Meet The O's

Hey, how are you guys? It's been a while, eh?

It's been a tiring week for me. No, not with works, but with our future business plan. Yeah, we want to start a new business. But it's for another bed time story. I want to share what happen last Saturday.

My dearest K celebrated his 28 birthday last Friday. It was normal, no party. no surprises, no even birthday cake from me. Bad boyfriend, eh? LOL. But I did gave him two presents. I won't tell you though. As you may know, K has 3 sisters. Coincidentally, K and his two sisters have birthdays that close to each others'. To celebrate it together they planned to go to Bandung.

So, the whole family, but his oldest sister, went to Bandung last Saturday. And I came along. Yes! I did. K told me that his parents asked me to come. Whoa... not that I was nervous meeting K's family, I met his mom almost every week, but it was different. His sisters' husbands may have no idea who K really is. So this was like another came out for K. And for what I know, K's father was rather reluctant of accepting his son being gay. I am not saying that he wasn't good to me, he was super good to me. But deep in his heart, he must be trying so hard. So I think it was also K's parents' coming out, too. Though I was afraid meeting his whole family, but it wasn't only about me. His family reputation was at stake. If anything went wrong, it would be because of me, dating their son. Well, maybe I was over thinking, like always.

It turned out to be super awesome. I was having fun. I felt accepted by his whole family. We talked, we laughed our asses off, we ate a lot. I played with his nephew, I carried his niece on my arms. I was blessed to experience this. Something that I would never imagined before. I felt like I was family. I love his family. I love being around them.

On our way home to Jakarta, I looked at K while he was driving. That moment I was sure, not that I wasn't before, that this guy was the one I wanted to have family with, the one I wanted to grow old with. I was smiling when K caught me and asked, "Why are you staring at me?". I smiled and said, "Nothing".

So Called Confusion

"Galau" is one of the most trending word these days. I went to Google translate, it translated "galau" to "confusion". It ain't exactly perfect. But yeah, "galau" is confusion, a state of mind where people think they don't know what to do, especially in love matters.

I hardly spend a day without reading "galau" in my Path. Most of the "galau" posts are about finding Mr. Right. They are about break-ups, rejections, hanging-hopes, and so on. Love matters.

For most gays, we look for our soulmate via those dating-apps. We say 'hi' to many of those good-looking ones (or anyone matches our criteria). We talk to them. Then we meet them. Sometimes it ends on bed, sometimes it continues to second date but ends in the process, and sometimes it just really ends after first meeting.

When it ends, we grieve, we have "galau" mood, then we try again to find another man in those apps, or maybe through friends. But the cycle remains the same.

There's a guy I know, every time he went to me through Whatsapps, he would ask, "Hey, would you introduce me to a guy?" At first I tried to hook him up, but then after couple times, it got me laugh my head-off. It was so absurd because he didn't only ask me, but also asked my friends. It was just so pathetic.


We try so hard, even too hard. We don't realize we don't give ourselves a little break. We hardly breath. There isn't one moment we spend without thinking about boys, about our future partners. We forget to enjoy our lives.

Is it about happiness? Maybe we think that we will be happy if we have someone on our side. We envy them who have boyfriends, because they seem so happy together. Having a relationship isn't about being happy, it is about sharing our happiness. And trust me, you won't be happy in a relationship if you are not happy when you are single. How can you bring happiness into a relationship if you are not happy with yourself?


I am not saying that we should stop trying or looking for our right ones. I am saying we may  need to stop for a while, to enjoy our lives, to cherish our times without thinking about men (or sex even). There's so much more our lives offer than just having a relationship.


If you are 27-ish or even younger, I think it would be nicer if you use the chance to explore what you love most first. Do what you like, find your passion, work your ass off, be success. It's not that when you are partnered you can't do those things, but when you are, your chance will be limited. There will be one or two things you should sacrifice for the sake of your relationship. There will be so much time for relationship later, when you grow maturer. 

Vicious Circle

These days I feel mad. I am frustrated. And above all, I am tired.

You know, I love sharing. I love hearing people talk to me. It enriches me. When they do, I empathize with them. I listen hard. 

When they ask what to do, I offer solution, I offer a way out. I share my paradigm. I share my opinion. I put real effort to do so.


But then, people tend to follow their own gut. They don't think straight, they do what they shouldn't do and their problems get bigger than ever or sometimes history just repeats itself.

I know I am not in their shoes, I can't see through their glasses. I know what they do may be the best they can do. But when they come to me with, again tears or grievance, it exhausts me. I don't want to be the one who tell them, "I told you so," over and over again.

It's not once, it ain't twice. It's thousand times. And it happens to people dearest to me.

I am tired, I am fed up. It drains my energy. So I am being cynical, or even sarcastic and harsh. Then they feel offended, and they stay away from me. A friend told me that this world was full of people like that, they were not ready to hear the ugly truth, they wanted to be "comforted" in different ways.

Again, I love sharing. But it will be great if they are willing to step forward and to deal with their problems, instead of wanting to be listened to all the time over the same case again and again.

I guess, it's my vicious circle. Should I less care?



PS. K, I think it would be nice to have a vacation, on a remote island, just you and me. *wink*

Stepping Up My Game

“You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.”
― Shannon L. Alder


Your grammar sucks.
I recommend you to take English class before writing a blog.
*STRONGLY recommend

I was shocked when I read this yesterday. I just sit and stared at my phone. Someone wrote me that on my Jack'd. I took a deep breath and replied," Haha.Thank you. Much appreciated."

