Fight!

How's your Valentine?

Mine was fine. Having 3 packs of instant noodle, not in a fancy restaurant (please don't try to make any reservation, even for 2, in the last minutes, it won't work, lesson learned, LOL), but in our home sweet home, was more than enough for us. The love and happiness was in the air. Hope your Valentine as good as ours, whatever you had, wherever you had it.

Valentine brought love and hope, hopefully. Many people used this moment to declare their love, to start a commitment, to have a new life. It was beautiful (though it was kinda old-skul, hahaha). The thing was they did it, sometimes just because it was the trend. The question was "Are you ready?"

Some of my closest fellas might be annoyed and bored when I told them that we had to had a fight, at least once, before we decided to be together. As harsh as it may sounds, I believe it is the true thing.

Let me put it this way. When someone approaches you and you have the same feeling with him, you may feel that the moments you have with him are the best. You spend time kissing, hugging, holding hands in movies, having romantic dinners, laughing on each other's joke and so on and so on. Then, in no time, he or you will propose, and the other will say yes. The romantic moments will continue for 2 or 3 months, and then BAM!  The honeymoon period is over. You will be back to reality. There are two heads in your relationship. You can't really be 'free'. You can't make decision by your own. You will eventually have disagreements. You realize that he is not he used to be, he is not what you expect him to be. And you have no idea how to deal with it. And you are too late to step back.

Having disagreement before you are committed is important (at least from my point of view). How you and your partner deal with it is crucial in a relationship. It shows how your partner reacts to a problem, it measures how mature he is (of course it works vice versa). And more importantly, it shows whether he is acceptable for your 'standards' or not. Though you may say that you have no criteria whatsoever for someone whom will be your partner, you have expectations of what he is. This disagreement shows that somehow he doesn't meet your expectation. 
These questions might help you when you fight:

- Are we solving the problem, or are we making it worse?

- Am I listening to what he says and he is to mine?

- Has he crossed the line? 
- Can I accept him for he is now? 
- Am I ready to deal with this unexceptional thing in the future? 

I said before in my previous posts that we have to learn to accept our partner for whatever he is, but it ain't the same at this level. You are not committed to this guy, yet. You can't force yourself to accept this guy for whatever he is at this stage, there's a plenty of time later when you are committed. This is the time when you ask yourself about that. If you can't, then he might not be suitable for you. 

Arguments and fights are common things between two people.  In a relationship you can expect to have more arguments, disagreements, and fights than before you are committed to each other. 

A "Yes, I will" is not the end. It's a start of a long journey. It is a start where both of you work with two heads, because there will be no you nor me, there will be only us. It won't be easy. But it will be easier if you know who you are dealing with. 

Will You Be My Valentine?

--- In the ------------------------ dark of ---

--- night, when ---------------- I could not feel ---

--- nor walk, nor even ------- see. You came to ---

--- me, gave me a gently hug. Lifted and warmed me ---

--- up then guided me to the light. I was so fragile that ---

--- you carried me carefully, you showed me your love ---

--- in your every single step. Your charm, your sincere, ---

--- your understanding had driven my heart to you. ---

--- Then, when the morning came I could see your ---

--- face. Look into your eyes. And I found love ---

--- that I had searched for years. Now, in ---

--- this beautiful day I wonder, ---

--- once again, ‘Will you be ---

--- my Valentine’ ---

--- for now and ---

--- 4ever ---

--- ? ---

---

Written by Me, February 2004

Maybe He's Not Right For You

Path is one of many social medias that I get myself into lately. Most of my path friends like to share quotes. It is mostly about love. It was fine, totally fine with me. I enjoyed every quotes until I realized something. It was about how people would change for his loved one. It was about what someone would do for his loved one. Each quote itself was not wrong. But I question the motivation behind posting those quotes. Instead of addressing ourselves, we address those quotes to others. Worse it satirized others. It is like we are saying that we are deserved to be treated as in those words. We forget that others also deserve to be treated the same way.

A friend of mine, C, was in 'love'. He was approached by a guy named L. He felt comfortable with his companion. It was lovely, ain't it? But there was this thing. This L guy ain't as serious as he said about relationship. Most of the times they spent apart, this guy failed to keep the communication between them. Either he didn't have his phone along with him or he was too busy with his job, so he said.

Once he was sorry, because C kept waiting. But the next days, it happened again, over and over. It was tiring for C. Then he asked L to change. He began to set rules between them. (I happened to read their texts.) 

L : "Thanks for waiting for me."

C : "As long as you know, I did wait you 'til you reached home. Don't spend those times having fun."

L : "It's nice for you to do this for me. But you shouldn't do this if it makes you uneasy. I've been trying and I am, but this is what I can do."

C : "I just want to communicate."

Sad, ain't it?

C told me that he didn't want to change L to be what he wanted him to be. But the truth was, he was expecting L to change. He said he understood him, but did he?

Then I remember a quote saying "If someone really loves you, he will understand you, no matter what". It's true right? The question is do we address this quote to our partner or to ourselves?

As I say many times before, as many people say these too, we can't change people. We can't expect people to change for us. They will learn to be better, but it takes time. It takes a lot of patience. Before we know our partner, he has lived in his way for maybe 20 years or so. It won't be easy to live in a different habit in a matter of clicking fingers. 

All we have to do is accepting. 

For C, and for everyone else who is close to anyone and wish the situation would be different, it is time for you to ask yourself. 

