Segen and Boden - Part 1

BODEN

I hated when he was cranky. He criticized everything I did. He would annoyingly complain on how unclean I was in washing dishes, how untidy I arranged those plates, how I left everything for having my me-time with my instagram. I guessed he didn't know how I loved to see those bodies in Instagram. Segen? Other than his round tummy, he had nothing to be proud of.

It's been 4 years now. Yesterday was our anniversary, which of course I forgot. He pretended that he was okay, while I knew he wasn't. My mind was on something else, er, someone else. I once loved Segen. I didn't know if I still did. It had been a tiring relationship. We fought a lot, often for simple things. I met Offen last year, on gay apps, which I never met. We flirted here and there, but since it was going nowhere, I didn't text him anymore. Until yesterday. He said he was visiting my town the day after, and he wanted to meet me, and to have sex with me.

...

It was couple days after Christmas. I drove north, to meet someone, to satisfy my appetite. I told Segen that I would be a bit late since traffic was really bad. I always had this fantasy, to be a master in sex, to have slave on my own. I could never do that to Segen, he was not that kind of guy, that he always wants to have romance in sex. The hell, I'd been doing that for 3 fucking years. 

Anyway, it was a quick sex. I told him, the other guy, I hardly remembered, that it was one time thing. I drove back to pick up Segen, and it was just like the other night.

...

Segen was asleep when I was getting ready for my morning run. When I was on my way out he shouted, "Have fun!" I replied, "Thanks, I will". He didn't know that I would be, of course in a different way he could imagined, of course it was one time thing, again.

...

"Hi!"
"Come in. Good to see you," a tiny guy welcomed me at his hotel door.
"Are you drunk?" I kinda smelled alcohol.
"Kinda, do you mind?" and he kissed me.

I spent another hour trying to have sex, but he was too drunk to do that.

"Come back tomorrow, I'll spend another night."

...

Yes, long story short, we had sex the day after. It was super good. I dominated him. I enslaved him, sexually. It will be too much if I blabber everything here, LOL. And he did everyting I asked him to do. I loved this power I had over him. It was one time thing, until....


SEGEN

"Can you be nice to me? And not being mad at me over and over?"
"I can, but..." I wondered why he asked me this repeatedly, I told him many times, it was like he didn't listen, "I was mad for reasons..."
"I know," Boden replied, "but that's who I am."

This conversation happened on daily basis. Boden complained on how often I got mad on silly things, while I was being defensive for I did because of what he did. It was like never ending fights.

I was not comfortable with this relationship. I was angry everytime. Not sad, but angry. I didn't know why I stayed, maybe just because I didn't want to be alone.

We barely had sex anymore. And if we did, it was never good, not as good as it was before.

I was tired, physically and mentally. I wasn't happy. And I tried to be until that day. That day, some day in May, Boden said that he wanted to end this relationship. That he wanted to be alone, that he dreamt to be alone.

We discussed to split the money, the house and everything we owned together. It was fine at first for I thought I wanted that too.

The reality kicked in an hour later. The fact that I was single hit me hard. That was the moment that I knew I still loved him. I cried. Hard I guessed. Boden hugged me tight, he told me that he hated seeing me like that. He said he changed his mind, he wanted to be with me, he would try harder to keep this relationship. 

It was a wake up call to me. I started to see things differently, I started to change my behaviour, I tried to manage my anger. It was actually good. I was happier. And our relationship was getting better, or at least that was what I thought.

Are You Afraid?

It’s been a while that K wanted to curl his hair, but his hair is not long enough and he has his doubt for his office mates are those conservatives ones. 

About 4 or 5 months ago, I decided to curl my hair. I gave it a lot of thought for it would be a big change. And finally I did it. I was not confident about how I looked at the first days. Some friends made joke about my curly hair. Some of the jokes were harsh, even for me. I try not to listen, but I kept listening to their words and I laughed with them, pretending that I enjoyed all of the “funny” words, while doubting myself at the same time.

“You look like my auntie! LOL.”

“Those hair is messy. Were you just hit by a truck? Bahahahaha.”

“Have you combed your hair?”

“Is that pubes? ROFL.”

“Do you call that style?"

The mock didn’t stop. I heard it everywhere I went. People who had known me always had something to say, which mostly were not nice, about it or made fun of it. Sometimes I wanted to defend myself, for those who said harsh words usually had that Andy-Lau-looks, if you know what I mean.

I still hear those jokes now and then, I still hear how people say bad things toward my hair. The difference is I don’t listen to those anymore.

The thing is, we can’t please anybody. And it should not stop us for being who we are or doing what we like to do, as long as it doesn’t harm others. 