I know for sure that my English is not perfect, far from perfect. But I never thought that it was that bad so I should take an English class. I questioned my English, "Is it really that bad?". So I went to some of my friends, my blog readers, showed that message and waited for their reactions.

- Not that bad tho'. Your English is improving post by post. 
- Who was that? So rude.
- Hey, come on, I think J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter was perfect because of the editor's hand. Your English is quite good. Please keep writing.
- I like your blog, no matter what.
- It's a blog. You're not writing the next great English classic literature. Don't let the heartless idiot bother you. He's just seeking for your attention. Maybe a secret admirer. :)
- No. I think you're even extremely good.
- Oh, I don't think it's that bad. I say ignore lol.
- I think he said it for himself. You speak English well.
- I can't say it is perfect, but above average already.  He is over reacting. Heck with him.
- Ignore him, but your reply is excellent. I love it, spread love not war. It's not excellent but it's pretty good.
- You really need to know, it wasn't constructive critic. And some people like to use that just to make them feel better about themselves.

They did make me feel better. But hey it's me, the one who overthinks. LOL. So I took a moment to think. Well, scratch 'moment', I did take 'some' time. And I came to a conclusion.

I am climbing to the top. And on my way there will be not only friends or readers who love what I write, but there will be also harsh-critics and maybe haters. All I have to do is keep writing for I love writing, and of course I will try as hard as I can to improve my English. I am stepping up my game.

I consider that so-called heartless comment as a monument, my stepping stone for it doesn't stop me from writing (I even write about this, LOL), hence I will write better and I will write more.

So, I guess it's a 'Thank You' then. For you all. 

... and let me wait for my greatest opposition, for my biggest miracle is coming...

Freedom of Speech

I was discussing about one of many posts on my path with a friend.
Me : Do you see his post? It's somehow annoys me. How he sees himself by saying things like that is overrated.
Him : Yeah, but he's free to say what he thinks, isn't he?


I know it's a free country. Everyone has his freedom to say, to have an opinion toward anything. But we talk to someone about someone's else opinion because we want to know his state of mind, we want to explore it together, we want to asses our own opinion, or we just want to simply talk.


It's sad to get that response from someone whom you talk to. 

I, personally, say that often and I just realize by saying that, I stop the conversation. It is like saying "I am not interested, I don't care." It's like holding others tongue.

Today I was reminded, that what I did may offend someone else. I was reminded that it wasn't okay to say such things. By saying "he has freedom of speech", I stop someone else from expressing his point of view. Ironic, huh?

Remember, having an opposite opinion is totally different with shutting someone up.

You Deserve Better

I hold no grudge whatsoever to any gay who will marry a girl someday. I wish you all happiness. This conversation is posted to remind other gays who choose the 'other' side, to take care of your heart, when something like this happen. You deserve happiness and certainty, no matter how lonely you may feel. Take a leap of faith, that the right man is there, dreaming the same dream with you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

08:56 Morning mate

08:59 Morning

09:00 Are you working at P?

09:00 I have a friend from P here hahaha...

09:01 Yeah. What's his name?

09:02 DS. You know him?

09:02 No. But I may recognize him when I see him.

09:05 A bit serious topic, what’s your point of view of someone who does this gay lifestyle, and still decide to marry afterwards, H? You know, have a "normal" family with wife and kids.

09:06 First of all, gay is not a lifestyle. It offends me personally lol. Well, it's personal choice I guess. He has his reason to have a normal family. Will he be happy? No one know. He may. I can’t judge him for what he believe.

09:08 Hmmm. He insisted it to be an alternative lifestyle. He thought it was just a fun way, while single. Yeah, i guess so, we can’t judge someone by his choice.

09:08 I think he is delusional or he is in denial phase. Lol. It’s not about choosing to be gay or not. It's a choice on how you will live your life, to be true to yourself.

09:09 But what if he decide to hook up with me? I honestly feel confused when I listened to his story. He seemed nice, conversation was going well. Until it slipped from his tongue. Ehm.... maybe because I dont feel anything about a girl, I mean I always like guys since I could remember, it surely makes me wonder, sooooo really? You want to be in a relationship, but then decide to marry a woman someday?

09:13 U know the consequences. I mean if i were u, I wouldn’t even start.

09:14 Yeah, i try to deny things too, I think, naively, he would realized that he was gay, and this thought of marrying woman would be gone. But it felt like I was fooling myself.

09:14 U can’t expect that. Seriously. It's, sorry, kinda stupid.

09:14 You don’t have to feel sorry every time you speak your minds, H.

09:14 You did read my blog, eh? What united K and I was our dream. Our same goal.

09:15 Yes. About bali, about marrying, about having kid(s)?

09:15 Yeah, about growing old together. Well, we never know how long we could stay together, be together. But at least, we have something to hold while things get rough. While, in your case, I am not so sure. U will have this relationship while you are looking over your shoulder every now and then. It ain’t healthy. Clearly you are not his priority, and when the time comes, will u be ready? Will u have enough of him?

09:18 Me myself think, hm... how come we walk together if we don’t have same destination?

09:18 Maybe you do, maybe you have the same partial destination. But it sounds silly to put give heart to someone who will leave you eventually. Again, relationship starts with feelings. But remember, what makes it last is commitment.

