If someday, bestiality, by consensus is also declassified as mental illness, would it be normal too?

R : If it's normal, what will happen with procreation? What will happen with the population if 70% of the people are gays?

I was stunned. Breathing out, I replied, "Well, I think we are talking in different views, while I look at it on psychological paradigm, you see it in terms of morality, or population. It's like combining Genesis and Darwin's theory."

I stopped there. The debate, for me, it's over. Not that I didn't have the argumentation of both morality and population view, but I felt it was useless for it had extended to God knows where.

Er told me in private chat that they took the easy way out. Their opinion weren't risky. They were "go-with-the-flow" opinions. This matter somehow has no effect in their lives, he continued. 

I guess he was right. 

It's true that many times in my life, I went where the current took me, just to be safe, to be netral. The easy way out. Is it okay? Well, the real question isn't whether it's okay or not. The real question is if your conscience says "Yes" or "No" and you tell otherwise because it's somewhat majority, so you will be safe, no harm whatsoever, won't you regret it in the future, not to say what you believe in? 

This afternoon I read about Bali's Governor's reaction towards the gay marriage in Bali. For me, his reaction was "normal". I didn't know what he believed in, but it was just safe. 

I love to get involved in debates, not to win the debates, but to express what I believe, so my "opponent" know my rationale.

Maybe it is only my two penn'orth, but who knows? It may bring a slight change in this cruel world.

This is Indonesia

I just watched the 10th episode of web series CONQ. You can watch it here. It was good for it really showed us the truth that happened in our society.

But I don't wanna talk about the entire show. I want to highlight when Timo said, "Ini Indonesia". In my perception, "Ini Indonesia" represents Indonesian that can't and won't accept gay marriage, Indonesian that are shallow-minded, Indonesian that are so-called deeply religious. In this context, Timo were givin' up (before he tried). One of the reasons (or excuse) was "Ini Indonesia."

In my point of view, what Timo said was, "I am gay, I will marry a girl, because I live in Indonesia whose people are shallow minded and marriage equality are never going to happen".


In our daily lives, how many times have we ever said "Ini Indonesia" for our excuses. Every thing that is wrong, like corruption, shallow-minded people, bad politics, littering, child trafficking, animal cruelty and so many things, will be excusable when we say, "Ini Indonesia."

Two things:

One, we give up before we try. We know what's right, we know how bad thing is, but we stay silent. We consider it as normal things. We do nothing but complain. Like I said in my previous post, "when we know something is wrong, but we do nothing, it is our way to say that we agree with that wrong things." But then, some people say that it is not easy to make a change. Well, of course. Marriage equality in States didn't happen in one day. Even instant noodles needs to be prepared before it is served. You can't have instant noodle cooked by your thought. Unless you can do telekinetic, but then there is still some effort to do that, at least you think it. You are gay, you marry a girl and yet you expect for marriage equality. Ironic.


Two, we blame anything else but us for our decision.When we decide to marry a woman, it's about us and our thought, it's not about Indonesia and Indonesian people's way of thinking. We can't say "I can't marry my boyfriend because it is Indonesia." We can't marry our boyfriend because we are making Indonesia as our excuse. We are not brave enough to chase our happiness. I am not saying that we can't marry a girl if we are gay. All I am saying is just stop making excuse, stop blaming anybody else or any condition, and start live our decision. Whatever decision we make, it's on us. It's not on our parents', it's not on Indonesia's.

Creating Moments and Enjoying Them

This morning I had a conversation with a friend. Unlike us, he and his boyfriend are not openly gays. He told me that when the time comes, he might marry a girl, for the sake of his parents.

Our conversation is as followed:
H : Hey, you said couple days ago that you were gonna marry a girl if your parents ask you to because you haven't told your parents, and you will not tell them that you are gay. Humor me then, why are you having a relationship with a guy now?
I : Well, I hope I would be like you guys, staying together, opening a business....
H : But then, you will still marry a girl.
I : Unfortunately, yes. I love my parents more than I love myself.
H : I do understand that. But whatever you have, or will have, with your boyfriend has to be ended when you marry a girl, right? Then what's the point?
I : Who knows what comes next?
H : Nobody, there's no guarantee. But it's like you put your life on faith. (I wasn't satisfied with his answers, so I kept pushing)
I : It's complicated. But I'm not a guy who focuses on the ending. I always tell my better half to enjoy the process. So we are creating moments. We try to enjoy those moments while we still can.