People tend not to accept what they don’t understand or what’s new to them, and it’s not our job to make them understand. It is their homework to adapt for change. You should not let people dictate how you look, how you dress, how you live your life, how you love nor be bothered of what they say about it. They will always judge, they will always laugh because of our differences, but we are not them, we don’t live their lives as they don’t live ours. 

So as I told K that Saturday morning, “If you are afraid of what people might say about you, you’ll never be who you really are.”

Words Terrorist

Hey!

How are you guys? Hope everything’s going well for all of you.

Been 18 days since new year, eh? New resolution, new spirit, new boyfriend? Hahahaha….

Looking back to 2015, I realised I was edgy, uneasy, tense, and critical. I was easily annoyed with what others did that crossed my path. I was agitated when people did the opposite of how I enjoyed this life.

I used to believe that I voiced my thought, of what I believed was the truth. I criticised others and might hurt someone in the process. I thought it was for a greater good. I was too proud to admit though it was the right thing to do, it wasn’t always good, that it didn’t always end well. Like I said, people might get hurt in the process.

With my sharp words, I tried to change what people believed. I didn’t respect their paradigms for I thought mine was better. Aside from right or wrong, for it is very subjective, every and each person has his right to own way of life. And I forgot that. I took cover behind the ‘for a greater good’ cause. The question is, whose greater good?

 

Putting it this way, I really sound like those terrorists, eh? 

And it is true. I wasn’t that different from them. I hurt people to make them believe what I believe. Not with bombs nor guns, but with my sentences. 

So yes, it is one of my resolution this year. I will keep voicing my version of truth, I will keep speaking my mind with a little change on how I do it. I have to respect that others also has their own paradigms, that they believe it to their bones. 

A fresh start then…. 

Happy Belated New Year!

The Perks of Living Together

Last weekend, K and I met with an old friend. We were having chat over coffee when suddenly he asked me for he saw my phone which I put on the table.
"Wow, you guys are still using Grindr and Jack'd. Is that okay?"

Looking back to two years ago, I wasn't fond of this idea, allowing my partner using those apps, at first. I was a bit insecure, knowing my better-half's reputation at that time, a flamboyant kind of person, LOL. When I brought this up, he said that if someone wanted to cheat, there were many ways to do so, even without using those apps. I learned to trust him. Using Grindr nor Jack'd had never been issues in our relationships since then.  Well, we don't know what future brings, our trust may backfire someday, he may find someone more attractive than I am, or I will fall for someone else that I meet on those apps. But we both agree, it's only a  POSSIBILITY, and over-worrying on something that isn't happening, or has not happened yet, or may never happen, is tiring, don't you think? Some says it is a preventive act. Well, what to prevent? I believe life has its own agenda, whether we like it or not, if it's meant to be, it will happen no matter what.

Of course it can not be applied on each and every relationship. For ours, we think it's better this way, by allowing each other using those apps, we grow our trust toward each other.

And then he asked again, "Aren't you guys jealous to each other?"

This question hit me. Ha! I had no reason to get jealous. I go wherever my better half goes, most of the time. We spend almost every minute together, literally. He has close friends that he talks to everyday, but they are his friends. I can't really find any reason to be jealous towards others but his phone, I guess, for he spends more time with his phone than with me. Haha!

"Well, aren't you bored to each other, seeing each other everyday?"

The word 'bored' never crossed our minds. Really. Simply I answered, "Do you find it boring living with your family?"

Thinking of all his questions, I came to conclusion that what all I have now is merely the perks of living together. It would be different if we lived separately, perhaps. I guess I'll never know.

My Two Penn'orth

In a WhatsApp group, I was involved in gay topic. I and my high school friends, whom I wasn't out to, talked about the trending topic which was gay marriage in Bali. 

I only observed the conversation at first without any intention to be involved in that chit chat. Their opinions were as I expected. One of them referred to Sodom and Gomorrah, common guidelines that is often used to oppose gays.

A friend of mine, Er, the only one who knew I was gay, challenged them:

Er : What we should do towards them (gays)?

B : No tolerance. 

Er : In what way? What would you do to them in real life?

B : Well, I'll let them be. I don't want them to flirt with me. 

I just smiled and continued my observation.

Then B said that it wasn't normal to be gay, psychologically. Being friend with an undergraduate in psychology, I knew that gay wasn't abnormal for in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder. 

I was intriqued to bring out this thing, but I was afraid. But hell, I felt like I had to do it, I had to speak up and I did. I told them what I knew that gay had been declassified as abnormal in psychological study. And I got various responses.

F : If someday, bestiality, by consensus is also declassified as mental illness, would it be normal too?

R : If it's normal, what will happen with procreation? What will happen with the population if 70% of the people are gays?

I was stunned. Breathing out, I replied, "Well, I think we are talking in different views, while I look at it on psychological paradigm, you see it in terms of morality, or population. It's like combining Genesis and Darwin's theory."