09:19 Oh my! I couldn’t imagine that H! Yeah.. :(. We remain just friend now. But yaaaaaa you know, you think over and over, did you make a right decision?

09:20 For not having a relationship with this guy? It's the best decision!

09:22 I mean, i try to convince myself, he is still confuse and maybe you can help him. But on the other side, GOD! What are you thinking, into changing someone??

09:22 Yeah. It happens. It happens when your feelings take over your mind. Hahahaha… U have feeling for this guy, dont u?

09:23 Yeah I think so H, thanks... you make feel a little bit better...

09:23 You want it to be true.

09:24 Phew! Sometimes I hate when the heart takes over my head, it rarely happens, but when it happens, the feeling really intense and disturb me -_-

09:26 It's understandable i guess. It's always nice to know someone wants us

09:27 Yeah hahahaha.... it surely boost the confidence!

09:28 But you don’t want a temporary relationship, do you?

09:32 Nope H, I don’t. As old fashioned as I was, (and I really know in our world, we never know how long we could be together), yes I always look for this right man to walk together. I don’t want temporary things, for fun things, anything that could distract me just for a while. He told me, he broke with his last bf because, he still likes to play (I didnt ask what exactly the “play” was, but I understand now I guess)

09:42 See!!!! And you wanted him! Are u out of ur mind!????!?? He might use the same reason when he is with u. And if this guy is who I think he is, you are just too naïve.

09:45 Hahahahahahahaha.... yeah H :( I guess the mind didn’t work back then. Lucky me, I’m not spontaneous person, so i have time to think over. GOSH! What happened with me! Phew... here i am, 29 years old, almost blindsided by love...

09:53 You are sure it was love?

09:53 Hahahaha! You know how to use words for sure! Maybe it’s just lust?!

09:58 I dont know. Maybe it's just loneliness.

10:00 Hm.... it get more and more pathetic hahahaha...

10:02 Sorry, lol.

10:04 Hahaha... it’s ok. Anyway thanks for sharing your opinion, it makes me feel better.

10:06 Really? I didn’t make u feel worse? I am known as cynical person.

10:29 Nope, I always apreciate an honest person. They are harder to find Although sugar coated words is good to hear, sometimes hard truth is something you need.

10:32 Hahaha. Okay then

10:36 Hahaha... have a nice day mate!

10:47 U too

It Just Makes Us Human

I wasn't gonna write about this actually. It was embarrassing at some point, but it would be fair if I don't only share you the good things about our relationship, but also the bad ones.

***

It was a usual Monday. I and K was going to have our dinner when one of our conversation became a fight. It was big one. It was the biggest fight I ever had. I kinda packed my bag, and left home trying to clear my head. And it made K upset for what I did. 


***

Yesterday, my friend H, asked me how I was doing. He didn't know about the fight. But when I told him, he expected us to be just fine. He said that we were so in love with each other and that we could be role model for many. Though it put grin on my face, I realized that it was a heavy burden. I was hoping that he just exaggerated it, but then he stated that the fact that we lived together was one big plus point. That was why he looked at us as his role models.

Today, my another friend L, he said that he was upset finding out that we had a fight. He said that we were his, again, role models, that we were the living examples for people like us, so it wasn't okay to have a fight.

Well, I am happy that my life story, our love stories inspire people. I am glad that my readers, my friends, want to have a settled-home with their partners, like I do. But, role models? Ah... that's too much.

It is both appreciation and burden, I guess. Fiuh. But guys, know this. Our lives aren't perfect. It's not a heaven-like when you stay together with your partner. It is not a fairy-tales. It is a dream come true for us, but it is not just that. There are tears, smiles, shouts, or even heart-breaks. And yes, sometimes we fight, like that night.

***

Couple hours later, I headed home. We talked and managed to solve it. We knew how much love we had for each other. And the night ended with us sleeping in each other's arms.


***

I and K are happily together. We love each other and we have so many plans together. And when we do make mistakes, it just makes us human. Not that I want to hide behind humanity, but to let you know that our relationship is not always about happiness.

In the end, thank you guys for being inspired, thank you for letting you moved by our stories. And thank you for willing to learn from our mistakes. 

Coming Out Again

Yesterday I got a shocking news about my friends. They got a really big problem in their small family. Long story short, Iistened to the wife's story. I won't tell you what the problem is, it is not my liberty to say. What I am telling you is in our conversation, I came out to her. It was my 5th coming out to a friend.

"Is your partner a male?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just a guess. But you don't have to tell me. But if it is, then congrats. Gender is not that important."

Cool, eh?

Then today, I had a conversation with her husband. He told me that he knew. He was a good friend of mine. But because of our business, we drew apart. 

"Thanks for not keeping a distance from me." I said.

"I never thought I would keep distance from you. I hate you didn't tell me. But yeah, I don't blame you."

Cool? 

I still had that fast-beating-heart, when I typed my coming out sentence though it wasn't my first time. I guess I will always have that. 

And I still had those relieved feelings. It is always nice to have those acceptance.

I was wrong because I thought they couldn't accept me. Turned out that they would be okay with who I am. 

I will keep coming out I guess. Lol.

When They Doubt You

I wrote this poem in Indonesian couple years back. I wrote this based on what I felt at that moment. In this world, sometimes we believe in something beautiful that people may not understand. People doesn't believe in us, especially in our kind of love.