Do you understand him? 
If you don't, will you try? 
Will you consider to accept him for what he is? 
He can change, but again, it takes time, and there's no guarantee the time will come. 
If you can't accept him, maybe he's not right for you. Don't push it too hard.

Love is not only about me, it is about us.

Love is not about demanding, it is about giving.

Love is not about expecting someone to change, its is about accepting who he really is.

Love is not about finding who is right nor wrong, it is about walking together reaching our dreams.

Tanah dan Langit

Bosan menatap kosong layar komputerku, kumenoleh ke arah langit di luar sana. Kurasakan amarahnya masih sangat terasa, hujan belum menunjukkan kebosanannya membasahi tanah Jakarta. 

Sesekali angin menghempas air ke tanah, memarahinya dengan berjuta teriakan. Perih, tanah mengampun. Masih teringat jelas di benaknya setiap tetes yang menggores luka di badannya.

Tanah memberontak, tak sanggup lagi menampung amarah langit. Tanah yang begitu mencintai langit, meluapkan guyurannya ke permukaan tubuhnya. Kelelahan, begitu lelah untuk lagi menyerap. Akankah ia bertahan, tetap menopang segala di atasnya?

Langit pun mencintai tanah, tak ingin dilihatnya tanah mengering, kaku dan tiada kehidupan. Namun langit melangkah terlalu jauh. Akahkah ia berhenti menghukum tanah karena kepekaannya terhadap air? 

Aku hanya berharap, ketika hujan sudah puas memainkan nadanya, aku pun mampu menikmati indahnya pelangi, membentang dari tanah ke langit.

Year to Come!

Hey all!

It's 22.40 here. Another hour to 2014.

This year has been so good to me. I was blessed when I found K at 2012 and decided to be together on February. Being with him made me sure to buy an apartment then I moved in with him on May. I got a new job on the same months. It didn't stop there, the blessing continued when K got a new job too. And yes, not to mention we met T, our little brother who is dear to us.

I happened to enjoy two vacations abroad with K, Bangkok and Phuket on August and HongKong on the late of October. 

I have a super dad, loving mom and caring yet funny sister. What could I ask for more? Conflict happened here and there but we remain one as family. Thank God.

With loved ones, I spent our Xmas dinner and service together. And now here I am, with lovely friends, enjoying beers and time with each other, waiting for new year to come. New chance and new blessing to hope for.

I am thankful for this year. I am grateful for what I am and who I am now.

So many wishes and hopes for this coming new year, for me, for you, for us all. So, Happy New Year, Guys! Have a blessed New Year!

If You Can't Suck It Up

It's undeniable that fighting will happen eventually. Many couples who claim they don't fight, they will fight somehow. It's normal to have a fight here and there in relationship. 

I ever wrote about "let go". Often in a fight, we think that we are the right ones. Our opinion is right and our spouse is wrong. And there's time tho' it's crystal clear that we are on the right side, we have to let it go for the sake of our relationship.

But somehow it ain't healthy if letting go is not really letting go. It is like we are saying to ourselves, "Okay, I let it go this time, but next time I won't". It is not really a let go, because we tend to remember and make it a weapon next time we have another fight. We hold grudge. This is ain't healthy at all, not just for the relationship, but also our health. 

Again as an adult, we learn how to let go, really suck it up and won't let it out. But it's normal that sometimes we can't let go. It's like we have some unfinished business. It's there, in our minds. It annoys us frequently.

As it for me, it will be helpful to bring it up to the surface. I am not saying to confront your partner, but to let your partner know that it bothers you and together you find the solution. 

It may cost you another fight, but ain't it worth it? In the end, a true relationship will survive this. You don't wanna hold grudge, for it won't set any partnership in peace.

So, if you can't suck it up, bring it up!

To Shop = To Love?

Today I was talking to two friends via whatsapp. It was clearly two different topics. I talked to T about shopping, because he wanted to change his appearance, and at the same time I chatted with M about love. Then the idea came to me.

Let me walk you through what I thought. I was imagining this scene.

I walked around a big shopping mall with friends, when I saw a gorgeous pants. I gave it a try but somehow it didn't fit me. The pants really looked good, and I was in my best condition, but when I put it on something was missing. Then I continued.

Again I found a pair of shoes. It looked good. I gave it a try. Definitely it would look good on me, if it weren't too big. The store didn't have my size. 

Then I saw a t-shirt that everyone wore. But when I wore it, it looked bad.

Falling in love is like shopping. When we meet someone and we somehow have so-called connection, we are so enthusiastic but then we will find that he's not the one for us. 

We keep looking and keep looking. Appearance will always catch our eyes. But we never find the right one. We search for a connection. An instant one. Love is about a connection, it's true. But it ain't instant. We have to dig deeper.

I was tired, I didn't know why none of my friends looked as tired as I was. I just followed them until I realize I was back to the first store. 

There, besides the gorgeous pants I tried earlier, a pair of common pants were hanging there. I didn't think it would look good on me, but having nothing to do, I took it to fitting room. Amazingly, it fitted me. I looked awesome. Well, more awesome.

For some people instant chemistry will do, but for some others, it's harder than that. We have to give chance to someone whom we think we won't have any connection with. Maybe you know what you want, but you may not know what's good for you. Who knows, he would be the one. Who knows that the one that God has planned for us is with us all along.