Though I don't totally agree with his paradigm, because it seems to me that there's no goal to fight for and it's kinda sad for me, he got me there when he said he was creating moments. I realized that I always focused on the ending, I am the one who try to find as much certainty as I can so I forget to enjoy each and every moment. I forget to live.

Again, I am not saying that I agree with the way he lives his life but I respect him for his choices because it's impossible for me to really understand what kind of live he has. The truth is he opens my eyes to all possibilities out there. Life is not always black and white.   

I blog this as a reminder for me, and for you too, that we have to enjoy every moment we have.

As for me, I will not stop fighting to reach my dreams. But definitely, I will add more stopping stone to enjoy the process.

A Letter from A Pastor

Earlier today, I was talking to my friend via whatsapp. He suddenly asked me if I was gay because he saw a picture of mine on instagram that indicated I was one. Once I admitted, he was so supportive. Long story short, he said that he emailed his pastor (which used to be mine too) about this. He then forwarded his reply to me.

I like to share this letter for it has been a blessing to me. I wish it could be yours too.

Dear E, 
Thank you for your email. LGBT indeed is a very complex matter. I happen to do more research on this subject in my doctoral studies (on pastoral liturgy for marginalized groups, which necessarily involves LGBT).

Our church does not have same view about this matter, because many pastors do not get enough information. I learned a lot after several studies in these recent years. Previously, as other pastor would say, when I was asked about LGBT, I would give a "standard answer" which roughly says: LGBT should be celibate because Christianity only permits sexual relations in marriage.

But upon closer examination to see the standpoint of psychology, sociology, and also a more progressive theology, we will see that we can not judge LGBT based on our standards. The cause of being LGBT is debatable (some say because of the nature, partly due to nurture, others say it's combination of both). But clearly, for a gay/lesbian, same-sex attraction is not lifestyle nor life choices. If they could, they certainly would not choose to live as gays, because it was miserable. They can not change who they are. Even if there are few who claim to be able to change, occurs that he/she is a bisexual. Until a few years ago (before 2011), Evangelicals churches in America tried to "cure" gay with so-called "reparative therapy" or "conversion therapy." Those LGBT people were put into camp/special retreat to be changed. It had gone for decades, and the largest was held by "Exodus Ministry", and finally three years ago they shut the program down and apologized, because it did not work. It couldn't change people's sex orientation.

So, about your friend, you should not judge that he sinned, and need to repent, or anything like that. It would be better to be a friend who is willing to listen and to understand. If he wants, he can come to LGBT seminar in our church, next October. I once brought a seminar on LGBT for our church assemblies, but I am not sure if the papers is suitable for him. For it is better to be explained rather than just to be read and then lead to misunderstanding. It is also possible to give him my contact, he can talk directly to me. Although I may not be able to answer emails every day, because of  a lot of work :-)

My personal view, after studying more than 2 years, it is okay to be gay. The important thing, whether gay or straight, is we both need to do the best we can to glorify God and to be a blessing. I think God never requires us to change what we can not change. God never asks a black man to become a white man. Or demands barren to have children. Unless in our lives, God makes miracles. But from the beginning until now, most people do not get miracle. So what is asked from us is to live as well as possible with what is, with what we can. 
Okay, that's it for now.
 
Greetings to all of you there,
J.

****

I accept myself for who I am, I embrace my sexuality and I live as "normal" people. But there is always one thing that comes to my mind now and then, "Does God bless me for being gay?". Well, I am not saying that I wasn't blessed. But I kinda need something spiritually that somehow says 'it's okay to be gay'. Clearly I can't find it in the bible.

I was raised Christian, so most of the times, I would try to convince myself that love is the first and foremost law of Christianity. 

Reading his email was such a relief. It amazed me in every way possible. It is what I need, reassuring facts, in the paradigm of Christianity (by someone like him).

Two to Tango

We have heard so many stories about couple who say that they have successful relationship because they share many things in common. They collects figurines, they are philatelist, they are attracted to same style of fashion, they love rock 'n roll, they hike together, they travel to eat, they dig photography and so on and so on.

It is believed that we have to share same things with our partner to have a good relationship.

We find ourselves attracted to people who love the same thing. We are attracted to people who have same values of life.We blend with people who have the same taste in almost everything. Lovely? Sure! K and I love to watch movies. And it surely is fun to watch movies together, with your loved one.

