Coming Out Again

Yesterday I got a shocking news about my friends. They got a really big problem in their small family. Long story short, Iistened to the wife's story. I won't tell you what the problem is, it is not my liberty to say. What I am telling you is in our conversation, I came out to her. It was my 5th coming out to a friend.

"Is your partner a male?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just a guess. But you don't have to tell me. But if it is, then congrats. Gender is not that important."

Cool, eh?

Then today, I had a conversation with her husband. He told me that he knew. He was a good friend of mine. But because of our business, we drew apart. 

"Thanks for not keeping a distance from me." I said.

"I never thought I would keep distance from you. I hate you didn't tell me. But yeah, I don't blame you."

Cool? 

I still had that fast-beating-heart, when I typed my coming out sentence though it wasn't my first time. I guess I will always have that. 

And I still had those relieved feelings. It is always nice to have those acceptance.

I was wrong because I thought they couldn't accept me. Turned out that they would be okay with who I am. 

I will keep coming out I guess. Lol.

When They Doubt You

I wrote this poem in Indonesian couple years back. I wrote this based on what I felt at that moment. In this world, sometimes we believe in something beautiful that people may not understand. People doesn't believe in us, especially in our kind of love.

Phil Collins's song, You'll Be In My Heart may describes better, that people may not understand what we feel, they may not trust what they can't explain, we may different, but deep inside us, we are not different at all.

It's on us to make them see, to make them realize that we love as they love. So here it is.

They Ask   

They ask if there're tears
or it's just a fracturing smile that inspires desire
A lysed dream may never reach the stars
But the heave of this symphony are timeless

They ask if there's laughter
or it's just an eternal sore wound
A beam of hope may not carve aeon
But this faith sends away our loneliness

They ask if certainty will come
or love will fade away bitten by time?
A stanza may not satisfy them
But this love ain't merely vain

They ask, we leap our dreams and tone
They ask, we carve faith and hope
They ask, we weave love and stories
In the end of the time, they will ask
'Can we be like them?'

It's Your Choice

I believe that love is deeper than physical look. It looks into someone's heart. It reaches inside.


But physical appearance is somehow important, moreover on your first meeting with someone you like. Come on, people won't see your heart on their first glance. They won't understand your goodness on the first time they see you. They see what you provide them to see. They see what is in front of them. And undeniably, they judge you, even in the smallest scale of judgment.

When you like someone, you'll hope for the second meeting, the third meeting, and so on. So you have to make a good impression on the first one. Some people will give you a second chance, or maybe when you are lucky, a third chance, but it's not on you, it's on them. What you can do, what is in your control, is make them impressed by you. Having a good talk will do, a good laugh will do. But again, it's not the very first impression. What's the first then? Of course, your appearance.

It's like food plating, you make a good presentation of food so people will eager to taste it. You won't even try a good food when it's not well presented. Food plating is about how you stimulate one's appetite.

The concept is the same. You are the food. You present yourself in a good way so people are attracted to get to know you better, so they are stimulated more to try digging you deeper.

You can't expect people to see you again when you are smelly on the first meeting, or you wear your two-sized-bigger-yesterday-t-shirt or your worn-out shoes. You can't blame them by quoting "don't judge the book by its cover". It's our nature to judge, and it's your choice to determine the way you'll be judged.  

Born This Way

I always believe that I was born this way. I was born with narrow eyes. I was born Chinese. I was born with straight yet wavy hair. I was born gay.

It is my understanding. Again, it is what I believe. But apparently not for some people, especially on this sexual matter.

"I think it's a choice. Everyone is potentially homosexual. And you have the power to choose. It's fine with me, because every one has his right to choose, like you choose your religion. You were not born Christian, nor Moslem. Your family were Christian, and you grew Christian, but you can always choose to be Moslem or Buddhis or even Atheis."

"It's only a trend. Once you'll realize that you choose the wrong path. And you will be straight again."

If you had the time to read "Why Puberty" that were withdrawn from bookstores, you would see that it was stated that we choose our sexuality. It said that we had to respect each other's choice.