Phil Collins's song, You'll Be In My Heart may describes better, that people may not understand what we feel, they may not trust what they can't explain, we may different, but deep inside us, we are not different at all.

It's on us to make them see, to make them realize that we love as they love. So here it is.

They Ask   

They ask if there're tears
or it's just a fracturing smile that inspires desire
A lysed dream may never reach the stars
But the heave of this symphony are timeless

They ask if there's laughter
or it's just an eternal sore wound
A beam of hope may not carve aeon
But this faith sends away our loneliness

They ask if certainty will come
or love will fade away bitten by time?
A stanza may not satisfy them
But this love ain't merely vain

They ask, we leap our dreams and tone
They ask, we carve faith and hope
They ask, we weave love and stories
In the end of the time, they will ask
'Can we be like them?'

It's Your Choice

I believe that love is deeper than physical look. It looks into someone's heart. It reaches inside.


But physical appearance is somehow important, moreover on your first meeting with someone you like. Come on, people won't see your heart on their first glance. They won't understand your goodness on the first time they see you. They see what you provide them to see. They see what is in front of them. And undeniably, they judge you, even in the smallest scale of judgment.

When you like someone, you'll hope for the second meeting, the third meeting, and so on. So you have to make a good impression on the first one. Some people will give you a second chance, or maybe when you are lucky, a third chance, but it's not on you, it's on them. What you can do, what is in your control, is make them impressed by you. Having a good talk will do, a good laugh will do. But again, it's not the very first impression. What's the first then? Of course, your appearance.

It's like food plating, you make a good presentation of food so people will eager to taste it. You won't even try a good food when it's not well presented. Food plating is about how you stimulate one's appetite.

The concept is the same. You are the food. You present yourself in a good way so people are attracted to get to know you better, so they are stimulated more to try digging you deeper.

You can't expect people to see you again when you are smelly on the first meeting, or you wear your two-sized-bigger-yesterday-t-shirt or your worn-out shoes. You can't blame them by quoting "don't judge the book by its cover". It's our nature to judge, and it's your choice to determine the way you'll be judged.  

Born This Way

I always believe that I was born this way. I was born with narrow eyes. I was born Chinese. I was born with straight yet wavy hair. I was born gay.

It is my understanding. Again, it is what I believe. But apparently not for some people, especially on this sexual matter.

"I think it's a choice. Everyone is potentially homosexual. And you have the power to choose. It's fine with me, because every one has his right to choose, like you choose your religion. You were not born Christian, nor Moslem. Your family were Christian, and you grew Christian, but you can always choose to be Moslem or Buddhis or even Atheis."

"It's only a trend. Once you'll realize that you choose the wrong path. And you will be straight again."

If you had the time to read "Why Puberty" that were withdrawn from bookstores, you would see that it was stated that we choose our sexuality. It said that we had to respect each other's choice.

Well, it's contradictory to what I believe. I was sad when I heard those statements. It was like I was not understood. They may not understand that we'd fought ourselves, to be someone else, to be someone we are not. They don't understand the distress of accepting self. But then I realized that it was not the point. Well, I am not saying that educate people that homosexuality is not a choice is not important. It's just maybe it is not the time, yet. It's a step that we should take later on.

Though it is the same, that we were born both gay and white, it's easier to understand that our skin color is not a choice. We have to advise that it is not easy to grasp. Gay movement is stronger nowadays, so people might think that it is today's trend. But at least, they understand our 'choice'.     

Today, we should be thankful that, at the very least, they are willing to accept us, to hug us as human beings, to treat us like they treat others. It's already a progress. 

 

Coming Out (Part 2)

Been more than a year since I wrote this Coming Out (Part 1), and I never had a chance (or willingness) to write the second part.

Like I said, coming out for me is not only about myself. It's also about my family. I also said that they deserved the truth. But, will the truth make their life harder?

Sometimes I think that I am selfish, coming out to my family. It's like I demand them to embrace my being gay, without thinking how it will affect their lives. Honestly I had never given it a thought before I came out, until someone was approaching my sister. He was nice and okay. But we never knew whether he would be okay with who I am. Well, my sister will have her own family, and it is important, at least for her, that her future husband accepts me. It is a burden somehow for her, I think, finding a nice guy ain't easy, let alone finding a right partner that can accept his brother for who he really is.

Maybe I over think. When I asked my sister about it, she said that as long as I was okay, she would be okay. She said that she felt fine having a gay brother, that it wouldn't affect her life as much as I thought.

I don't know what future brings. I am sorry that I've made her life a bit harder. I just can wish that whoever her partner is, he has a big heart and an open mind.

I am not trying to scare you guys. What I am trying to say is there will be consequences. Consequences that not only you, but the members of your family, perhaps, will carry for the rest of your and their lives when you decide to come out.

The question is, "is it worth?"

In my case, I didn't know those consequences. But if I were given a chance to turn back time, I would just do the same. This guilty feeling of mine will always be there. It was bad at the beginning, but it will just fade away as life goes, as my sister's love life turn to be just fine, hopefully.

Common People Questions

I was blog-walking when I found this blog, (gaykampung.blogspot.com) and one of his posts intriqued me. That he was asked by his friend to fill up a questionnaire. There are twenty something questions that I'd like to share. These questions were asked by (maybe) a straight person, who has no idea what gay is. So here we go:

When did you feel there's a change in yourself?