I stopped there. The debate, for me, it's over. Not that I didn't have the argumentation of both morality and population view, but I felt it was useless for it had extended to God knows where.

Er told me in private chat that they took the easy way out. Their opinion weren't risky. They were "go-with-the-flow" opinions. This matter somehow has no effect in their lives, he continued. 

I guess he was right. 

It's true that many times in my life, I went where the current took me, just to be safe, to be netral. The easy way out. Is it okay? Well, the real question isn't whether it's okay or not. The real question is if your conscience says "Yes" or "No" and you tell otherwise because it's somewhat majority, so you will be safe, no harm whatsoever, won't you regret it in the future, not to say what you believe in? 

This afternoon I read about Bali's Governor's reaction towards the gay marriage in Bali. For me, his reaction was "normal". I didn't know what he believed in, but it was just safe. 

I love to get involved in debates, not to win the debates, but to express what I believe, so my "opponent" know my rationale.

Maybe it is only my two penn'orth, but who knows? It may bring a slight change in this cruel world.

This is Indonesia

I just watched the 10th episode of web series CONQ. You can watch it here. It was good for it really showed us the truth that happened in our society.

But I don't wanna talk about the entire show. I want to highlight when Timo said, "Ini Indonesia". In my perception, "Ini Indonesia" represents Indonesian that can't and won't accept gay marriage, Indonesian that are shallow-minded, Indonesian that are so-called deeply religious. In this context, Timo were givin' up (before he tried). One of the reasons (or excuse) was "Ini Indonesia."

In my point of view, what Timo said was, "I am gay, I will marry a girl, because I live in Indonesia whose people are shallow minded and marriage equality are never going to happen".


In our daily lives, how many times have we ever said "Ini Indonesia" for our excuses. Every thing that is wrong, like corruption, shallow-minded people, bad politics, littering, child trafficking, animal cruelty and so many things, will be excusable when we say, "Ini Indonesia."

Two things:

One, we give up before we try. We know what's right, we know how bad thing is, but we stay silent. We consider it as normal things. We do nothing but complain. Like I said in my previous post, "when we know something is wrong, but we do nothing, it is our way to say that we agree with that wrong things." But then, some people say that it is not easy to make a change. Well, of course. Marriage equality in States didn't happen in one day. Even instant noodles needs to be prepared before it is served. You can't have instant noodle cooked by your thought. Unless you can do telekinetic, but then there is still some effort to do that, at least you think it. You are gay, you marry a girl and yet you expect for marriage equality. Ironic.


Two, we blame anything else but us for our decision.When we decide to marry a woman, it's about us and our thought, it's not about Indonesia and Indonesian people's way of thinking. We can't say "I can't marry my boyfriend because it is Indonesia." We can't marry our boyfriend because we are making Indonesia as our excuse. We are not brave enough to chase our happiness. I am not saying that we can't marry a girl if we are gay. All I am saying is just stop making excuse, stop blaming anybody else or any condition, and start live our decision. Whatever decision we make, it's on us. It's not on our parents', it's not on Indonesia's.

Creating Moments and Enjoying Them

This morning I had a conversation with a friend. Unlike us, he and his boyfriend are not openly gays. He told me that when the time comes, he might marry a girl, for the sake of his parents.

Our conversation is as followed:
H : Hey, you said couple days ago that you were gonna marry a girl if your parents ask you to because you haven't told your parents, and you will not tell them that you are gay. Humor me then, why are you having a relationship with a guy now?
I : Well, I hope I would be like you guys, staying together, opening a business....
H : But then, you will still marry a girl.
I : Unfortunately, yes. I love my parents more than I love myself.
H : I do understand that. But whatever you have, or will have, with your boyfriend has to be ended when you marry a girl, right? Then what's the point?
I : Who knows what comes next?
H : Nobody, there's no guarantee. But it's like you put your life on faith. (I wasn't satisfied with his answers, so I kept pushing)
I : It's complicated. But I'm not a guy who focuses on the ending. I always tell my better half to enjoy the process. So we are creating moments. We try to enjoy those moments while we still can.


Though I don't totally agree with his paradigm, because it seems to me that there's no goal to fight for and it's kinda sad for me, he got me there when he said he was creating moments. I realized that I always focused on the ending, I am the one who try to find as much certainty as I can so I forget to enjoy each and every moment. I forget to live.

Again, I am not saying that I agree with the way he lives his life but I respect him for his choices because it's impossible for me to really understand what kind of live he has. The truth is he opens my eyes to all possibilities out there. Life is not always black and white.   

I blog this as a reminder for me, and for you too, that we have to enjoy every moment we have.

As for me, I will not stop fighting to reach my dreams. But definitely, I will add more stopping stone to enjoy the process.