Well, it's contradictory to what I believe. I was sad when I heard those statements. It was like I was not understood. They may not understand that we'd fought ourselves, to be someone else, to be someone we are not. They don't understand the distress of accepting self. But then I realized that it was not the point. Well, I am not saying that educate people that homosexuality is not a choice is not important. It's just maybe it is not the time, yet. It's a step that we should take later on.

Though it is the same, that we were born both gay and white, it's easier to understand that our skin color is not a choice. We have to advise that it is not easy to grasp. Gay movement is stronger nowadays, so people might think that it is today's trend. But at least, they understand our 'choice'.     

Today, we should be thankful that, at the very least, they are willing to accept us, to hug us as human beings, to treat us like they treat others. It's already a progress. 

 

Coming Out (Part 2)

Been more than a year since I wrote this Coming Out (Part 1), and I never had a chance (or willingness) to write the second part.

Like I said, coming out for me is not only about myself. It's also about my family. I also said that they deserved the truth. But, will the truth make their life harder?

Sometimes I think that I am selfish, coming out to my family. It's like I demand them to embrace my being gay, without thinking how it will affect their lives. Honestly I had never given it a thought before I came out, until someone was approaching my sister. He was nice and okay. But we never knew whether he would be okay with who I am. Well, my sister will have her own family, and it is important, at least for her, that her future husband accepts me. It is a burden somehow for her, I think, finding a nice guy ain't easy, let alone finding a right partner that can accept his brother for who he really is.

Maybe I over think. When I asked my sister about it, she said that as long as I was okay, she would be okay. She said that she felt fine having a gay brother, that it wouldn't affect her life as much as I thought.

I don't know what future brings. I am sorry that I've made her life a bit harder. I just can wish that whoever her partner is, he has a big heart and an open mind.

I am not trying to scare you guys. What I am trying to say is there will be consequences. Consequences that not only you, but the members of your family, perhaps, will carry for the rest of your and their lives when you decide to come out.

The question is, "is it worth?"

In my case, I didn't know those consequences. But if I were given a chance to turn back time, I would just do the same. This guilty feeling of mine will always be there. It was bad at the beginning, but it will just fade away as life goes, as my sister's love life turn to be just fine, hopefully.

Common People Questions

I was blog-walking when I found this blog, (gaykampung.blogspot.com) and one of his posts intriqued me. That he was asked by his friend to fill up a questionnaire. There are twenty something questions that I'd like to share. These questions were asked by (maybe) a straight person, who has no idea what gay is. So here we go:

When did you feel there's a change in yourself?

I refuse to call it a change. I'd rather call it "difference". Since I was a kid.

 

What is your foundation stating that you are gay?

Well, I like guys.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Yes.

Have you ever been hurt by a woman so that it made you afraid to fall in love with one?

As pathetic as this question    sounds, NO!

Have you ever had sex with a guy?

Really?

Have you ever tried to change yourself? By dating a girl for instance?

Yes.

Is there any difficulties finding a partner in gay world?

Do you find it easy finding a partner in "normal" world?

There's a regulation in Indonesia that forbid same sex marriage, what do you think?

I simply have no expectation on it. But it can change. People are more open minded these days. The transformation is happening, right now, this very second.

Have you ever dreamt of having kids? And how you deal with it with your gay status?

Every second. Well, I can adopt or surrogate. But I don't think I am ready to find my kids go home from school crying, telling me that they are bullied because they have two dads instead of a so-called-normal family. Maybe, I will have kids when the environment is supportive enough. Soon, I hope.

Is it correct things to do, your gay activities, since none of your family, your friends, your country is supportive and it is wrong religiously?

What activities? I work, I pray, I laugh, I eat, I go to movies as normal people do. I don't rape, I don't steal, I don't kill people. My family and my close friend support me enough. My country? We'll see.

How is your family condition? Are you coming from a broken home one?

My family is fine. My dad and mom fight like every other family. But they do love each other. They are still together.

Do your family and friends know about your being gay?

Yep. People that matters to me do.

Have you ever thought of going back to normal? Why? Why not? What have you done to accomplish it?

