You Deserve Better

I hold no grudge whatsoever to any gay who will marry a girl someday. I wish you all happiness. This conversation is posted to remind other gays who choose the 'other' side, to take care of your heart, when something like this happen. You deserve happiness and certainty, no matter how lonely you may feel. Take a leap of faith, that the right man is there, dreaming the same dream with you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

08:56 Morning mate

08:59 Morning

09:00 Are you working at P?

09:00 I have a friend from P here hahaha...

09:01 Yeah. What's his name?

09:02 DS. You know him?

09:02 No. But I may recognize him when I see him.

09:05 A bit serious topic, what’s your point of view of someone who does this gay lifestyle, and still decide to marry afterwards, H? You know, have a "normal" family with wife and kids.

09:06 First of all, gay is not a lifestyle. It offends me personally lol. Well, it's personal choice I guess. He has his reason to have a normal family. Will he be happy? No one know. He may. I can’t judge him for what he believe.

09:08 Hmmm. He insisted it to be an alternative lifestyle. He thought it was just a fun way, while single. Yeah, i guess so, we can’t judge someone by his choice.

09:08 I think he is delusional or he is in denial phase. Lol. It’s not about choosing to be gay or not. It's a choice on how you will live your life, to be true to yourself.

09:09 But what if he decide to hook up with me? I honestly feel confused when I listened to his story. He seemed nice, conversation was going well. Until it slipped from his tongue. Ehm.... maybe because I dont feel anything about a girl, I mean I always like guys since I could remember, it surely makes me wonder, sooooo really? You want to be in a relationship, but then decide to marry a woman someday?

09:13 U know the consequences. I mean if i were u, I wouldn’t even start.

09:14 Yeah, i try to deny things too, I think, naively, he would realized that he was gay, and this thought of marrying woman would be gone. But it felt like I was fooling myself.

09:14 U can’t expect that. Seriously. It's, sorry, kinda stupid.

09:14 You don’t have to feel sorry every time you speak your minds, H.

09:14 You did read my blog, eh? What united K and I was our dream. Our same goal.

09:15 Yes. About bali, about marrying, about having kid(s)?

09:15 Yeah, about growing old together. Well, we never know how long we could stay together, be together. But at least, we have something to hold while things get rough. While, in your case, I am not so sure. U will have this relationship while you are looking over your shoulder every now and then. It ain’t healthy. Clearly you are not his priority, and when the time comes, will u be ready? Will u have enough of him?

09:18 Me myself think, hm... how come we walk together if we don’t have same destination?

09:18 Maybe you do, maybe you have the same partial destination. But it sounds silly to put give heart to someone who will leave you eventually. Again, relationship starts with feelings. But remember, what makes it last is commitment.

09:19 Oh my! I couldn’t imagine that H! Yeah.. :(. We remain just friend now. But yaaaaaa you know, you think over and over, did you make a right decision?

09:20 For not having a relationship with this guy? It's the best decision!

09:22 I mean, i try to convince myself, he is still confuse and maybe you can help him. But on the other side, GOD! What are you thinking, into changing someone??

09:22 Yeah. It happens. It happens when your feelings take over your mind. Hahahaha… U have feeling for this guy, dont u?

09:23 Yeah I think so H, thanks... you make feel a little bit better...

09:23 You want it to be true.

09:24 Phew! Sometimes I hate when the heart takes over my head, it rarely happens, but when it happens, the feeling really intense and disturb me -_-

09:26 It's understandable i guess. It's always nice to know someone wants us

09:27 Yeah hahahaha.... it surely boost the confidence!

09:28 But you don’t want a temporary relationship, do you?

09:32 Nope H, I don’t. As old fashioned as I was, (and I really know in our world, we never know how long we could be together), yes I always look for this right man to walk together. I don’t want temporary things, for fun things, anything that could distract me just for a while. He told me, he broke with his last bf because, he still likes to play (I didnt ask what exactly the “play” was, but I understand now I guess)

09:42 See!!!! And you wanted him! Are u out of ur mind!????!?? He might use the same reason when he is with u. And if this guy is who I think he is, you are just too naïve.

09:45 Hahahahahahahaha.... yeah H :( I guess the mind didn’t work back then. Lucky me, I’m not spontaneous person, so i have time to think over. GOSH! What happened with me! Phew... here i am, 29 years old, almost blindsided by love...

09:53 You are sure it was love?

