A Letter from A Pastor

Earlier today, I was talking to my friend via whatsapp. He suddenly asked me if I was gay because he saw a picture of mine on instagram that indicated I was one. Once I admitted, he was so supportive. Long story short, he said that he emailed his pastor (which used to be mine too) about this. He then forwarded his reply to me.

I like to share this letter for it has been a blessing to me. I wish it could be yours too.

Dear E, 
Thank you for your email. LGBT indeed is a very complex matter. I happen to do more research on this subject in my doctoral studies (on pastoral liturgy for marginalized groups, which necessarily involves LGBT).

Our church does not have same view about this matter, because many pastors do not get enough information. I learned a lot after several studies in these recent years. Previously, as other pastor would say, when I was asked about LGBT, I would give a "standard answer" which roughly says: LGBT should be celibate because Christianity only permits sexual relations in marriage.

But upon closer examination to see the standpoint of psychology, sociology, and also a more progressive theology, we will see that we can not judge LGBT based on our standards. The cause of being LGBT is debatable (some say because of the nature, partly due to nurture, others say it's combination of both). But clearly, for a gay/lesbian, same-sex attraction is not lifestyle nor life choices. If they could, they certainly would not choose to live as gays, because it was miserable. They can not change who they are. Even if there are few who claim to be able to change, occurs that he/she is a bisexual. Until a few years ago (before 2011), Evangelicals churches in America tried to "cure" gay with so-called "reparative therapy" or "conversion therapy." Those LGBT people were put into camp/special retreat to be changed. It had gone for decades, and the largest was held by "Exodus Ministry", and finally three years ago they shut the program down and apologized, because it did not work. It couldn't change people's sex orientation.

So, about your friend, you should not judge that he sinned, and need to repent, or anything like that. It would be better to be a friend who is willing to listen and to understand. If he wants, he can come to LGBT seminar in our church, next October. I once brought a seminar on LGBT for our church assemblies, but I am not sure if the papers is suitable for him. For it is better to be explained rather than just to be read and then lead to misunderstanding. It is also possible to give him my contact, he can talk directly to me. Although I may not be able to answer emails every day, because of  a lot of work :-)

My personal view, after studying more than 2 years, it is okay to be gay. The important thing, whether gay or straight, is we both need to do the best we can to glorify God and to be a blessing. I think God never requires us to change what we can not change. God never asks a black man to become a white man. Or demands barren to have children. Unless in our lives, God makes miracles. But from the beginning until now, most people do not get miracle. So what is asked from us is to live as well as possible with what is, with what we can. 
Okay, that's it for now.
 
Greetings to all of you there,
J.

****

I accept myself for who I am, I embrace my sexuality and I live as "normal" people. But there is always one thing that comes to my mind now and then, "Does God bless me for being gay?". Well, I am not saying that I wasn't blessed. But I kinda need something spiritually that somehow says 'it's okay to be gay'. Clearly I can't find it in the bible.

I was raised Christian, so most of the times, I would try to convince myself that love is the first and foremost law of Christianity. 

Reading his email was such a relief. It amazed me in every way possible. It is what I need, reassuring facts, in the paradigm of Christianity (by someone like him).

Two to Tango

We have heard so many stories about couple who say that they have successful relationship because they share many things in common. They collects figurines, they are philatelist, they are attracted to same style of fashion, they love rock 'n roll, they hike together, they travel to eat, they dig photography and so on and so on.

It is believed that we have to share same things with our partner to have a good relationship.

We find ourselves attracted to people who love the same thing. We are attracted to people who have same values of life.We blend with people who have the same taste in almost everything. Lovely? Sure! K and I love to watch movies. And it surely is fun to watch movies together, with your loved one.

But. Yes, it is a big but. At some point,  we will find that we are not that same, we are two different people.

We were born unique. We were born with different DNA. We lived our childhood in different society. We were raised differently. We were shaped differently by our culture.

We learn that our partner loves Celine Dion while we cry for Mariah Carey. We learn that our partner loves kids when we love our career. We learn that our partner is a plan-person when we are more to happy-go-lucky-person. The list surely doesn't stop there.

This is the point where relationship gets hard. I find that my partner is super ignorant. It's not that he doesn't love me, I know he does. But he just doesn't pay attention to details while I do. And when he asks me the same things over and over, it frustrates me. At some level, it annoys me a lot.

For this simple case, I can really get tired. But then, it's his nature. Again, we can't expect our partner to change. They were shaped that way for you know how long. When my head, instead my heart, takes over the control, I focus myself to be in his shoes. I realize that he is not who I am.We are two different people.