I refuse to call it a change. I'd rather call it "difference". Since I was a kid.

 

What is your foundation stating that you are gay?

Well, I like guys.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Yes.

Have you ever been hurt by a woman so that it made you afraid to fall in love with one?

As pathetic as this question    sounds, NO!

Have you ever had sex with a guy?

Really?

Have you ever tried to change yourself? By dating a girl for instance?

Yes.

Is there any difficulties finding a partner in gay world?

Do you find it easy finding a partner in "normal" world?

There's a regulation in Indonesia that forbid same sex marriage, what do you think?

I simply have no expectation on it. But it can change. People are more open minded these days. The transformation is happening, right now, this very second.

Have you ever dreamt of having kids? And how you deal with it with your gay status?

Every second. Well, I can adopt or surrogate. But I don't think I am ready to find my kids go home from school crying, telling me that they are bullied because they have two dads instead of a so-called-normal family. Maybe, I will have kids when the environment is supportive enough. Soon, I hope.

Is it correct things to do, your gay activities, since none of your family, your friends, your country is supportive and it is wrong religiously?

What activities? I work, I pray, I laugh, I eat, I go to movies as normal people do. I don't rape, I don't steal, I don't kill people. My family and my close friend support me enough. My country? We'll see.

How is your family condition? Are you coming from a broken home one?

My family is fine. My dad and mom fight like every other family. But they do love each other. They are still together.

Do your family and friends know about your being gay?

Yep. People that matters to me do.

Have you ever thought of going back to normal? Why? Why not? What have you done to accomplish it?

Going back? I don't think I've ever been normal, but if you ask me if I wanted to be normal, I did. Because I thought my mom would be happier if I were "normal".

Are you comfortable with who you are now?

100%

Is there any event that makes you gay?

No, and I don't believe there's such things. We were just born this way.

How do you feel when you look around and see your normal friends live normal lives? Don't you want to be like them?

For having kids and being accepted by society, yes, I want those privileges. But for who I am and whom I love, I think I’m doing fine.

What is your motivation in not willing to be “recovered”?

            Simple. I am not sick.

What do you want to accomplish by being gay? Do you get any satisfaction?

I don’t choose to be gay. If I asked you what you want to accomplish by being straight, you would laugh at me, because you know you don’t choose to be one.

What is your religion? Don’t you feel guilty for what you’ve done?

I am a Christian. Like I said, what have I done? By being gay? Do you feel guilty for being black? Or being Caucasian?

For me, Christianity is about love. Our savior taught us to love one another. It is the main law of Christianity. Sin and wickedness is human interpretation about what is written in the bible. Let God decides.

What do you expect from your friends when they find out about you?

            It will be nice if they accept me for who I am. But I won’t force them to.

Does family factors play part in the occurrence of gay?

            Like I said, I don’t believe that.

Do you feel comfortable enough as a gay?

            I do.

           

Is it your choice to be gay? Or don’t you want to be gay?

It ain’t a choice. I think there's nothing to do with what I want, it is about how I accept who I really am.

How do you socialize in your daily activity? Does it need to be hidden?

            Do you tell all people you meet that you are straight?

Do gay have their own community? Are you in those communities?

            I believe we do. I won’t say that I am.

What is the benefit of being gay?

This is interesting. You can see that I dress better than most straight. I’m more creative than most of them. I understand men and women more. Hahahaha…

           

Is there anybody that influence you to be gay?

            No. It is once again, not a choice.

Do you think we can cure gays?

            Can you cure healthy people?   

My Solitude

Few weeks ago, I was blogwalking and I found this Archway Test. It said that my path was quiet, with definition as followed:

You value solitude in all aspects of your life. You can spends large periods of time alone without feeling lonely. Your ideal path is one that is very still and quiet. You want to absorb everything around you without feeling overwhelmed. You seek meaning in every aspect of life. And you live very deliberately - both in action and in thought. You don't like crowds, but you do like people. You value authentic relationships, and you prefer the depth of one on one interaction. 

I thought it was right. Talking about seek meaning in every aspect of life, well it is so me. You can see in my blog here, that I tend to find a reason for everything, that every thing that happen to me is meaningful, happen for reason.  

About four weeks ago, K asked me to try a body balance class at gym. He did ask me before over and over. But you know me, I am a shy person, I don't do first time by myself, at some point. So it was Saturday and K accompanied me to join body balance class at gym where I usually work out.

Turned out I enjoyed it so much. I like the tai-chi moves, I love the yoga, I even crave for the pilates. I am in love with body balance. And linking it to the path I talked before, maybe body balance is one of my solitude. It's like I find peace in me. 

My body was so damn stiff, especially my back. My hands can't reach my feet when I bend over. Crap, let alone my feet, I can't even reach my shanks. Pathetic, ain't it? But last night, my hands touched my shins, they almost  reached my feet. Wow! Another benefit of joining body balance class.

I was embarrassed because my body was too rigid to do simple pose. But now, I don't care. I join this class so I can relax my body and my mind, so I can flex my stiff body.

K ever said this to me, "When you come into the class, there will always be someone who is so flexible, who is advance doing poses. But no worries, we will be at that point, no rush, because every and each one of us has different flexibility. It is only a matter of time."