But. Yes, it is a big but. At some point,  we will find that we are not that same, we are two different people.

We were born unique. We were born with different DNA. We lived our childhood in different society. We were raised differently. We were shaped differently by our culture.

We learn that our partner loves Celine Dion while we cry for Mariah Carey. We learn that our partner loves kids when we love our career. We learn that our partner is a plan-person when we are more to happy-go-lucky-person. The list surely doesn't stop there.

This is the point where relationship gets hard. I find that my partner is super ignorant. It's not that he doesn't love me, I know he does. But he just doesn't pay attention to details while I do. And when he asks me the same things over and over, it frustrates me. At some level, it annoys me a lot.

For this simple case, I can really get tired. But then, it's his nature. Again, we can't expect our partner to change. They were shaped that way for you know how long. When my head, instead my heart, takes over the control, I focus myself to be in his shoes. I realize that he is not who I am.We are two different people.

Again, it's not a common sense that our same hobbies are not the reason why we have successful relationship. But it's true. Our same point of view won't make our relationship lasts forever. It's our compromise that do.


Couple times ago, I wrote on my path this quote, "The best thing to have a relationship with someone who is totally different with you is you can widen your view. You learn to see things beyond your paradigm. You learn to put your feet on someone's else shoes. It's okay not to have many things in common with your loved one. It's compromise that matters."

And if I may add, beyond all, you have to share the same dreams. Imagine you and your partner are in the same boat. Both of you have to have the same final destination. There will be many ways to go to your final destination. You can go right, you can go left, you may fight with your partner about the way you wanna go through. Your compromise of each other's direction is important., so you can work your way out. But if the destination is not the same, then you can be sure that you won't go anywhere.   

Love Sees Through

Last weekend I was scrolling down my Path page when I saw a picture of a interracial gay couple, one guy was definitely an Asian, while his partner was Caucasian. It was clear on the picture that the Caucasian guy attracted more eyes. It was understandable for most eyes saw him cuter than his partner. I did too at first. I was ashamed of it now.

The caption on the picture, as my friend posted was "Beauty and The Beast." I was tickled at first. But then I saw a comment there, " Sorry, but IMHO, the caption "beauty and the beast" is kinda inappropriate. would rather look at it as a sweet in public hands holding act, which I believe many of us don't have privilege for that. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder."

It stroke me immediately. I realized my mind was clouded by my eyes. I was ashamed of my thought. I stopped there. I began to see the beauty. I began to see the love they showed to each other.

I scrolled again my Path page and found another post of them. The very same picture. I guessed it was re-posted. Some of the comments said that the Asian gay was 'kucing'. Kucing is Indonesian word for cat, which associated to someone who is paid for sex. It was harsh.

It was like we thought that we were better, we were better-looking than the Asian guy so that we had every right to judge him, to say bad things about him. WOW!

Have we ever wondered if we had a partner who were good looking, way better than we were, and people talked shit about us, what would we feel?

It is sad yet ironic when we believe in equality, that we are all the same, that we deserves the same thing as others, that we are all flesh and bones, we still think that good looking guys are for good looking guys, beauty girls are for handsome guys and so on.

Then I dug deeper, I wanted to know that couple. I found the Asian's instagram and found out that they had been in a relationship for more than two years. Ain't it amazing? I found it funny that those who said harsh comments were singles (no wonder, eh?).

It isn't Beauty and The Beast after all, they both are beautiful. Their love towards each other is beautiful. If we can't see the beauty, maybe we don't really understand what love is.

It isn't Love is Blind either. Love sees through flesh. Love sees hearts. Maybe it is us who are too blinded by physical appearance.   

A Peek

I realize that you guys may have no idea how I and K look like. So here it is, a peek to our lives. 

Equality Inside

Hi! How's life? How's love life? Single or taken? Whatever you are in now, I wish you all happiness. 'Coz remember, you won't be happy in a relationship if you are not happy when you are single.

So, yes, if you guys notice, I just celebrated my 2nd anniversary last Saturday. We had a quite amazing dinner at Pacific Restaurant, Ritz Carlton, Sudirman. Fancy, eh? Nope. It was free. I paid nothing. Indonesian said : "Rejeki anak soleh". Lol.

Enough bout me. I've been wanting to write this, but I just never got the whole idea. And today when I did path-walking, I saw my friend's post. He said that he was disgusted when he saw a transgender, he cringed on feminine gays. I wanted to stop my car at that moment (yes, I was driving to the office when I read this), replied on his status. I, to tell the truth, was angry.