Again, it's not a common sense that our same hobbies are not the reason why we have successful relationship. But it's true. Our same point of view won't make our relationship lasts forever. It's our compromise that do.


Couple times ago, I wrote on my path this quote, "The best thing to have a relationship with someone who is totally different with you is you can widen your view. You learn to see things beyond your paradigm. You learn to put your feet on someone's else shoes. It's okay not to have many things in common with your loved one. It's compromise that matters."

And if I may add, beyond all, you have to share the same dreams. Imagine you and your partner are in the same boat. Both of you have to have the same final destination. There will be many ways to go to your final destination. You can go right, you can go left, you may fight with your partner about the way you wanna go through. Your compromise of each other's direction is important., so you can work your way out. But if the destination is not the same, then you can be sure that you won't go anywhere.   

Love Sees Through

Last weekend I was scrolling down my Path page when I saw a picture of a interracial gay couple, one guy was definitely an Asian, while his partner was Caucasian. It was clear on the picture that the Caucasian guy attracted more eyes. It was understandable for most eyes saw him cuter than his partner. I did too at first. I was ashamed of it now.

The caption on the picture, as my friend posted was "Beauty and The Beast." I was tickled at first. But then I saw a comment there, " Sorry, but IMHO, the caption "beauty and the beast" is kinda inappropriate. would rather look at it as a sweet in public hands holding act, which I believe many of us don't have privilege for that. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder."

It stroke me immediately. I realized my mind was clouded by my eyes. I was ashamed of my thought. I stopped there. I began to see the beauty. I began to see the love they showed to each other.

I scrolled again my Path page and found another post of them. The very same picture. I guessed it was re-posted. Some of the comments said that the Asian gay was 'kucing'. Kucing is Indonesian word for cat, which associated to someone who is paid for sex. It was harsh.

It was like we thought that we were better, we were better-looking than the Asian guy so that we had every right to judge him, to say bad things about him. WOW!

Have we ever wondered if we had a partner who were good looking, way better than we were, and people talked shit about us, what would we feel?

It is sad yet ironic when we believe in equality, that we are all the same, that we deserves the same thing as others, that we are all flesh and bones, we still think that good looking guys are for good looking guys, beauty girls are for handsome guys and so on.

Then I dug deeper, I wanted to know that couple. I found the Asian's instagram and found out that they had been in a relationship for more than two years. Ain't it amazing? I found it funny that those who said harsh comments were singles (no wonder, eh?).

It isn't Beauty and The Beast after all, they both are beautiful. Their love towards each other is beautiful. If we can't see the beauty, maybe we don't really understand what love is.

It isn't Love is Blind either. Love sees through flesh. Love sees hearts. Maybe it is us who are too blinded by physical appearance.   

A Peek

I realize that you guys may have no idea how I and K look like. So here it is, a peek to our lives. 

Equality Inside

Hi! How's life? How's love life? Single or taken? Whatever you are in now, I wish you all happiness. 'Coz remember, you won't be happy in a relationship if you are not happy when you are single.

So, yes, if you guys notice, I just celebrated my 2nd anniversary last Saturday. We had a quite amazing dinner at Pacific Restaurant, Ritz Carlton, Sudirman. Fancy, eh? Nope. It was free. I paid nothing. Indonesian said : "Rejeki anak soleh". Lol.

Enough bout me. I've been wanting to write this, but I just never got the whole idea. And today when I did path-walking, I saw my friend's post. He said that he was disgusted when he saw a transgender, he cringed on feminine gays. I wanted to stop my car at that moment (yes, I was driving to the office when I read this), replied on his status. I, to tell the truth, was angry.

I ever wrote this related matter, back in 2013 (you can read it here). I pointed out acceptance on others' paradigm that time. In this post I want you guys to remember how we are accepted in our community. For those who has opened up about their sexuality, I bet most of them had faced difficult times. We wanted to be treated equal. We wanted to be heard. We wanted to state that we were the same.

It's ironic because we, who had fought those narrow-minded people, are now being narrow-minded. It's your preference not to date so-called-feminine-guy, let alone transgenders, or even to befriend with them. It's okay. I respect your choices. But despising them? Oh come on. Will you be okay if someone calls you "disgusting"?

We, of all people, should know how it feels not to be treated equally, not to be treated as human being. If you believe and yet are accepted that you were born masculine gay, why can't you accept and understand others that born feminine gay? If you say that it is wrong to be feminine because we have male body, what about those straight people who say that we are wrong to have feelings for men? Who are we to judge? Who are we to despise others?