To be honest, I don't love working out. I am not really into it. It is somehow boring for me. My mind always tries to find a way to skip gym. But I push myself so I will have a healthier and a better-look body. Now, I love going to gym, to come to my cubbyhole. Well, I still do weigh-lifting. But this body balance adds some spice to it. I will join Yoga classes soon.
 
So yes, body balance is my solitude, and it is my way of living a healthier live.

The Water Run

Hey wuddup???? Been good, no? Quite some time, huh? I've been good, we've been so well.

Today, I am in pain. No, no, not that serious pain. Weary will do justice. My legs are weary. My butt is weary. Hah.

On Sunday, I woke up at 5 after 3 hours of sleep. Having my teeth brushed, I woke up K and my closest friends. Yeah, they had a sleepover at our place. I was in fire. I was excited. Not long after, we were on our car, heading to Gelora Bung Karno. We were gonna have some run. Not an usual run, it was Water Run. A run event which was held by Fittness For Men, one of many magazinez in Indonesia, and Protect Procter *thx 威论 for the correction* and Gamble corp.

It was my first time. I didn't expect to reach finish line. But I, and K, made a target, to at least reach Bundaran Hotel Indonesia, it was approximately half of the routes. It was 8 kilometers run, so the said. It was started at Gelora Bung Karno on 7 am. So many participants, we shot each other with water guns. Water gun was in the race pack. But some did bought bigger ones.

Not expecting that I would run so much, I started with small run with the others. I jogged, I ran, and I walked. It was five of us, but then two of our friends fell behind. Not long after, I was alone, leaving K. I thought I just wanted to reach Bundaran HI sooner. My spirit was pumped. It was fun, though I was running by myself. At the first pit stop, I waited for K for a minute, but he wasn't there, so I continued alone. 20 minutes later, I reached Bundaran HI. My feet was hurt, I knew I had blister on them, but I was halfway and I wasn't really tired. So I tried not to think about it and started to have another run.

I was on my way back to Gelora Bung Karno, when I passed K and Y. I cheered them so they would run faster and caught up with me. It felt much longer when I finally reached the second pit stop. I said water run, right? There was a water tunnel, which they required us, the participants, to go through it. It was water at first, then they sprayed foam on sand bags, and then another water spray. I was looking at it, and thinking it wouldn't be any fun if I was by myself. So, I decided to wait for K and the others.

It was about 10 minutes later, K arrived. I asked him to go through that tunnel. He hesitated because he didn't wanna get wet. But then I said to him, "Hey, it is water run, we do expect to get wet, right?" So we asked the other to join us too. And it was indeed fun. We were soaking wet, full of foam. The racers were getting their picture taken. We were provided with a waterproof case for our phones. We asked one of them to take a picture for us. It was funny because he said, "Sorry, my hands are wet," as he passed. But then a nice lady took a picture for us.

After that, we continued our route, and for a minute, I and K had left the three behind. I enjoyed my moment with K. My legs started to hurt more, my blister was killing me, but I did have fun. 20 minutes later, we reached the finish line.

I am proud of myself, of us. We did challenge ourselves, and we reached over our target. It was hard, as again it was my first time, our first time. But the thing is I didn't quit, neither did K. And we conquered it, together.

I heard this quote when I was little, and I guess it was right, "Rest if you must but don't you quit." And if there is something that I could learn from this event, it will be this, "I may enjoy myself on my way to the top, but those moments are way more precious when I share them with K."

Compatibility

I'm not astrological fan. But I do enjoy them. Today I searched on Google about our compatibility. I am a Piscean Pig while K is Sagittarian Tiger. So here are what I found. 

Sagittarius and Pisces

When Sagittarius and Pisces join together in a love match, a relationship of realized dreams is formed. Sagittarius is more of a thinker and philosophizer, easily drifting around from one pursuit to the next. Pisces is more inward, involved in the shifting of their own mindscape. They are opposites in some respects, and to outsiders may seem an unlikely pair. But as their love for one another grows, they are more likely to be able to satisfy the philosophical cravings of the other and maintain a healthy relationship.

Sagittarius is outgoing and versatile, and in a relationship with Pisces often comes to the defense of their gentler partner. Pisces, in turn, gives Sagittarius subtle understanding and a place to escape from their tireless endeavors. Pisces is a Sign that, like Water, adapts easily to its surroundings; Pisces tends to focus much energy on understanding and sympathizing with their partner. They are often more patient with Sagittarius’s aloofness than other Signs. Sagittarius’s active pursuit of knowledge combines with Pisces’s gentle compassion towards others to give both partners a self-awareness that doesn’t pass into egocentricity and isn’t overly accommodating, such as Pisces alone may be.
Sagittarius and Pisces are both ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Pisces is also ruled by Neptune. Jupiter brings exploration and outreach to both Signs. Pisces is concerned with this aspect in an abstract sense; they often find themselves trying to save the world (perhaps in the form of recycling or environmentalism). Sagittarius, on the other hand, prefers to broaden their horizons through academics. Neptune is about big pictures, ideas and illusions; but it’s also involved with disillusion and fantasy. Sagittarius can help Pisces plant its feet on the ground. Jupiter works through Pisces to put a gentler touch on Sagittarius’s occasional hotheaded outbursts. 