09:53 Hahahaha! You know how to use words for sure! Maybe it’s just lust?!

09:58 I dont know. Maybe it's just loneliness.

10:00 Hm.... it get more and more pathetic hahahaha...

10:02 Sorry, lol.

10:04 Hahaha... it’s ok. Anyway thanks for sharing your opinion, it makes me feel better.

10:06 Really? I didn’t make u feel worse? I am known as cynical person.

10:29 Nope, I always apreciate an honest person. They are harder to find Although sugar coated words is good to hear, sometimes hard truth is something you need.

10:32 Hahaha. Okay then

10:36 Hahaha... have a nice day mate!

10:47 U too

It Just Makes Us Human

I wasn't gonna write about this actually. It was embarrassing at some point, but it would be fair if I don't only share you the good things about our relationship, but also the bad ones.

***

It was a usual Monday. I and K was going to have our dinner when one of our conversation became a fight. It was big one. It was the biggest fight I ever had. I kinda packed my bag, and left home trying to clear my head. And it made K upset for what I did. 


***

Yesterday, my friend H, asked me how I was doing. He didn't know about the fight. But when I told him, he expected us to be just fine. He said that we were so in love with each other and that we could be role model for many. Though it put grin on my face, I realized that it was a heavy burden. I was hoping that he just exaggerated it, but then he stated that the fact that we lived together was one big plus point. That was why he looked at us as his role models.

Today, my another friend L, he said that he was upset finding out that we had a fight. He said that we were his, again, role models, that we were the living examples for people like us, so it wasn't okay to have a fight.

Well, I am happy that my life story, our love stories inspire people. I am glad that my readers, my friends, want to have a settled-home with their partners, like I do. But, role models? Ah... that's too much.

It is both appreciation and burden, I guess. Fiuh. But guys, know this. Our lives aren't perfect. It's not a heaven-like when you stay together with your partner. It is not a fairy-tales. It is a dream come true for us, but it is not just that. There are tears, smiles, shouts, or even heart-breaks. And yes, sometimes we fight, like that night.

***

Couple hours later, I headed home. We talked and managed to solve it. We knew how much love we had for each other. And the night ended with us sleeping in each other's arms.


***

I and K are happily together. We love each other and we have so many plans together. And when we do make mistakes, it just makes us human. Not that I want to hide behind humanity, but to let you know that our relationship is not always about happiness.

In the end, thank you guys for being inspired, thank you for letting you moved by our stories. And thank you for willing to learn from our mistakes. 

Coming Out Again

Yesterday I got a shocking news about my friends. They got a really big problem in their small family. Long story short, Iistened to the wife's story. I won't tell you what the problem is, it is not my liberty to say. What I am telling you is in our conversation, I came out to her. It was my 5th coming out to a friend.

"Is your partner a male?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just a guess. But you don't have to tell me. But if it is, then congrats. Gender is not that important."

Cool, eh?

Then today, I had a conversation with her husband. He told me that he knew. He was a good friend of mine. But because of our business, we drew apart. 

"Thanks for not keeping a distance from me." I said.

"I never thought I would keep distance from you. I hate you didn't tell me. But yeah, I don't blame you."

Cool? 

I still had that fast-beating-heart, when I typed my coming out sentence though it wasn't my first time. I guess I will always have that. 

And I still had those relieved feelings. It is always nice to have those acceptance.

I was wrong because I thought they couldn't accept me. Turned out that they would be okay with who I am. 

I will keep coming out I guess. Lol.

When They Doubt You

I wrote this poem in Indonesian couple years back. I wrote this based on what I felt at that moment. In this world, sometimes we believe in something beautiful that people may not understand. People doesn't believe in us, especially in our kind of love.

Phil Collins's song, You'll Be In My Heart may describes better, that people may not understand what we feel, they may not trust what they can't explain, we may different, but deep inside us, we are not different at all.

It's on us to make them see, to make them realize that we love as they love. So here it is.

They Ask   

They ask if there're tears
or it's just a fracturing smile that inspires desire
A lysed dream may never reach the stars
But the heave of this symphony are timeless

They ask if there's laughter
or it's just an eternal sore wound
A beam of hope may not carve aeon
But this faith sends away our loneliness

They ask if certainty will come
or love will fade away bitten by time?
A stanza may not satisfy them
But this love ain't merely vain

They ask, we leap our dreams and tone
They ask, we carve faith and hope
They ask, we weave love and stories
In the end of the time, they will ask
'Can we be like them?'