I ever wrote this related matter, back in 2013 (you can read it here). I pointed out acceptance on others' paradigm that time. In this post I want you guys to remember how we are accepted in our community. For those who has opened up about their sexuality, I bet most of them had faced difficult times. We wanted to be treated equal. We wanted to be heard. We wanted to state that we were the same.

It's ironic because we, who had fought those narrow-minded people, are now being narrow-minded. It's your preference not to date so-called-feminine-guy, let alone transgenders, or even to befriend with them. It's okay. I respect your choices. But despising them? Oh come on. Will you be okay if someone calls you "disgusting"?

We, of all people, should know how it feels not to be treated equally, not to be treated as human being. If you believe and yet are accepted that you were born masculine gay, why can't you accept and understand others that born feminine gay? If you say that it is wrong to be feminine because we have male body, what about those straight people who say that we are wrong to have feelings for men? Who are we to judge? Who are we to despise others?

Equality comes from inside. We can't expect equality from if we still discriminate our own. Top, bottom, butch, femme, transgender, crossdressing, masculine, feminine, we are all the same.

If you are a Christian, you might want to open your bible on Matthew 7:12 : "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."


At the end, I quoted Chris Crocker, "Gay guys who hate feminine gay guys give gays a bad name. Not the other way around. The rainbow is our symbol to represent all shades in our community. Not just the masculine shade. Until you accept all those shades you don't have gay pride. You have self pride."
 
Please, stop gay on gay discrimination.

Above the Sky

"Oh God, please keep us safe. I am not ready. But let Your will be done. Whatever happens, I know it's for the best. I promise You, I'll be better man."

I repeated those words over and over last night. I was so afraid. I was frightened. I hold K hands tightly and he squeezed my hand. We both closed our eyes. We both were uptight and tense. It was maybe the scariest moment in our lives. I asked God to keep us safe over and over, I even made deal with Him. K said there was nothing we could do, so we just sat there, tucked our head down and prayed, over and over. It was the time when I knew I should surrender, to God.

***

It was 22.30, Bali time when they called us in. Our vacation was over, it was time to go back to Jakarta. I prayed to God to take care of us in our flight back home. The last accident of this airways really affected me, in bad way. I was paranoid. I was afraid, really afraid. But then I decided to go by this airways since I had bought the tickets before the accident.

It started with the take-off. I couldn't say it was smooth. I was squeezing K's hand hardly. I saw a glimpse of lighting. The turbulence really took a toll on me. When we were up there and we thought it was over, K said, "Wow, it's terrifying." I just nodded and prayed again. I tried to loosen up my grip.

But we were wrong. The turbulence didn't stop there. We could feel the airplane went up and up, maybe to avoid the heavy clouds. I closed my eyes. I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. I repeated my prayers over and over. I even made deal with God. I panicked. I was too afraid. I guess I didn't surrender enough.

The seat-belt lamp was on and off for couple times. I get more alarmed and nervous, every time it dinged on. I overheard a lady behind me whispered, saying her prayers. It was scary. I wish we arrived soon. I remember I wish we could just land at Semarang or anywhere and continue the journey by bus or train or whatever.

It was the longest 90 minutes I ever had. When the captain talked to us, telling us that though we did have some turbulence, there was nothing to worry about, I tried to loosen up. He said that we would land in 30 minutes. I moved my seating position, so I could sit more relax. But I still counted every seconds.

When we finally landed, I thanked God. I almost cried.  There was an urge to stand up and to applause the captain for landing the plane safely, but it would be too much of a scene. Then  I saw K tucked his head down. I never saw him that way. I asked, "What did you do?". "I said my gratitude." It was wow. Between I and K, I was the more paranoid one, he was the one who calmed me down. I knew K was afraid too, but I didn't think he was as afraid as I was.

Maybe I was overreacted, over paranoid. Maybe it was the ordinary turbulence. Whatever it was, I am thankful it was over. And yes, I will keep my promise to God. To be better, to be less cynical, to be more lovable.

I learned something though. I learned that surrender is not as easy as it sounds. If I surrendered, I would not be that afraid. It would be easier and I would be calmer when I surrender to God. I guess it applies to all things in life. 

Paradise

Hi Guys! How are you? I wish you all good, though it is flood everywhere, here in Jakarta.