Going back? I don't think I've ever been normal, but if you ask me if I wanted to be normal, I did. Because I thought my mom would be happier if I were "normal".

Are you comfortable with who you are now?

100%

Is there any event that makes you gay?

No, and I don't believe there's such things. We were just born this way.

How do you feel when you look around and see your normal friends live normal lives? Don't you want to be like them?

For having kids and being accepted by society, yes, I want those privileges. But for who I am and whom I love, I think I’m doing fine.

What is your motivation in not willing to be “recovered”?

            Simple. I am not sick.

What do you want to accomplish by being gay? Do you get any satisfaction?

I don’t choose to be gay. If I asked you what you want to accomplish by being straight, you would laugh at me, because you know you don’t choose to be one.

What is your religion? Don’t you feel guilty for what you’ve done?

I am a Christian. Like I said, what have I done? By being gay? Do you feel guilty for being black? Or being Caucasian?

For me, Christianity is about love. Our savior taught us to love one another. It is the main law of Christianity. Sin and wickedness is human interpretation about what is written in the bible. Let God decides.

What do you expect from your friends when they find out about you?

            It will be nice if they accept me for who I am. But I won’t force them to.

Does family factors play part in the occurrence of gay?

            Like I said, I don’t believe that.

Do you feel comfortable enough as a gay?

            I do.

           

Is it your choice to be gay? Or don’t you want to be gay?

It ain’t a choice. I think there's nothing to do with what I want, it is about how I accept who I really am.

How do you socialize in your daily activity? Does it need to be hidden?

            Do you tell all people you meet that you are straight?

Do gay have their own community? Are you in those communities?

            I believe we do. I won’t say that I am.

What is the benefit of being gay?

This is interesting. You can see that I dress better than most straight. I’m more creative than most of them. I understand men and women more. Hahahaha…

           

Is there anybody that influence you to be gay?

            No. It is once again, not a choice.

Do you think we can cure gays?

            Can you cure healthy people?   

My Solitude

Few weeks ago, I was blogwalking and I found this Archway Test. It said that my path was quiet, with definition as followed:

You value solitude in all aspects of your life. You can spends large periods of time alone without feeling lonely. Your ideal path is one that is very still and quiet. You want to absorb everything around you without feeling overwhelmed. You seek meaning in every aspect of life. And you live very deliberately - both in action and in thought. You don't like crowds, but you do like people. You value authentic relationships, and you prefer the depth of one on one interaction. 

I thought it was right. Talking about seek meaning in every aspect of life, well it is so me. You can see in my blog here, that I tend to find a reason for everything, that every thing that happen to me is meaningful, happen for reason.  

About four weeks ago, K asked me to try a body balance class at gym. He did ask me before over and over. But you know me, I am a shy person, I don't do first time by myself, at some point. So it was Saturday and K accompanied me to join body balance class at gym where I usually work out.

Turned out I enjoyed it so much. I like the tai-chi moves, I love the yoga, I even crave for the pilates. I am in love with body balance. And linking it to the path I talked before, maybe body balance is one of my solitude. It's like I find peace in me. 

My body was so damn stiff, especially my back. My hands can't reach my feet when I bend over. Crap, let alone my feet, I can't even reach my shanks. Pathetic, ain't it? But last night, my hands touched my shins, they almost  reached my feet. Wow! Another benefit of joining body balance class.

I was embarrassed because my body was too rigid to do simple pose. But now, I don't care. I join this class so I can relax my body and my mind, so I can flex my stiff body.

K ever said this to me, "When you come into the class, there will always be someone who is so flexible, who is advance doing poses. But no worries, we will be at that point, no rush, because every and each one of us has different flexibility. It is only a matter of time."

To be honest, I don't love working out. I am not really into it. It is somehow boring for me. My mind always tries to find a way to skip gym. But I push myself so I will have a healthier and a better-look body. Now, I love going to gym, to come to my cubbyhole. Well, I still do weigh-lifting. But this body balance adds some spice to it. I will join Yoga classes soon.
 
So yes, body balance is my solitude, and it is my way of living a healthier live.