It's Your Choice

I believe that love is deeper than physical look. It looks into someone's heart. It reaches inside.


But physical appearance is somehow important, moreover on your first meeting with someone you like. Come on, people won't see your heart on their first glance. They won't understand your goodness on the first time they see you. They see what you provide them to see. They see what is in front of them. And undeniably, they judge you, even in the smallest scale of judgment.

When you like someone, you'll hope for the second meeting, the third meeting, and so on. So you have to make a good impression on the first one. Some people will give you a second chance, or maybe when you are lucky, a third chance, but it's not on you, it's on them. What you can do, what is in your control, is make them impressed by you. Having a good talk will do, a good laugh will do. But again, it's not the very first impression. What's the first then? Of course, your appearance.

It's like food plating, you make a good presentation of food so people will eager to taste it. You won't even try a good food when it's not well presented. Food plating is about how you stimulate one's appetite.

The concept is the same. You are the food. You present yourself in a good way so people are attracted to get to know you better, so they are stimulated more to try digging you deeper.

You can't expect people to see you again when you are smelly on the first meeting, or you wear your two-sized-bigger-yesterday-t-shirt or your worn-out shoes. You can't blame them by quoting "don't judge the book by its cover". It's our nature to judge, and it's your choice to determine the way you'll be judged.  

Born This Way

I always believe that I was born this way. I was born with narrow eyes. I was born Chinese. I was born with straight yet wavy hair. I was born gay.

It is my understanding. Again, it is what I believe. But apparently not for some people, especially on this sexual matter.

"I think it's a choice. Everyone is potentially homosexual. And you have the power to choose. It's fine with me, because every one has his right to choose, like you choose your religion. You were not born Christian, nor Moslem. Your family were Christian, and you grew Christian, but you can always choose to be Moslem or Buddhis or even Atheis."

"It's only a trend. Once you'll realize that you choose the wrong path. And you will be straight again."

If you had the time to read "Why Puberty" that were withdrawn from bookstores, you would see that it was stated that we choose our sexuality. It said that we had to respect each other's choice.

Well, it's contradictory to what I believe. I was sad when I heard those statements. It was like I was not understood. They may not understand that we'd fought ourselves, to be someone else, to be someone we are not. They don't understand the distress of accepting self. But then I realized that it was not the point. Well, I am not saying that educate people that homosexuality is not a choice is not important. It's just maybe it is not the time, yet. It's a step that we should take later on.

Though it is the same, that we were born both gay and white, it's easier to understand that our skin color is not a choice. We have to advise that it is not easy to grasp. Gay movement is stronger nowadays, so people might think that it is today's trend. But at least, they understand our 'choice'.     

Today, we should be thankful that, at the very least, they are willing to accept us, to hug us as human beings, to treat us like they treat others. It's already a progress. 

 

Coming Out (Part 2)

Been more than a year since I wrote this Coming Out (Part 1), and I never had a chance (or willingness) to write the second part.

Like I said, coming out for me is not only about myself. It's also about my family. I also said that they deserved the truth. But, will the truth make their life harder?

Sometimes I think that I am selfish, coming out to my family. It's like I demand them to embrace my being gay, without thinking how it will affect their lives. Honestly I had never given it a thought before I came out, until someone was approaching my sister. He was nice and okay. But we never knew whether he would be okay with who I am. Well, my sister will have her own family, and it is important, at least for her, that her future husband accepts me. It is a burden somehow for her, I think, finding a nice guy ain't easy, let alone finding a right partner that can accept his brother for who he really is.

Maybe I over think. When I asked my sister about it, she said that as long as I was okay, she would be okay. She said that she felt fine having a gay brother, that it wouldn't affect her life as much as I thought.

I don't know what future brings. I am sorry that I've made her life a bit harder. I just can wish that whoever her partner is, he has a big heart and an open mind.

I am not trying to scare you guys. What I am trying to say is there will be consequences. Consequences that not only you, but the members of your family, perhaps, will carry for the rest of your and their lives when you decide to come out.

The question is, "is it worth?"

In my case, I didn't know those consequences. But if I were given a chance to turn back time, I would just do the same. This guilty feeling of mine will always be there. It was bad at the beginning, but it will just fade away as life goes, as my sister's love life turn to be just fine, hopefully.