Sagittarius is a Fire Sign and Pisces is a Water Sign. These two elements can form a great couple if they give in a little, using innate understanding of situations and people to get matters resolved. Pisces can offer Sagittarius direction and help them learn to be gentler, while Sagittarius teaches Pisces to go out and explore the world. This couple will enjoy traveling together. Pisces can be emotionally draining for the Archer at times, too much Water dampening Sagittarius’s fiery spirit. Conversely, too much Fire can boil the Water and leave Pisces steaming. Sagittarius and Pisces must use their perceptive skills to enhance the relationship, always focusing on what the other needs.
 
Sagittarius and Pisces are both Mutable Signs. Neither partner feels a need to dominate the relationship. They enjoy equality and like to see their ideas come to fruition. Pisces gets great happiness from helping Sagittarius. Sagittarius and Pisces enjoy dreaming up ideas and putting them into action. No one is preoccupied with end results; for this couple, the fun is in the journey! A lack of conflict over roles helps Sagittarius and Pisces work toward the same goals with great success.
 
What’s the best aspect of the Sagittarius-Pisces relationship? It’s that they can benefit from one another’s wisdom and at the same time get along so well together. Pisces shows Sagittarius how to empathize and care; Sagittarius teaches Pisces how to turn fantasy into reality! The ability of each to provide what the other lacks makes theirs a truly reciprocal relationship.

Tiger and Pig 

The Tiger and the Pig can make a good match, but it will require a bit of extra flexibility on both sides and a lot of mutual trust. The Pig is generally very kind, well-mannered and generous and tends to see only the best in other people; this in itself makes a relationship with this sign easier. The Tiger, too, is generally quite affable and good-spirited; however, there are certain behaviors and situations that can turn both of these signs’ good spirits into bad moods.

For the Tiger, restrictive relationships, possessive lovers and rigid expectations can be just cause to run away. Freedom and autonomy are incredibly important to the Tiger, who will do whatever it takes to ensure it retains that freedom. The Pig values connection, support and a steady home life and will very likely find the Tiger’s lone wolf character to be unsettling at best. If these two signs live together, and especially if their relationship is romantic, they will have to make sure to allow room for their differences — the Pig will have to excuse the Tiger’s roaming and the Tiger will have to offer the Pig as much support and reassurance as possible. A romantic relationship may actually be the most likely sort between these two. The Tiger is magnetically attractive, generally very sexily appealing to any of the signs. The Pig possesses its own sexy mystique and is also very much a sensualist, reveling in the simple but luxurious pleasures of food, lovemaking, even sleeping and bathing. As long as the Tiger doesn’t feel restricted by the Pig’s love of home comforts, the Tiger will be happy to play along — for a while. Inevitably, this sign’s urge to roam, explore and experience will kick in again.

As business partners, these two can create a strong company as long as their goals are aligned. Though a sensualist by nature, the Pig is far from lazy; this is a hard-working sign whose efforts will back up the Tiger’s courageous leadership and innovative ideas.

Well, believe it or not, most of what it says are true. 

* Both are taken from here.

His Love, His Ways

It's an ordinary Sunday. I was laying down, enjoying my 'me-time' slash lazy day, while K called.

"Hey, do you want Koi Teppanyaki?"

It was 6.30 pm and he was out with his family, you know, Sunday is family time. We dedicate Sunday for our family. It is how we manage our time. He will go to his parents' house or go to mall with them. Since my sister went back to my hometown, I was practically alone in this city, so other than having Sunday service, I have nothing to do but enjoying myself home. Sometimes I join K, but today I felt like I was staying home, to get some sleep. 

As you may know, I am into words. It is applied also in relationship. I need "I love you" now and then. But, K is different. Saying "I love you" is not his thing. I often tease him with "Do you love me?" which he always replies "No!". But I know he does. Lol.

He expresses his love for me in his ways. The question above is one of them. I'm a grown-up. I can manage to find my own dinner. But he knows that I am going nowhere on Sundays and he knows that I am too lazy to step out finding food. That's why he called asking me if I wanted some dinner. He had his dinner, so he only bought it for me. He always does that not just today. 

I know it's not much. It's something that parents do to their kids. But still, it is love. And I'm grateful for that.

We'll always have different ways of expressing our love towards each other. But I am okay with it, I am thankful, for I love the way he "says" it to me. 

God Entrusted

I am proud and lucky to have parents who allow me to do what's best for me.

One example is the getting married and having children thingies. Generally parents will suggest (or I can say "force") their children to get married and having kids. It is said that it is because they love their children, they think about their children's future so when they get older there are people who will take care of them. Is it true? Are we as parents, ask our kids to get married because we love them? Or is it just because the common norm in the society? Or is it just because for the sake of family's name inheritance? 

Back to previous statement, we have kids so when we get older, we won't be alone, there will be someone who will take care of us. Doesn't it sound selfish?

I'm not saying this so we break loose, so we flip to our parents. It is appropriate and feasible for us to treat our parents the best. We will never be able to return their favor. We are forever in debt wit them. I'm saying this so we, who now are parents to our children, are able to let our children decide and choose what's best for them. We do owe it to them. God entrusted us our children. They are not ours to satisfy out needs. 

Oh Please, Treat Me Well

Let me translate it for you. This statement says:

Find someone:
- who always greets you "Good Morning"
- who calls you back when you hang up because you are angry
- who always let you know his/her whereabouts every single day
- who carefully listen to your problems
- who says Good Night though he/she is tired after working all day
- who accepts you for you really are
- who guides you to the right path
- who won't force any situation when it's not possible
- who always says "I Love You"
- and who always tries everything to make your relationship works

Hmm... who doesn't want a partner with those qualifications? No one.
And "Where can I find someone like that?"