We, I and K just got back from Bali. Yes, Bali! Spending three days at Bali was heaven. If you know how much K loves sun, you won't be surprised see his grin when we landed at Ngurah Rai Airport. The truth is, I was surprised for I didn't think it would be that wide. Lol.

We had a blast there. Thank to Grc and Mtn for taking us almost everywhere. Le Kabron, Habitual, Motel Mexicola and a coffee shop called Revolver are the place you should visit when you are in Bali.

Actually we had a photo shoot at Bali. It was unplanned. We just wanted to get a short getaway, but then a friend of us, Prt, came to me a week ago. She said that she had a friend who would love to do a photo session for a gay couple. It was 'wow'. Why not?

So it was set. On Monday, C, a wedding photographer, with Prt and their colleges, Zfn, came to our hotel. It was nice and fun. We had never had any photo session whatsoever, but C was so great. She said she was gonna send those pics to us today. Exciting! You'll be able to see those pics soon. K would share it on his instagram account I guess. Thank to C and Prt for making this happen. It was such an honor. Super really.

It was too short, spending three days at Bali. I think there would be enough time. We love Bali, I even llove the sun there. I wish I could move there soon. Maybe it won't be that soon, but definitely we'll be back.  


 

New Business and Overwhelmingly Amazed

Last November K and I went to my hometown to visit my parents and to celebrate my sister's birthday. There we went to a fabric store to buy some batik for K. It wasn't our first time. Since it was hard for us to find batik shirt that fit our bodies, we always have our batik tailored.

A couple days later, when K was taking a shower in the morning as he shouted, "Hey, why don't we sell batik?"

The idea of having our own business had been there all along, but it had never come to realization until that day. I called my mom soon after we discussed the idea. Long story short, we decided to start our business, selling batik for modern young men.

It was practically 2 months of stressed, there were some trouble with the tailor, misplaced label and so on. But finally we managed to launched @krishanbatik as we promised, yesterday on January 21st 2015, a month before our second anniversary. It was only 4 sets of Batik, but at least  we kept our promised.

What made me happier yesterday was the responses we got from our fellows. They put love on our "commercial", wished us success and even more re-path/re-gram/re-tweet it. They visited our website, they shared our facebook page, they followed our instagram. Some of them really put an effort to give us suggestion and advice. It really meant a lot for us, for me.

More over, a friend of mine, on his status said that he fell in love with our batik, though he never touched our product. He promoted our batik on his path and later he was like a spoke-person of ours. He said, "I believe the good things should be shared and recognized by others, not just for the sake of commercial purpose alone, but it is also meaningful work for them." WOW! I honestly never thought of that.

Another friend said that he was happy when he visited our website. Happy? Isn't that such a strong word? I would expect "like", but "happy"?

I am amazed. I feel appreciated. It is our business yet I feel  like everyone owns it, in a tremendous way. The stars align for us. This, again, means a lot for us, as this is our first business, our first stepping stone, it is indeed a meaningful work for us. I can't say nothing but "thank you" to all of you, to all of our friends and fellows. I do hope I can fulfill your expectation by selling good and fine batik with affordable price.

Again, thank you and have good days ahead.

In the end, please follow our instagram @krishanbatik. We have more surprises soon. Cheers!

My Time Has (Not) Come

This afternoon I had a chit-chat with a friend. I asked how his love life and he shared almost everything. He said that he met several persons. He was connected with some of them, but not physically attracted. The rest had good shapes, but were not good enough in conversation.

At the end of the conversation he thought that maybe his time (to have a relationship) hadn't come yet.

Telling the truth, how many of us do face the same reality?

Another friend of mine had ever blogged about his preference in choosing his partner. He said he met someone who was totally good in conversation, who was smart and so on, but when he saw his picture, it was such a turn off and he went away saying maybe it wasn't his time.

Is it only me to find it funny?

Isn't it funny how we believe that our time hasn't come, when we shut it out? How do we expect someone come to our lives when we never take the chances with anyone who is kind to us but doesn't meet our standard?

We often are blinded by looks, by packaging, by what meets the eye.

I am not saying that it is wrong to have preferences, but why don't we give it a shot? Not to have a relationship just yet, but to know more, to dig deeper, to give them chances before decide that we won't be happy with someone who is not in your so-called league?

My love story didn't begin with a perfect guy came to my life. It began with two opened hearts. It began with taking a leap of faith, for both of us.