Equality comes from inside. We can't expect equality from if we still discriminate our own. Top, bottom, butch, femme, transgender, crossdressing, masculine, feminine, we are all the same.

If you are a Christian, you might want to open your bible on Matthew 7:12 : "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."


At the end, I quoted Chris Crocker, "Gay guys who hate feminine gay guys give gays a bad name. Not the other way around. The rainbow is our symbol to represent all shades in our community. Not just the masculine shade. Until you accept all those shades you don't have gay pride. You have self pride."
 
Please, stop gay on gay discrimination.

Above the Sky

"Oh God, please keep us safe. I am not ready. But let Your will be done. Whatever happens, I know it's for the best. I promise You, I'll be better man."

I repeated those words over and over last night. I was so afraid. I was frightened. I hold K hands tightly and he squeezed my hand. We both closed our eyes. We both were uptight and tense. It was maybe the scariest moment in our lives. I asked God to keep us safe over and over, I even made deal with Him. K said there was nothing we could do, so we just sat there, tucked our head down and prayed, over and over. It was the time when I knew I should surrender, to God.

***

It was 22.30, Bali time when they called us in. Our vacation was over, it was time to go back to Jakarta. I prayed to God to take care of us in our flight back home. The last accident of this airways really affected me, in bad way. I was paranoid. I was afraid, really afraid. But then I decided to go by this airways since I had bought the tickets before the accident.

It started with the take-off. I couldn't say it was smooth. I was squeezing K's hand hardly. I saw a glimpse of lighting. The turbulence really took a toll on me. When we were up there and we thought it was over, K said, "Wow, it's terrifying." I just nodded and prayed again. I tried to loosen up my grip.

But we were wrong. The turbulence didn't stop there. We could feel the airplane went up and up, maybe to avoid the heavy clouds. I closed my eyes. I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. I repeated my prayers over and over. I even made deal with God. I panicked. I was too afraid. I guess I didn't surrender enough.

The seat-belt lamp was on and off for couple times. I get more alarmed and nervous, every time it dinged on. I overheard a lady behind me whispered, saying her prayers. It was scary. I wish we arrived soon. I remember I wish we could just land at Semarang or anywhere and continue the journey by bus or train or whatever.

It was the longest 90 minutes I ever had. When the captain talked to us, telling us that though we did have some turbulence, there was nothing to worry about, I tried to loosen up. He said that we would land in 30 minutes. I moved my seating position, so I could sit more relax. But I still counted every seconds.

When we finally landed, I thanked God. I almost cried.  There was an urge to stand up and to applause the captain for landing the plane safely, but it would be too much of a scene. Then  I saw K tucked his head down. I never saw him that way. I asked, "What did you do?". "I said my gratitude." It was wow. Between I and K, I was the more paranoid one, he was the one who calmed me down. I knew K was afraid too, but I didn't think he was as afraid as I was.

Maybe I was overreacted, over paranoid. Maybe it was the ordinary turbulence. Whatever it was, I am thankful it was over. And yes, I will keep my promise to God. To be better, to be less cynical, to be more lovable.

I learned something though. I learned that surrender is not as easy as it sounds. If I surrendered, I would not be that afraid. It would be easier and I would be calmer when I surrender to God. I guess it applies to all things in life. 

Paradise

Hi Guys! How are you? I wish you all good, though it is flood everywhere, here in Jakarta.

We, I and K just got back from Bali. Yes, Bali! Spending three days at Bali was heaven. If you know how much K loves sun, you won't be surprised see his grin when we landed at Ngurah Rai Airport. The truth is, I was surprised for I didn't think it would be that wide. Lol.

We had a blast there. Thank to Grc and Mtn for taking us almost everywhere. Le Kabron, Habitual, Motel Mexicola and a coffee shop called Revolver are the place you should visit when you are in Bali.

Actually we had a photo shoot at Bali. It was unplanned. We just wanted to get a short getaway, but then a friend of us, Prt, came to me a week ago. She said that she had a friend who would love to do a photo session for a gay couple. It was 'wow'. Why not?

So it was set. On Monday, C, a wedding photographer, with Prt and their colleges, Zfn, came to our hotel. It was nice and fun. We had never had any photo session whatsoever, but C was so great. She said she was gonna send those pics to us today. Exciting! You'll be able to see those pics soon. K would share it on his instagram account I guess. Thank to C and Prt for making this happen. It was such an honor. Super really.

It was too short, spending three days at Bali. I think there would be enough time. We love Bali, I even llove the sun there. I wish I could move there soon. Maybe it won't be that soon, but definitely we'll be back.