We are deserved to be treated well, or best, by our loved ones. So we make criteria that suits us in finding partners. We want someone who can and is willing to treat us well, to treat us like prince or princess. Is it wrong? Of course not. Again we are deserved those things.

BUT! Yes, there's a big but here. We tend to forget that our partners also have the same privilege. They have the right to be treated the same as we are. They also wish the same criteria. Vice-versa.

How can we expect our loved ones to be what we want them to be should we are not as they expect?

Instead of saying "Find someone", why don't we state "Be someone". You can always start a relationship with expectation, the truth is we have to keep hoping along the journey. But we also have to start it with willingness to treat our loved ones the same.

Let's say that we have fulfill those criteria we mention above. We greet them Good Morning, Good Night, we listen to their problems, we guide them, we say "I love you" thousand times, yet our partners do not do them to us. What do we do then? This is my favorite part, as you can read on my previous posts, and it's there on the list of criteria above. We can always ask ourselves "Do we accept him/her as he/she really is?"

So, my answer to my question about where we can find someone who is willing to treat us like princes or princesses is I don't know. Here is what I know, and I know for sure that you will find yourself keep looking that special someone for the rest of your life as long as you are not willing to do the same to him/her. And if you, by all chance, finally find him/her with those dreamy criteria, it won't last long should your demand level  is higher than your acceptance & willingness level.

Take Your Time and Do It

Before we decided to take it, it'd been filling up my mind since a couple months ago. It was not easy. Knowing that the virus was lethal was scary, let alone how it would effect our relationship.

I bet you don't know what I was talking about, eh? It was about taking a HIV test.

It came to me in the morning when I was chatting with my friend. We were talking how he was afraid to open the result of his HIV test. Then,dang! I even hadn't took any. Then I came home and talked about it with my better half. Too bad, it just hanged there, no conclusion, no decision whether we would take it or not.

The next couple days, I googled about HIV. It was new to me that our government gave free retroviral medicine for them who was HIV positive. Those meds should be taken twice a day and they could have a normal lives. Knowing more about it, I was convinced that being HIV positive was not as 'deadly' as I thought.

Again I talked to my better half which came to a decision that we would take it. I made an appointment with Angsa Merah, a general health clinic, specializing in reproductive and sexual health. I knew Angsa Merah, from TemanTeman, an organization which founded by The Thai Red Cross AIDS Research Centre. But then, I cancelled it, because I thought I wasn't ready for the consequences, for the result.

Last Wednesday, when we were watching a TV series, my better half said that there would be a free HIV test in Senayan City on Saturday. Apparently it would be held by TemanTeman. True that we were afraid we were infected, but more, we were afraid how if one of us was infected, how it would effect on our relationship. There was silence, but I knew we would be okay, we would stay together no matter what.

The day before the test, I prayed so that God let us not be infected, but if we were, I asked Him to give us strength, to give us open hearts to accept it and to continue our lives, I said in my prayer that not our will, but Thine be done. It gave me strength right away, I knew I would be okay, no matter what the result would be.

The next morning, after we had our hair cut, we headed to Senayan City. We had to wait almost an hour to finally had ourselves get into a van, to get tested. We talked to a counselor whom  I was sure that he knew that we were couple. He enlightened us about HIV. Then there was the time. I was first. A middle-aged nurse took my blood on my middle finger, my hand was so cold that she could not take enough sample. I told her to take another from my ring finger. This time, she got enough. She then dropped it to a stick that looked like a pregnancy test, then dropped another chemical fluid on top of it. I wondered how she knew whether it was HIV positive or negative. And exactly like pregnancy test, there would be one bar if the blood was HIV negative and it would be two bars if it was positive. My heart rushed. I kept smiling but I couldn't get my eyes out of that thing.

It was my better half's turn, before I knew my result. We had to wait another 10 minutes to know the result. It was the longest 10 minutes I ever had in my life. When the nurse told us that we were negative, it was like a 100 pounds of millstone was taken from my shoulder. I was so relieved. I thank God for letting us to be okay. It was His grace, really.

The counselor then asked me, "H, what if K was HIV positive?". See, he knew that we were couple.
I answered, "I think it will be just fine."
He smiled and replied, "It sure will be."
It was nice actually. It is still nice to know that there are some people who accept us for who we are. My friend said that they didn't accept us, they were just ignorant. Well at least, they aren't homophobic.

After getting free t-shirt, we thanked them and left the van. The rest of the day was amazing.

Writing this, I am not suggesting you, whom haven't had a chance to get tested, to have one immediately. But I do suggest that you will think about it, get yourself ready and take it. Fill yourself with as much as information about HIV. For me, it is encouraging. You can find those information everywhere, they are as far as your fingers. Just type 'HIV' on Google and you will find everything you need to know about it. You can go to TemanTeman for starter. I need 2 months, more or less, to finally take the test. You don't need to rush, but by the time you do it, you are sure that you are ready for every consequence that will come. Like I said, being HIV positive is not as 'deadly' as you may think. My counselor said that he had a patient that had been living with HIV for 18 years and he was still healthy. From what I read, the virus can be 'frozen'. You can have a normal life. You can have kids without worrying they will be infected. It may not be able to be cured today, but who knows, someday, it can be.